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77 Thoughts Aussies Had Watching Eurovision 2017

Sorry for mooning everyone.

1. I’ve never watched this before, but I’m trying to understand why their stage introductions are like the start of a WWE match.

2. Israel’s fine to watch, if you have him on mute, and like just zoom in on his arms.

3. Oh, Backstreet seems to definitely be back. Alright.

4. These quick back-to-back performances are a vibe, I’m used to The Voice AU where every backstory takes two hours to explain.

5. That man violently playing violin behind the Polish woman singing is all the musical goals I never knew I had.

6. I don’t understand Belarus’ lyrics at all, but this is a vibe I can get behind.

7. Though I thought they were brother and sister until they made out. Oops.

8. I am a FAN of Austria.

9. I am definitely here for his Homebrand version of the Dreamworks logo.

10. Armenia’s song makes me feel like I just joined a cult, and any minute Tom Cruise will pop up to ask if I’ve heard of Scientology.

11. Sorry but the best song to come out of Armenia is still "Jam (Turn It Up)".

12. I’m here for these harmonies from The Netherlands, aka the white Destiny’s Child.

13. So who is the Michelle Williams of this group? It’s gotta be someone.

14. It’s definitely the one wearing the pants/jumpsuit. She got to sing like, one line.

15. It’s crazy how Moldova created the saxophone. Lisa Simpson, who?

16. Moldova sounds like a made up place, but they’ve been the best so far.

17. I relate to the girl in white from Hungary just rolling around and crying on the floor. Same girl, same.

18. I can’t believe The Wiggles are the backup dancers for Italy and no one knew. Australia infiltrating in all sorts of ways.

19. Speaking of Australia infiltrating Europe, hello Anja Nissen.

20. Call me biased, but she’s been the best vocally so far, don’t @ me.

21. It’s too early in the morning for this weirdness, Portugal.

22. I feel like this is what would play in my head if were on an acid trip, naked, in the middle of a fucking grass field.

23. This horse on a stepladder is a parody of itself already. Azerbaijan, what are you doing?

24. Imagine explaining the concept for this. “We need a man, in a suit, with a horse’s head on a stepladder. Please don’t ask me any more questions, just DO IT.”

25. Croatia is truly an over-achiever. I feel like I’m watching a live action Disney musical, or an episode of MasterChef where Matt Preston really likes the food.

26. Wait, low-key he really looks like Napoleon Perdis.

27. I just need to know why Isaiah was walking like that? Anyone? Hello?

28. He represented me mournfully trekking to the end of this contest knowing we won’t win.

29. But he looked so damn happy when he finished, God bless his little soul.

30. Greece, is this a ballad or a club banger because I’m just really confused rn.

31. Look, I know Spain had a surfer vibe going on but the swaying Kombi van in the back is a LOT.

32. Herbie has come a long way from that Lindsay Lohan movie.

33. This straight up looks like an X Factor audition if it went to Byron Bay.

34. Or like an “indie” Aussie band that would play the midday Splendour timeslot.

35. Omg A from Pretty Little Liars representing Norway on the instruments, what a busy villain.

36. Damn Olly Murs, I’ve been wondering what you’ve been doing since your duet with Demi Lovato.

37. UK was no Dami Im, sorry not sorry.

38. The UK and Croatia should just collab on a song for the next Disney animated movie, tbh.

39. I remember nothing about Cyprus other than three grown men just literally pushing each other around. Goals really.

40. Yodel rap is something I never knew I needed, but Romania, here we are.


42. My 12 points are going to Romania.

43. You can’t spell “Yodel It” without “LIT”.

44. For a moment I thought Robyn was on stage to perform “Dancing On My Own” but instead we got whatever this is. Thanks Germany.

45. Ukraine is truly giving me some 30 Seconds to Mars vibes.

46. I feel like Belgium’s song is the kind of song I’d listen to when I’m crying and I want to be extra and make myself cry even more.

47. Belgium’s clearly listened to A LOT of Of Monsters And Men.

48. Also is this a cry for help? Blink twice if you need saving, Belgium.

49. Wow, it’s the Swedish Justin Timberlake.

50. Someone just let me know why I struggle to use a treadmill and breathe while this guy is singing on tune while running on one. Show off.

51. I’m just imagining these guys down at the local Anytime Fitness trying to perfect this routine.

52. Eurovision: The competition of 17-year-olds who will soon be sponsored by Pantene.

53. France, that was a weird one to end on but I mean, you do you.

54. Can’t wait to now rehash each performance 200 times until the votes come through.

55. It’s 7am in Australia for anyone in Europe that’s curious, and I AM DYING. Considering we’re cool with the fact Australia is part of Europe now, maybe we can put this whole song contest on at a more family friendly time next year?

56. Bloody Aussie tourists.

57. This kid is better than most of the Eurovision contestants.


59. Classic Straya tbh.

60. Australia is in the lead on 10 points!!

61. This. Is. Taking. So. Long.

62. Still shorter than The Logies though.

63. Who are all these people voting for Portugal? That performance was boring AF.

64. We’re coming fifth!!!!

65. So… the UK’s performance was FINE. Why did we give them 12 points???

66. Also blaze it Lee Lin Chin, you queen.

67. Portugal again? WHY???

68. Can the United Kingdom points giver just chill? Also, why is she American?

69. Thanks for the fuck all points UK, you can’t sit with us.

70. The people’s vote only gave us TWO POINTS? And that was finished BEFORE the mooning too.

71. God Europe, you harsh mistress.

72. And down we go on the ladder. At least we’re still ahead of the UK. That’s all that matters.

73. Sorry but Portugal SUCKED compared to those milkmaids, that Croatian dude, and those treadmill guys.

74. That trophy is SO EXTRA. Doing the most.

75. Oh good, I’m glad Portugal gets to perform again. I need something to put me to sleep now this is all over.

76. OK, on stage, singing a song with your sister who wrote it while the audience cries… you got me.

77. Seriously though Europe, please invite us back next year.