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78 Thoughts I Had While Watching "MasterChef" Australia

More like MasterStress.

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1. Why are they still using Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold" as a theme song?

2. C'mon MasterChef, it's time for a change.

3. Take a shot every time the word "pressure" is used.

4. Actually, it's already been used about five times in the last two minutes, better not.

5. Would be a great pre-drinking game though.

6. Every time a contestant mentions how stressed they are, I start to feel really stressed also.

7. I also can't deal with all this crying, but I can't manage to change the channel???

8. How do I get the job of being a judge though?

9. I can cook. And I can eat.

10. I can throw potato gems into the oven and get them a nice CRISPY texture, aka the judges fave vibe.

11. They love a bit of crisp.

12. Why do the contestants always look so shocked every time they're told they have an hour to cook in a challenge?

13. You think they'd have learnt by now.

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14. Lord, every time someone tries to make a risotto in an hour, I just want to reach through the TV and be like, "HO, DON'T DO IT."

15. I don't know how the contestants keep it together when the judges are peering over their shoulders, watching them.

16. I can barely keep it together when someone watches me put something in the microwave.

17. I wonder how much George got paid to do those Swisse ads?

18. Why is he talking about the importance of Vitamin D in a cheese shop?!

19. Swisse do you need any more sponsors? I'm free on Saturdays.

20. I love the 30 second clip of the flashback to someone's life, whenever they're struggling in a cooking challenge.

21. YES, I KNOW YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOUR KIDS.

22. AND YOU GAVE UP YOUR JOB TO FOLLOW YOU DREAMS.

23. LOVELY.

24. Maybe I should give up my job and follow my dreams.

25. I don't think it's that easy to become a Kardashian though.

26. All this talk of "resting" the meat is making me sleepy.

27. Next time I'm cooking dinner for someone and I've fucked something up, I'll just tell them the meat is "resting" and they'll be none the wiser.

28. I love how they just run around in a frenzy, with like, a small roast lamb in their hands.

29. YOU'LL DROP IT, YOU IDIOTS.

30. Ugh I'm so stressed.

31. Every time Matt, George, and that other guy yell "The clock is ticking!" I'm surprised someone doesn't snap.

32. Also, how annoying would it be to have all those other contestants watching you during a pressure cook?

33. "Quick, hurry, you can do it! QUICK. QUICK!"

34. Like, shut up mate, this is not what I need right now.

35. Can you imagine all your friends standing around you yelling as you tried to cook dinner?

36. And then you start crying as you drop the potato gems.

37. Ugh, nightmare.

38. This is why Menulog was invented people.

39. Matt just always has this permanently surprised expression on his face.

40. "Matt: What are you cooking?" Contestant: "The thing you told me too?" Matt: ** surprised expression.**

41. "It all comes down to what you put on the plate."

42. If that's the case why do we have to hear a sob story every time they present their meal?

43. Maybe their tears are on the plate to add a nice, salty texture.

44. Look tbh at the end of the day do you really want to order food from someone who cries so much?

45. "It's time to plate up!" I yell that to my boyfriend too sometimes, while I throw some oven spring rolls on a plate in a frenzy.

46. "I put myself on the plate", "I cooked from the heart", have to be two of the most overused and revolting phrases on this show.

47. Stop putting yourself on the plate and just stick to the goddamn recipe.

48. Every time they say they're putting their lamb / pork/ chicken or whatever back in the oven just for "one more minute" I get so worried they're going to forget about it.

49. This show is going to make my hair fall out.

50. If I were ever to be on this show, my motto or catchphrase would be "don't forget the sauce."

51. And my sob story would be about the day Macca's stop flurrying their McFlurries and it was a national travesty.

52. The judges look so goddamn serious as they try things.

53. There is something SO unnerving about watching George eat.

54. He does this weird licking thing.

55. I am ashamed I noticed this.

56. How long do you think it takes Matt to pick out a cravat?

57. I wonder how many he has.

58. Matt's still looking confused as he tastes each meal.

59. George legitimately looks like he cares every time someone repeats his or her sob story, it's very nice of him.

60. The other guy is just sitting there like, "lemme eat though, stop crying".

61. I really want to know how this works: do the contestants all actually cook at different times, so the judges are having hours in between meals, or do they literally just sit there and eat multiple meals in a row?

62. Because like, especially with desserts, if you're the last contestant to go through, how does your ice cream or whatever not melt?

63. Or how does your lamb stay warm?

64. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

65. I've said it once, I'll say it again, watching people eat is so gross.

66. I can't tear my eyes away.

67. Interesting how generally there's always one standout in the pressure cook, and then two people that are on the line, so you JUST don't know who's going to get cut.

68. So coincidental.

69. Except as soon as you know someone's accidentally served raw meat, they're fukt.

70. Cue dramatic music to see who's getting eliminated and their dreams crushed for good.

71. So. Many. Tears.

72. George is always bouncing on his feet during these scenes, those Swisse vitamins must be really doing things for him.

73. And another one bites the dust, their dreams up in flames.

74. Like, they burnt their dreams, geddit?

75. Never mind.

76. Just when you think it's time to chill out and de-stress they show you another dramatic preview.

77. Goddamn this show is clever at keeping people hooked.

78. Until next time.

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