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    It's Time We Talk About Leah's Absolutely Dreadful Life On "Home And Away"

    Get strapped in, this is an incredibly long journey.

    Hi. Thanks for joining me today. Take a seat, because we're gonna be here for a while.

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    If you've clicked on this post, it's probably because you grew up watching Home and Away. In fact, maybe you still watch it.

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    I watched a month straight of it recently, but that's another story.

    So now we've figured out why we're all here, it's time we talk about Leah Patterson-Baker-Maguire.

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    Let's just refer to her as Leah from here on.

    Why are we talking about Leah? Good question, thanks for asking!

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    As I learned watching The Sound of Music, it's important to start at the very beginning, so let's do that.

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    Leah arrives in Summer Bay in her wedding dress, a runaway bride. She quickly falls for Vinnie.

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    I have no idea if she recycled her original wedding dress.

    But anyway, long story short: The two marry and have a son, VJ. They later find out VJ is deaf. After Vinnie's father scams him, Vinnie is sent to prison.

    In prison, Vinnie dies. Dead husband number one for Leah!

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    She's left to raise VJ alone. However, we later learn Vinnie isn't dead – he's in witness protection. More on this later...

    Leah eventually starts a relationship with Jesse. In that time, Leah offers to be a surrogate for her friend Sally Fletcher.

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    Jesse and Leah break up when Leah hands the baby over to Sally. Relationship number two, done and dusted.

    Leah dates Peter Baker, but later falls for his brother Dan. They marry.

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    Leah and Dan are very happy together, well, for probably five episodes anyway.

    At some point during her time with Dan, Leah also discovers Vinnie is actually ALIVE and in witness protection.

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    A stranger in a bear costume arrives at one of VJ's birthday parties. Leah later learns it was Vinnie in disguise after finding a letter from him, telling her to move on with her life.

    Leah and Dan go through a series of problems, including his gambling addiction and issues with his ex-wife. They also suffer a miscarriage. But they have some good times!

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    The above photo is Leah dressing up sexy for Dan in the diner, only for him to bring a bunch of his pupils over. Classic gag.

    After numerous ups and downs, Dan heads to America to find their perfect home, and start his new job. But the bloody idiot goes abseiling and dies.

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    Dead husband number two!

    Tbh, I don't think this is a photo of his death, I think he "died" off-screen. But it looks like he had another nasty fall once upon a time.

    Leah is, quite obviously, distraught. Colleen has no fkin idea how to deal.

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    I mean, I don't even know if Leah's hit 30 yet and she's been widowed twice. I guess I'll stop complaining about my own life now.

    After all of this heartache, Leah begins a new relationship with some dude called Hazem. I assume they were happy for some time. I mean, they look happy here:

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    I had kinda stopped watching the show religiously at this point, because I went to uni and was busy drinking goon, and then trying to get someone to push me down the hallway in my washing basket.

    Of course because Summer Bay is white af, Hazem is severely beaten up by racist drunks and the diner is set on fire.

    Hazem is transferred to a hospital in the city and Leah becomes depressed and refuses to leave the house.

    Leah eventually gets over her agoraphobia. I'd assume she got professional help... but it's Summer Bay, so Irene probably just said, "It's time to leave the house, darl" and Leah was like, "yeah, fair point".

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    Leah meets Elijah, and they start a relationship.

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    Damn Leah, give me some tips on how to meet men. And this is all pre-Tinder.

    For some reason Elijah knows all about Vinnie. Remember Vinnie? Leah's first husband who died in prison but didn't actually die.

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    Anyway, turns out Vinnie is now actually dead. For real. Poor Vinnie dropped dead 18 months prior in a farming accident. I have so many unanswered questions about this: What type of accident? Was it as dramatic as Tess McLeod nearly drowning in a silo? Did a cow trample him?

    Anyway, Elijah tells Leah this and takes her and VJ to go visit Vinnie's grave. Closure!

