We Watched "The Bachelorette" Australia Premiere And Have A Lot Of Thoughts
It's even more fun than The Bachelor.
1. So keen for this.
2. Well this flashback is awkward.
3. Oh Blake you big old douche.
4. The producers get the girls to look longingly out towards the beach too!
5. "Sometimes I think I'm still not over it. I don't want to go through anything like that ever again." I mean I love you Sam, but it doesn't really make sense to come back to the show that catapulted all that, ya know?
6. I feel for her. She seems genuinely heartbroken.
7. I can't believe she didn't feel good enough. She's so lovely!
8. And I still don't get how anyone can fall in love with Blake though, he's like a robot.
9. This is starting on such a downer.
10. And like, if you haven't watched last season, you still know nothing about Sam other than she got dumped. :(
11. Sam's sister is hesitant, girl knows what's up.
12. "Maybe we should try being boyfriend/girlfriend first." Good call Sammy.
13. Guuuurl you look so hot in that red dress. And the brunette hair is FIRE.
14. It'd be so weird going back to that same mansion though.
15. OH HEY OSHER, fresh off the set of The Bachelor.
16. He's probably so confused, poor Osher, like "When do I get my holiday?!"
17. First guy, here we go! His name is Richie and he is HANDSOME.
18. Ohhh he's staring out at the ocean. Clearly meant to be.
19. Just your casual bloke working out near the park, doing some casual chin-ups on playground equipment.
20. Sash is a well-built, mummy's boy. Who can build houses. OK.
21. Wait, he is also so hot? He's my favourite so far.
22. Oh! The Socceroo! Dayummn son.
23. Classic taking the shirt off shot.
24. THERE'S A SHOWER SCENE YAS.
25. He's my fave now.
26. But why is Michael showering with shorts on. C'mon Mike.
27. "I'm quite annoying" says Davey. What an opener.
28. Did he just say LOVE NUTS?
29. He reminds me of every guy I went to college with.
30. He has nice eyes tho.
31. He's SO YOUNG.
32. "Dad gave me the advice: 'Don't be a dick.'" Words to live by.
33. Osher looks genuinely stoked to see her.
34. Like, damn Osher, just give her a rose.
35. "What's changed?" Osher asks. Mate, were you there last year tho?
36. The mansion, at least, hasn't changed.
37. Wish it had, it's got to be full of bad juju for Sam.
38. Burn some sage in that bastard.
39. "I want to have the love story I've always wanted" - me when I'm searching for the best pad thai on King Street.
40. TIME TO MEET THE GUYS THIS IS WHAT I AM HERE FOR.
41. First out: Dave. Sydney. Plumber. Cute.
42. New fave?
43. Dave looks like he's not used to being suited up.
44. He's making some cracker jokes about slipping on the rose petals.
45. So even guys worry about falling over in formal wear.
46. "I'm packing it at the moment." Classic Dave.
47. This is so awkward.
48. Alex is very smooth.
49. "Fingers crossed we have some banter… all will bode well".
50. He talks like my grandma.
51. HE GOT HER SHOES. JIFFIES?!
52. OMG I wore those when I was like three Alex.
53. It's smart tho. STRATEGY.
54. Oh god Davey is actually the weird north shore bro you meet at the pub on a Saturday night that won't leave you alone.
55. He's picking flowers from the garden.
56. HO DON'T DO IT.
57. He's actually a child.
58. Somewhere off camera, the set designer is having a fit.
59. Davey just said "pooping" and then followed it up with "nipple rash". Where's Anal Glands when you need her?
60. David says he's an international model, but we pronounce it moll?
61. The silence as he casually tucks his hair behind his ears.
62. He's here to play the game. Sam was not into that.
64."I'm not like conflictuous" - you wut mate?
65. Sash! He seems so lovely.
66. Like, a bit full-on.
67. Also looks a little like he should be hosting the show.
68. But that music, he's gonna go far.
69. "I cook, I clean up too." Damn boy, you can marry me.
70. FINALLY someone has a party trick. These guys need to step up their game.
71. Aw he's making her a paper rose.
72. AHH SHE'S NERVOUS. Adorable.
73. OK I am Team Sash.
74. "Now we're talking!" Translation: everyone before him was terrible.
75. Sash is gonna win this.
76. They are acknowledging the producers/the fact it is a ~show~ way more than usual.
77. I love it. So UnREAL.
78. Here comes Jared Leto's hair.
79. "It might be a bit weird." - Drew, in the understatement of 2015, as an owl flies out onto his hand.
80. What was the point of the owl?
81. I don't get it.
82. Is he an owl man? What.
83. He seems like a real hoot tbh.
84. OK I'm done.
85. He should really cut his hair.
86. Wow now we're really flying through the guys.
87. THIS ONE BOUGHT HER A FROSTY FRUIT OMG!
88. Coz her name is Frost. Winning the pun game.
89. "It actually makes my mouth wet so it's good." Um.
90. "I want 7 kids." Kick him out Sam.
91. OMG is this guy on a hoverboard?
92. Are we watching The Bachelorette or Beauty and The Geek?
93. Here's the eccentric musician.
94. "I wrote you a little ditty".
95. A LITTLE DITTY.
96. "That's what's worked for me with women in the past." Yeah OK bro, like so that's why you're on this show right.
