Here's What Happened On "Married At First Sight" Because You Probably Didn't Watch Every Episode But I Did
Honestly guys, I'm emotionally exhausted.
Hi there. Didn't watch every episode of Married At First Sight this week? Wow ok, chill out on bragging about your social life.
Sunday: Two weddings, my funeral, and one runaway bride.
Monday: It's a twin thing.
Tuesday: Where da fuck is Lauren, and the others go on their honeymoons.
It's honeymoon time! The couples jetted off to a range of locations; the only one worth mentioning is John and Debbie are going to Samoa, because the producers are hilariously evil. I'm already predicting that John will come home alone while Debbie is desperately chasing after a Samoan guy 20 years her junior, screaming, "COME BACK POLYNESIAN!"
So do you guys happen to remember the other couples that got married last week? Neither. So let's break down the first episode of honeymoons briefly.
Andy and Vanessa: Andy started exercising his vocal chords, and apparently it took him two separate drinks to finish his story about how he finds it hard to meet girls. But hey, at least he's talking.
Simon and Alene: Alene is still horrified by Simon's curly hair, but thinks he's a real nice guy. The two went dancing and seemed to have a nice time. They're nice. It's all nice.
Sean and Susan: Honestly, these two are so cute they make me want to hurl.
Jonathan and Cheryl: Jonathan the entrepreneur seemed to think once Cheryl was wearing a bikini that they’d finally have a good conversation. Jonathan, a lot of the time, makes as much sense as his job. “I feel like you’re not the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen,” Cheryl kindly told Jonathan. He was real pissed off, because apparently no girl has ever told him like it is before.
Anthony and Nadia: Poor Anthony went in for another kiss, and Nadia was still like, "wow stop moving so fast, I need to take this slow!!" Nadia! You got married! To a stranger! If you wanted to take things slow, try eHarmony next time!
The Lauren and Andrew saga.
Lauren was finally tracked down. She was blindfolded, thrown into a van, and forced into a warehouse with Andrew and psychologist John Aiken. Joking, but she did come in laughing like a maniac, as though dumping your groom and never texting him again is the most hysterical thing to have ever happened. Lauren didn't give any valid reasons as to why she ran away, and was actually willing to give it all another shot, and Andrew was like "this bitch is fucking cray". Sadly, the curtain fell on their short-lived romance.
Wednesday: The first dinner party (if you're still reading hey, thanks, I'll try to make this as short as Jonathan).
The episode started with more honeymoon footage being shown, blah blah, everyone was in paradise, Sharon and Nick made up and won't stop making out, etc.
Jonathan is still fucking pissed that Cheryl had the nerve to express she's not that into him. Nadia's really happy with her "friend" Anthony. Maybe one day soon she'll realise she's ~married~ to him. John's not wearing his wedding ring and decided he's not putting it on until things improve with Debbie, which will be never. And as the dinner party kicked off, the psychologists watched from a secret room, in some creepy A-type shit from Pretty Little Liars.
Andrew rocked up minus Lauren, and of course everyone wanted to know what happened. He gathered the crew, and began his story, and Anthony had a LOT of opinions on it. "There's NO excuse for that," he said, as though he was talking about Andrew, but I nearly feel like it was directed at Nadia. "NO EXCUSE to not give it a try!!! You know what you've signed up for!! Nadia?? Are you listening to this rant??"
Now strap yourselves in my friends, this just continues to get worse. Jonathan and Scarlett started to hit it off, bonding over the fact they're republican, pro-life, AND THEY LOVE TRUMP. No you did not read that wrong. "He's gonna be soooo good for them," Scarlett drawled in her weird hybrid accent. I'm now terrified to read Scarlett's future book.
Cheryl, a 25-year-old, decided she had more life experience than John and Debbie with their 53 years on Earth. "You'd be stupid not to give your marriage a go," Cheryl said, ignoring her actual match Jonathan, while he stared lovingly at Trump photos on his phone. Debbie was outraged she was not getting the respect she deserved from her younger counterparts, then proceeded to chuck a Lauren, and vacated faster than you could say "Polynesian."
Sean and Susan literally couldn't keep their eyes off each other, Alene was pleasantly surprised that her and Simon weren't the worst couple so far, and Scarlett started telling people Michael was a stripper but he didn't want anyone to know. Cheryl and Jonathan ended the night with a fight, and Scarlett by name and nature, zeroed in on him to try and make Michael jealous. Ahhhh, blissful, blissful marriages. Who said romance was dead?
Next week: the couples meet up with the psychologists who ruined their lives, and one person walks out. FOR GOOD.
Spoiler: It's not actually me, but you never know.