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Here's The Drama That Went Down On The Latest Episode Of "The Bachelor"

Sorry this is late, I honestly fell asleep.

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I know, I know. You woke up this morning gently weeping. "Where is the Bachelor recap?" you wailed.

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Oh sorry, that was me wailing because my alarm went off and I realised it was Thursday, not Saturday. Anyway, here's the belated recap.

Georgia 2.0 (Laura) got the single date!

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Matty said he had been thinking about her since their very first meeting, and probably also since the moment her doppelgänger dumped his ass in Singapore.

The two hung out on a big boat, while talking a lot about being on a boat. Well... Laura talked a lot anyway. She kept mentioning travelling, and getting tattoos with her BFF because like, hashtag YOLO, while Matty just looked at her in a perplexed way. Anyway, I can't be mad at her because she's my office sweep so keep talking my queen. Also shove your tongue down his throat! Get him girl!

Georgia 2.0 and Matty then had to draw each other.

Twitter: @Dean_Nye

Matty offered to get naked, but then didn't and honestly I feel so ripped off???

Disappointingly, neither of them were sporting a huge diamond necklace and saying things like "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets". But Matty did have the whole sweeping hair, Leo DiCaprio thing going on, so that's something.

As soft, romantic music played over them, we were subjected to watching the two of them stare lovingly at each other while pretending to be artistic. For some reason they were seated on what looked like the front lawns of mansions belonging to Sydney's elite, but I won't even question that.

In the end, the "portraits" looked nothing like either of them. Laura obviously has skill, but Matty’s drawing in Laura’s terms was “utterly offensive”, because it looked like Georgia Love. I’m KIDDING. It was just a big old mess, with a nose to rival Severus Snape. I guess we all can’t be good at everything.

They then looked soppily into each other’s eyes, and Laura asked questions like “Why me?!” and Matty skirted around being like, “Because you look like my ex!” Then they pashed, and he didn't even dash! Look, the kiss was pretty romantic. I mean I feel like we didn’t need to see it SO CLOSE UP, and so many times, but good on them. Go make beautiful babies in a steamy car, before the ship hits the iceberg! Quick!


The group date: Game of Bitches.

Apparently because Matty spent time in London, it makes sense they had a medieval-themed group date. “When living overseas he immersed himself in the history and culture...” Osher said. Weird, because when my friends move to the UK to “find themselves” they just end up immersing themselves in other people. Anyway that’s a bedtime story for another day, child.

Simone, Cobie, Akoulina, and Leah were made to catch piglets for a chance to be part of a banquet dinner with Matty. No, lmao, Jen wasn’t in the cage! Oh, you’ve got a nasty sense of humour. Leah went for those piglets like they had kidnapped and murdered her own family, and unfortunately was the first one to get through to the banquet dinner. Cobie also nabbed a spot, and can now add “piglet catcher” to her résumé.

Next up, Lisa, Michelle, Sharlene (lmao who?), and Belinda had to get in a sack and race to play quoits. Honestly, the things these poor ladies are forced to do. If I was ever on a first or second date and my date was like “get in the sack”, like let’s be real… my mind wouldn’t be on the hessian kind. Regardless, Lisa and Belinda made the cut for the upcoming death dinner.

For the final challenge, Stephanie (lmao who?) and Elora were up against Alix and Elise in a game of “medieval football”, otherwise known as soccer. Alix and Elise scored first and my God, Elora was not a happy camper. Alix and Elise smashed the game, both earning a seat at the death dinner, while Elora stormed off to go find her dragons and wreak havoc on King’s Landing.

The ~royal~ banquet feast:

Osher was lurking around the banquet like he hadn't been fed in weeks, and let the ladies know there was a rose at play. Nothing like competing over a sit-down meal because your day of chasing pigs wasn’t good enough! Matty asked how things at the house were, and Leah jumped in, conveniently forgetting she was the shit-stirrer and told Matty she “takes on everyone else’s feelings like they were her own”. Considering Leah has the emotional depth of a teaspoon, we can safely say this was FAKE NEWS.

Matty pulled Alix away for a chat, and she proceeded to ask about his family. “I’m really close to my family,” Matty said, as his sister watched from the bushes, holding up a scorecard on whether she thinks Alix’s womb is primed and ready.

Back at the dinner table, Leah tried to get Elise to go interrupt Alix and Matty’s chat. “Please, go,” Leah begged. “I’m sitting here itching.” Well Leah, girlfriend, there’s probably a special cream for that! Nevertheless, Elise went in for her one-on-one with Matty, but it barely lasted three minutes before Leah and her itch interrupt with a (probably poisoned) bottle of wine. Leah then went on to audition for a role on Australia’s second-whitest show, Home and Away, by working up the fake tears. “I just care too much,” Leah sobbed to Matty, while wiping away… literally nothing. MATTY. LOOK AT HER FACE. THERE’S NO SALT WATER GOING ON THERE.

But our boy, he’s not just a pretty face. He gave the rose to Alix, right in front of everyone else, so I’m taking that as he didn’t buy Leah’s sob story/audition for a primetime soap opera.

The rose ceremony: A bunch of white ladies stand in medieval gowns to find out who is getting beheaded this time.

Look, it's really hard to take the rose ceremony seriously when they're all dressed in medieval get-up. I was thinking it was love guru Belinda's final day, but alas Akoulina had her ribbons cut. Which makes sense, because I literally forgot she existed there for a second, sorry Akoulina.