back to top

The Men Literally Argued About Pot Plants While Wearing Onesies In Episode 7 Of "The Bachelorette"

Sophie, I have QUESTIONS.

Posted on

We open on da boiz talking about Jarrod's stupid fucken pot plant.

Network 10

#Plantgate: The sequel. Kind of like the sequel of Grease. Completely unnecessary, and we got the storyline the first time.

Jarrod was still mad about the lack of growth in his plant and Blake, who definitely pissed in it, was still finding the situation endlessly amusing.

Osher dropped by with a date card to lighten the mood, but the original boiz were left disappointed when they found out it was intruder Stu's time to shine.

Sophie invited Stu onto a boat, to mirror the date she stood him up on 12 months ago.

Network 10

She stood at the helm, looking like she was about to drop the Heart Of The Ocean into the water below her. Apparently that time Stu invited her on his boat, she thought it was for a party and not a date. Kind of like that time Matty and Laura ran into each other in a sauna in Bondi but "didn't talk". Believable.

Sophie and Stu decided to whack some balls into the ocean, which is what I normally call my dating life! Haha! That's a joke, because I don't actually have a life, let alone a dating one.

Their golfing game was filled with pleasant sexual innuendos. "Oh no, that's too big!" "Better to be big than small!" "So close, nowhere near the hole, but close." Basically they just sounded like a 17-year-old boy attempting to lose his virginity.

Back at the mansion, da boiz were talking about how old Stu is.

Network 10

He's a threat to them, but he's an old threat, so it makes sense to just focus on making fun of his age. They deduced Stu was old enough to be Apollo's dad (and to think just last week they couldn't do maths!). Blake decided he's basically a younger version of Stu, minus the dad jeans and the $500 million, and figured Sophie should pick him because he'd at least live longer.

After a casual outfit change, Sophie and Stu kicked back with some champagne to chat ~feelings~.

Network 10

Thankfully, he didn't pour it all over her this time. The champagne that is.

"You have a family in Sydney, so does that mean you're set in Sydney?", Sophie asked Stu. "NO!", he replied rather vehemently. I'm sure his kids will be thrilled.

Stu then gave a passionate speech about how he came to fight for her, and it's not something he'd "normally do". Honestly, Sophie is acting like this is the most romantic thing in the world, but I gotta point something out. If I stood up a guy and 12 months later he was intensely being like, "I HAD TO COME HERE, OR YOU'D END UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE," I'd probably just jump off the boat and fake my own death. I guess it's different when you're in your forties – I mean, according to the other guys he doesn't have much longer to live, so he has to get it all out now.

Sophie was so nervous around Stu. She couldn't look at him, but finally game him a rose. The two kissed, though Stu kept talking in the middle of the kiss to tell Sophie she looked beautiful, while she kept being like, "shit fam, why are you talking?!". It was kind of like watching your weird aunt and uncle get uncomfortably horny after one too many champagnes at Christmas dinner. Funny, but did it have to be public viewing?

All da boiz were invited for the group date which included Mexican food, games, and onesies.

Network 10

Sophie was wearing a pair of Uggs but were they Jarrod's or Blake's? And did Blake piss in them too?!

Jarrod, of course, decided to take his place in the kitchen. "I get to cook for Sophie," he said, managing to make a sentence that should be nice sound terrifying and creepy. As Jarrod nominated himself as head chef, actual chef AJ just decided to be his apprentice, which was probably a safer move.

As the night progressed, Jarrod got more and more red in the face and it wasn't just because his onesie was too tight. He was just sick of Uncle Sam and Blake joking around and acting like "children".

Sophie then introduced a game, where they could anonymously write down any question they wanted answered. And, yep, you got it – there was a question about who sabotaged Jarrod's pot plant. I'll let Mack do the talking...

Network 10

Basically while Jarrod and Blake argued about #plantgate, Sophie and Stu gave each other raised eyebrows over their drinks as though it was their two children bickering.

Things got emotional when the boys found out their family members had sent items from their childhood.

Network 10

Honestly, I'm glad I'm not on this show because no one would need to see my passionate diary dedicated to everything about the Parramatta Eels and my NRL crushes. But that was just from this year.

All da boiz showed some emotions over their childhood memories – with Jarrod being particularly attached to his blankie. Look, Blake was a bit of a dick about it all, making fun of Jarrod when the dude was just trying to talk. But Jarrod sniffing his blankie and then crying over was kinda worth a snort-laugh.

As Jarrod stormed off to deal with his emotions, Sophie followed to see if he was OK. To Blake, this was a deliberate ploy from Jarrod in order to get Sophie's attention. Maybe so, but Blake, my problematic fave, I am begging you – please don't piss on Jarrod's blankie. We'll never hear the end of it.

Mack let Sophie know he had a big, old crush on her, so she rewarded him with some one-on-one time.

Network 10

Except it got weird. He admitted to having a thing for her for the "better part of 10 years", and was staring at her like an adoring fan. Like, as in, he probably watches Date Movie every weekend, sleeps with Bardot's debut album under his pillow, and has a voodoo doll of that Madden twin. He dropped the term "infatuated" a little too much for it to not be creepy, and I was waiting for Sophie to charge him $250 for an intimate meet and greet, and shoo him out the door.

"I basically gave her my heart on a platter," Mack said after the date. I know he meant it as a metaphor, but I was super worried for a second he was about to rip into his chest, pull out his heart, and give it to Sophie at the next cocktail party.

We cut straight to the rose ceremony to say goodbye to two of da boiz.

Network 10

"I'd die for a rose," Jarrod said. Oh hon, we know. We'll scatter your ashes on your dead pot plant when you go.

But the biggest plot-twist was to come! Sophie cut LUKE! Adorable, gangly, hat-wearing, "can I kiss you now?", Luke! I need answers, Sophie?! I mean I didn't think he would win, but I thought he'd at least beat out Uncle Sam, Jarrod, and intruder AJ who has barely said a word yet.

Oh yeah, and she cut her biggest fan Mack, who went home to go snuggle up to his life-size doll of Sophie Monk circa 2001.

Tomorrow night: Someone gets a second single date, and there's drama on the group date with a potential boat crash.

Paramount Pictures

When Jarrod said he'd die for a Rose, who knew they were taking the movie Titanic so literally?

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss