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    Posted on 23 Aug 2017

    Here's What You Missed On Episode 9 Of "The Bachelor"

    Matty busted out his humps.

    Missed The Bachelor, or woke up 30 minutes into the episode with no idea what the fuck was going on except there was a camel there?!

    Network Seven

    Haha, that was actually just me making a cameo!

    But if you weren't getting love drunk off dem humps then I don't blame you. Pour a glass of wine now, and let's get on with it.

    We opened with the ladies sitting around, very casually, with no idea that Osher was about to stop by. They talked about how weird it is that there are only 10 of them left.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    I mean, I guess it is weird when your boyfriend dumps your other 12 housemates, and sets them free in the woods, and you have no idea whether they're alive or dead, or maybe they've killed each oth-... never mind.

    The point is, tonight things were getting switched up and wait for it... the group date was happening first! Phew, this show keeps us on our toes. I'd just like to point out I'm 125% sure this scene was filmed after a cocktail party, because the ladies still had their full makeup and false lashes on. I'll only answer to Detective Pritchard from now on.

    Matty surprised four lucky ladies with their family members.

    Network 10

    Matty pretended he came up with this idea himself, which was adorable. Apparently because his sister visited last week (read: left her secret hiding spot and made herself known), he realised the girls must be missing their families. As the parents came out, Matty had to pick which parent spawned which lady, which was a super fun game!! He got 4/4 right, then cried about it!

    Each parent/daughter team had to go off to prepare a meal for everyone else in a weird spin-off of My Kitchen Rules, while the others sat there and drank wine. I know what I'd rather be doing!! Get it? I'd rather drink the wine.

    Matty zoned in on Elise and her dad Phil cooking, and pulled Phil aside for a manly chat. He spoke to Phil about all of Elise's great qualities, as though Phil hasn't known his own daughter for 20-something years.

    Back at the table, Jen wondered if the tuna Elise and Phil cooked was actually chicken, and um, hello Jen, that reference is at least 14 years old.

    Jen made a dessert which Matty does seem to love, and she then assumed she had this thing in the bag. Never make assumptions on this show, Jennifer Simpson.

    Osher pops up from where he was hiding in the oven, to let Matty know he can only pick ONE lady (and no parents) to spend alone time with!

    Network 10

    In a non-shocking twist, Matty picked Elise, mainly because he just fucken loves Phil. "No, no, Phil has to go now," Osher told a crestfallen Matty. "You're spending time with Elise."

    Matty offered Elise some champagne, even though they had "been drinking wine all day". Oh boy, fam, that's a recipe for disaster. Trust me. One minute you're mixing alcohol, the next you're falling over in the gutter, a bag of Oporto in one hand, and chicken salt smeared all over your face.

    Matty and Elise then had a riveting conversation about why Matty had been "ignoring" Elise for so long. Matty let Elise know he knows what it's like to have a slow burn... excuse me, rather, to be a slow burn, as that's what happened with him and Georgia. Remember Georgia? The beautiful lady who ripped into Matty's chest, pulled out his heart, then kicked him into a pool in Singapore? I mean, how could you forget, she's referenced nearly every episode.

    Matty gave Elise a rose, and I'm sure we'll see her on the single date tomorrow night.

    The sun rises on another day, yet my heart is heavy. Anyway that has nothing to do with this episode, sorry, let's move on.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Dramatic music woke the ladies up to let them know they MUST make it to the kitchen.

    A big noise vibrated from outside, and no, it wasn't my stomach rumbling. As it turned out, Matty rocked up on a camel, yet we still have no idea if it was actually the camel or Matty that made that noise.

    Tara was picked to go on a humpy ride with Matty, which was her SECOND single date! Tara's never ridden a camel, which makes sense because before her first date with Matty she had never ridden a bike either. Seems like Matty loves to take Tara for a ride! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;). Thank you, thank you, that's what my dad would call "a terrible joke, Tahlia".

    The producers set up a Moroccan-themed date just down the driveway from the mansion because, well, funds are tight. As the two tried three different types of teas before switching to alcohol (smart!), a BELLY DANCER appeared and she wasn't alone!!!

    The belly dancer brought out Taylor Swift!!

    Network 10

    This is the tea I came for! Honestly guys, this is what her cryptic tweets were about! She was making a cameo on The Bachelor.

    Matty and Tara tried their hand at belly-dancing, and I googled, "are my stress ulcers a result of watching too much reality TV?". Then all of a sudden Tara and Matty touched the snake, while the belly dancer wrapped the real one around their necks.

    After the excitement of all that dancing, Matty was ready to sit down and talk about his feelings with Tara. Which is honestly the opposite of any male I've met, so I'm starting to think Matty is a perfectly-programmed, good-looking robot. Matty was pee-in-his-pants excited when Tara mentioned wanting to start a family and have kids of her own. He couldn't stop staring at her womb, which was glowing back at him, blinking out a "Yes! Impregnate me!" message.

    The two got a bit hot 'n' heavy on the lounge, then Matty pulled out his... rose, guys. He pulled out his rose. That's all.

    At the cocktail party, Jen made a "smorgasbord" of desserts for Matty to sample.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Turns out she just lined up photos of herself in various seductive poses. Nah, just pulling ya leg. She made real food. Real, delicious, food. No, you're the one licking the TV screen.

    Tara and Matty entered stage-right, and Jen mentioned that they were holding hands like a "brother and sister" would. Like, sure doll, if you mean like Cersei and Jamie, then yes.

    Matty loved Jen's dessert, which kind of defeated the purpose because he just kept eating instead of really engaging in conversation with her. He was kinda giving off the vibe that he hoped she'd fuck off soon, so he could keep eating on his own, maybe switch on the TV, put his sock-less feet on the table, kick back a little. Alas, no luck. As Jen talked about her feelings being hurt because she hasn't had a single date yet, Matty pretended to look interested in what she was saying. Let's just say the boy isn't going to win a Logie any time soon.

    Osher entered with the shocking news that ONE lady will be leaving the mansion tonight.

    Network 10
    Network 10

    Elora didn't give a fuck, she was too busy giving Matty sex-eyes from across the room.

    As Matty called forward Caucasian woman after Caucasian woman, Jen had a ponder in her voiceover. "What else could a man possibly want other than dessert and a hot woman?", she asked. I don't know mate, maybe someone who's compassionate and kind? Or maybe just the dessert.

    Anyway, we said goodbye to police officer Michelle, who started off so promising. Hopefully her police ride was still there to pick her up.

    Tomorrow night: Jen has a meltdown in the mansion, which seems SO UNLIKE HER!

    Network 10

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