    Because Elijah is a reverend, Leah worries that he doesn't want to do the sex before marriage. Apparently he's all about doing the sex before marriage. Phew!

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    They end up getting engaged.

    Elijah wants to go back to his missionary work, and volunteers to help out with some disaster unrelated to all the Summer Bay disasters. Leah respects his decision, but decided she couldn't be left alone while he went out and, you know, helped people. They break up.

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    Damn Leah, if you aren't that into him, just say it.

    For some reason, Leah decides to date someone called Robert Robertson.

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    Robert Robertson was some dude investigating some Summer Bay murder. No biggie, a character gets killed approximately every 12 months in this town after all.

    Elijah briefly comes back, so Leah cooks him a meal to drop off at his caravan. Shock, horror! He returned with a wife and a stepson!

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    Apparently he only married so the stepson could undergo medical treatment. I don't know anymore guys. I'm struggling to keep up.

    Elijah and Leah do a weird on-off thing where they kiss but then avoid each other as two respecting adults tend to do. But meanwhile Miles confesses his feelings for Leah.

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    As the weird, creepy, middle-aged man would say down at the local pub on a Tuesday at 1pm: She's a hot commodity!

    Despite Elijah declaring his love for her, Leah decides to date Miles instead. Here's some footage of their very weird first kiss:

    View this video on YouTube

    Leah, send me some dating tips, honestly. Mainly so I can stop Googling "how to make a boy like me for me". Google only ever responds with, "not by deleting then reactivating Tinder on a monthly basis, you basic bitch".

    So, somewhere along the way, Leah didn't think she could have more kids. Imagine her surprise when she finds out Miles and his super sperm knocked her up.

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    I'm sorry, I'm sorry I tried to delete the super sperm part but I just can't figure out this CMS.

    Leah considered aborting the baby, but Miles wanted to keep it. Miles tried to propose, but Leah was all, "let's just move in together instead".

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    Ahh, yes, moving in together, always fun, always a good way to see how long it takes for your relationship to die.

    Leah gets trapped in the diner during a storm, and fears she's having a miscarriage. She didn't lose the baby during the storm, but a few weeks later she actually did.

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    She blames Miles and they go through a rough patch, nearly splitting up. Around this time VJ thought it'd be a good idea to run away. Fucken selfish VJ, just what Leah needs in this situation.

    After a breakup with Miles and being rejected for trying to kiss Brax, Leah takes a break from dating and just focuses on being the town confidant.

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    I mean, it'd nearly be a full time job.

    She did get involved in some drama with a guy called Jamie. He snuck into her house to watch her sleep, and also photoshopped an image of himself onto a photo of Leah and VJ. Very normal behaviour!!

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    This ended when Leah took VJ and disappeared from town for a while.

    Fast forward a couple of years and her son VJ got a dramatic makeover.

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    He also got a tattoo and decided he wanted to drop out of school. Leah, meanwhile, was dating someone called Zac.

    Leah got in an accident and was comatose for three months.

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    She made quite a miraculous recovery, though had some "behavioural changes" which made her snap at people, and react loudly to bad noises for a while. I'd say "same", but I can't blame being in a coma for three months for that, just my standard PMS and dislike of humanity.

    Her irrational behaviour (including throwing Zac out of the house and slapping VJ) eventually led her to getting an MRI. It turns out she had an aneurysm.

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    "Of course," I mutter furiously to myself, crossing off my other predictions (pregnant again, cancer, accidentally turned into the Summer Bay stalker in her comatose state).

    Leah turns down surgery after finding out the aneurysm could burst and kill her.

    Instead, her behaviour gets more unruly, from yelling at people to forgetting conversations. Eventually she rocks up at the diner, calling Alf "Dad", and then wanders off and gets lost in the bush. When she was found by the SES, she decides to go through with the operation. Probably from accidentally calling Alf "Daddy" I assume, that would traumatise anyone.

