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    Goddamn There Was Some DRAMA On "Bachelor In Paradise" Tonight

    Someone should give me a rose for sitting through all of this.

    Hello! Did you get lost? You're here because you want to ignore most of the writing and just read some images with Comic Sans text.

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    I don't know why I waste so much time trying to think of sad jokes about being single in the text, when all you fuckers ignore me anyway.

    Sounds like the men in my life! Haha! See what I did there. Ugh, whatever.

    Anyway, let's pick up where we left off last night. Megan had just entered paradise on Fuckboi Jake's arm.

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    Their arrival leaves Florence confused because she thought Megan was "a lesbian or something". Flo is struggling to understand the concept of bisexuality.

    Flo catches some foundation on Jake's shirt. "It's just from a hug, babe," Jake says, pretending like he didn't have his tongue down Megan's throat five minutes ago.

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    Jarrod wears a fedora while talking about the fact he's into two beautiful women, Keira and Ali.

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    But let's face it, we all know only one of those women feels the same way. And of course Jarrod picks the other one for the date. But more on that shortly.

    Leah has taken Mack's penis and has tied it into a dainty little bow to wear around her neck.

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    Leah reckons if Mack and Michael were put in a blender, they'd be the combination of her perfect man. Bloody and dead, I guess. Leah also tells Mack that if she got a date card, she'd take Michael on the date. Mack is confused because he thought Leah was into him. Leah says she doesn't want to regret her time in paradise by spending it all with Mack. Are you keeping up? OK, as all you metalheads say, here's the breakdown.

    Basically Leah is saying she doesn’t want to bonk Mack yet, because she’s not sure if someone better will come along, and if she bonks Mack now, she’ll regret it later if someone better DOES come along. Mack is her safe second choice and if no one better comes along that she's actually sexually attracted to, then she’s excited to have Mack as a backup plan.

    Megan and Jake have a flirt, while Flo cyclones around the island wondering if Jake will give her a rose.

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    As Flo bites her nails down until there's nothing left, Jake is off telling Megan she has a cute bikini and it’s “not helping the situation”. I assume by "the situation" he's talking about his dick, the only thing he ever thinks about.

    Jarrod and Ali go on a date and show us some woeful dancing.

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    Jarrod's aware that he's rushed things in previous relationships, and doesn't want to rush things with Ali. So he proceeds to tell her that when she walked into "the crowd" last night, it was just like there was "something above her" and she was just, like, "THERE". "You were the ENTRANCE," he said in awe.

    Jesus, Lord almighty, I need to go say a prayer.

    A producer asks Ali if there's a spark with Jarrod, and she makes these faces:

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    Basically, Ali thinks they have a good connection but she wants to keep her options open as she's been on the island for about 33 minutes, and Jarrod has monopolised all that time.

    Megan and Flo exchange stories about what Fuckboi Jake has said to them both. Upon hearing Jake described his date with Flo as a "friendship date", Flo goes and throws a glass of champagne on him.

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    Unfortunately we didn't see the actual footage of this, so please enjoy the above GIF from a very iconic episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

    Intermission: My beautiful parents, who we do not see enough of.

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    Osher announces a rose ceremony, and it turns out three of the guys want to give their roses and nudes to Ali.

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    Flo apologises to Jake about her "not so classy" behaviour even though if anyone deserves a drink upended on them, it's Jake.

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    Jake distracts Flo by telling her she looks good and uses lines like "I’m trying to voice what I’m thinking but I don’t know what I’m thinking." Jake doesn't know what he's thinking because he's only capable of thinking with his johnson.

    Michael, Jarrod, and Mack squawk around Ali like a pack of annoying seagulls fighting over the last chip.

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    Mmm, chips.

    Jarrod basically tells Keira that Ali is getting his rose, pot plant, and eternal affection until the day he dies, and Keira is incredibly upset.

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    Keira later cries because she wants a guy to love her for her, and doesn’t want to be anyone’s second choice.

    Keira, just give up like I do tbh.

    If you think someone crying over Jarrod is dramatic, well my friends, do I have news for you. The rose ceremony was a goddamn MESS.

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    Mack. King Mack. Mack, with the eyes that never blink. He stepped up and shook everyone to their core. Instead of giving his rose to Leah, he gave it to Ali and turned the WHOLE evening around.

    AHHH MACKANE, YOU'VE FUCKING DONE IT AGAIN.

    Jarrod is low-key fuming, and steps up to give his rose to Keira. Tbh, I feel for Keira in this moment, because she knows she is the second choice and that SUCKS.

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    "I'll take what I can get at this stage," Keira says after accepting her rose. Queen.

    Eden gives his rose to Nina, Luke gives his to Lisa, and Jake starts sweating and begging a confused-looking Michael to give his rose to Flo.

    THIS. IS. A. MESS!

    Blake steps up and gives his rose to "Lenora". As we all know, there is no Lenora. Laurina is fucking PISSED.

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    I AM SCREAMING, THIS IS THE BEST ROSE CEREMONY I HAVE EVER WATCHED.

    As Uncle Sam gives his rose to Tara, Jake reckons he's about to cry and through his sweaty Fuckboi eyes, keeps begging Michael to give his rose to Flo.

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    Michael's done with his shit, and gives his rose to Leah.

    The last choice of the night, Jake has to face every fuckboi's worst nightmare... he has to finally make a choice, and unfortunately he can't make his dick point in a certain direction this time.

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    He picks Megan and sends Flo packing.

    Flo. Oh, beautiful Flo. Another victim to a fuckboi. May you RIP.

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    I hope she goes and finds Davey in the outside incestuous Bachelor world.

    Next week: I think Tara and Uncle Sam probably make out and I'm probably going to spew.

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