97. Oh no he said YOLO.
98. And made a joke about his suit being made out of baby seal??
99. Kick him out Sam.
100. Real talk I'm clenching so hard I could rip the fabric off this seat.
101. MICHAEL HELLO.
102. OK he's so pretty to look at but I tuned the fuck out of his spiel.
103. "She took my breath away, what a stunner."
104. Aussies are just SO BOGAN.
105. Richie noticed her hair. Brownie points to him.
106. He said the blonde was better. Minus brownie points to him.
107. Richie is now known as "cool bananas."
108. "I'm thinking warm thoughts." "Cool bananas."
109. I'm actually dead.
110. "G'day boys."
111. I'm cackling.
112. This boy banter is so great, I'm going to love this show.
113. There is so much white in this room.
114. "Did we just become best friends?"
115. Of course Davey quoted Step Brothers. Dude is such a bro.
116. Alex going through the Dave/Davids is GIVING ME LIFE.
117. I love their commentary on each other SO GODDAMN MUCH.
118. But really Channel Ten, you could get three Daves but no people of colour?
119. Model David is very threatened by Michael.
120. Osher must find it so weird to be addressing a group of dudes after three seasons of ladies.
121. He's being very stern with his love advice.
122. Awww Sam's tearing up during her speech!
123. Oh God, here we go, Blake references incoming.
124. Are we ever going to get past this.
125. Nothing I like better than bringing up my ex on the first date with all my new boyfriends.
126. No white rose for the gents?
127. Love seeing the girl in control tbh.
128. The guys are strategising.
129. Drink every time Davey says "bro code."
130. He is such a "FOR DA BOIIIIIZ" kinda guy.
131. "I'm from Perth, most people get glassed." Richie. WHAT.
132. Dave is very sweet.
133. Australia is the only country where you can be like "yeah she's a cracking sort" and that's actually so nice.
134. All these Dave/Davids/Davey's will get confusing.
135. International Moll has said "play the game" twice and he has barely said two things to Sam. OK dude.
136. So he just goes over and just lurks in the bushes?! K.
137. He's the villain.
138. "So I've told you I'm a model, there's a WHOLE backstory to this." I'm so sure.
139. "I didn't ask to be a moll, it just happened to me."
140. DID YOU KNOW THIS DAVID GUY IS A MODEL?!?!
141. Well he's a model.
142. An International one.
144. Sam's taking the piss it's the best.
145. So are the other guys. GO IN TONY with the Zoolander reference.
146. Wait, where the fuck did Tony come from? He's so handsome?!?!?
147. David is Hans from Frozen. He actually is.
148. There are so many names to remember. Just call em Dave you've got a good chance of getting it right.
149. Michael seems really sweet! Except kind of boring to listen to.
150. "I just thought, you're a very beautiful girl…" Sidenote: "We'd make beautiful babies."
151. David: "When did you drop you're a footballer." Mate, not everyone feels the need to drop their profession in a not quite humble humblebrag.
152. The jealousy is SO real.
153. Did you know David is a model?
154. Well he is.
155. Oh god it's song time from Will.
156. He kinda sounds like James Blunt.
157. Sam stop talking about last season ugggh.
158. There is so much chest-puffing happening rn.
159. Davey is going to break his own bro code!
160. Ho don't do it.
161. Oh my god.
162. Kayne is trying to do a headstand. This is so awkward. I feel sick.
163. So much secondhand embarrassment.
164. I love it though.
165. Oh poor Kayne. I hope he gets another crack.
166. Davey: "How would your friends describe you?" "Full blown legend". K Davey.
167. Wait, the dude is 25, and he's had like seven serious relationships?
168. "Girls break up with me because I'm too nice." Excuse me while I vomit into my wine glass.
169. This guy is like five years old.
170. OK Alex is actually so lovely though.
171. Can we give Jared Leto a makeover?
172. Cool bananas! Stahp.
173. Sash just jumped through the window I LOVE IT.
174. AW SHE'S NERVOUS AGAIN!
175. Twice he's tried to leave her and she's asked him to stay.
176. She likes him. She really, really likes, him.
178. ROSE. ROSE. ROSE. ROSE. ROSE.
179. Oh. They're short-stemmed. I guess a long stem is too girly or something. Sure.
180. The guys are applauding! Yaaass.
181. Did they just call him Sashtag?
182. I SHIP IT!
183. I love how Aussie guys close their mouths as much as possible when expressing any emotion. Like they're resisting letting it out even as they're talking.
184. Seeing the guys all lined up is very pleasing to my eyes.
185. Does she have to pin the rose on the guys every time? How tedious.
186. Hope she doesn't get pricked.
187. There is infinitely more Aussie slang in a room full of guys than there is in a room full of girls.
188. Will just made a joke about being "one inch too short" and I hope he's talking about his height.
189. The producers have picked David!
190. Did you hear he's a model?
191. HASHTAG DEVO.
192. Davey is a walking meme.
193. Two are gone already? She only started with 14!
194. Poor guys. I feel so sad for them. They both seem so sweet.
195. Ohhh the preview of the coming season looks awesome.
196. Also, like, know who ISN'T going home next episode.
197. OK, I'm calling it: the final four are Richie, Michael, Alex and Sash.
198. In that order.