    Leah made it through surgery (even after flatlining!) and Zac later proposes to her publicly on the beach. She rejects him.

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    I mean to be fair it was, like, her fifth proposal?

    Anyway, after chatting with VJ, Leah decides to propose to Zac.

    Somewhere along the way these things also happened: Leah's house burned down, she was made redundant, and she nearly had to sell her share of the diner because her insurance had lapsed while she was in the coma.

    Sorry, I just need a minute to... I just need a minute.

    Chuck Savage / Getty Images

    Leah and Zac had a lot of relationship drama with Zac's ex coming back, a potential love-child... the list goes on. They broke up, got back together, and eventually get married.

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    There was a lot more drama that happened with a bunch of names I didn't recognise (e.g. Zac's ex got murdered which meant he was jailed temporarily) but I have been writing this article now for 84 years, so I won't even go there.

    Meanwhile VJ started dating Billie, and Leah was horrified to find out they were doing the sex.

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    Billie soon revealed she was pregnant, and Leah was even more horrified.

    For reasons I can't quite figure out, Billie and Leah were in some sort of plane crash, where Leah saved Billie's life. Nothing like a stress-free pregnancy in Summer Bay.

    Leah and Zac started going through a rut in their marriage. It's tough being married for six months.

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    At some stage VJ and Billie got engaged and nearly got married, but then Billie did a runner. Billie then gave birth to a daughter, Lucinda (who seems to go by Luc), Leah's first grandchild.

    Except after Luc got kidnapped by Irene's son, Mick, Leah found out VJ wasn't Luc's father – Mick was, because he had raped Billie.

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    Billie found out she had terminal cancer, and she and VJ got married. When Billie died, Leah took Luc home to look after her.

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    In the meantime, Leah wasn't happy when Irene asked to look after Luc from time to time (as Irene was now Luc's biological grandmother) and their friendship remained tense. Leah also slapped Irene at some stage! With all this tension going on, Zac decided it was a good time to cheat on Leah.

    Oh God, my brain hurts. I have a stress headache. It's right behind my eyes. Or maybe it's an aneurysm, just like Leah. I'm not even entirely sure anymore.


    Then there was a HUGE custody battle over Luc. God, this is nearly over, I swear.

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    Billie's brother, Ash, wanted her, Irene wanted her, and of course Leah and VJ wanted her. Leah also asked Zac for a divorce, and then later got home just in time to see a drunk Zac fall off the roof.

    VJ decided not to go for custody of Luc in the end, saying Ash should be her full-time guardian. However, Irene's son Mick (the rapist) decided he wanted visitation rights to Luc, because SOMEHOW, he made it out on parole?!?!?!

    This. Fucking. Town.

    Mick had a DNA test done and wanted to take Luc for good, so Leah agreed that Ash (Luc's uncle) should take her away. However, Ash decided to stay in Summer Bay when he found out Kat was pregnant with his baby. Therefore, VJ decided to take Luc away and stay with family in Cyprus.

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    So now Leah had to say a teary farewell to her ONLY SON, and her fake granddaughter!

    To summarise: five proposals, two dead husbands, one ex-husband, one ex-fiancé, two miscarriages, numerous health problems, a granddaughter that didn't turn out to be hers biologically, and a son that then had to flee Australia with said non-biological granddaughter.

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    I need a nap, a bottle of wine, and a therapist, in no particular order.

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    "What's going on with Leah now?" you ask. Well I tuned in briefly the other night, and she's just stuck in a life rut and wants to make some sort of online community forum. So, look, things are quiet for her now. Which she should be thankful for.

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    We all know that can change at the drop of a hat, though.

    Thank you for joining me on this journey. If you made it all the way to the end, I have two things to say to you:

    Instagram: @krisjenner

    1. Lol, why?

    2. Sound off in the comments/ @ me on Twitter/ sent me a letter about what you think will happen next to Leah. I'm predicting cancer.

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