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Here's What Happened On "Married At First Sight" Because You Probably Didn't Watch Every Episode But I Did

Honestly guys, I'm emotionally exhausted.

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Hi there. Didn't watch every episode of Married At First Sight this week? Wow ok, chill out on bragging about your social life.

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Lucky for you, I don't have one, so here's what went down from Sunday through to Wednesday.

Sunday: Two weddings, my funeral, and one runaway bride.

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ICYMI Sunday's episode kept advertising the notorious runaway bride, with the promo bride even wearing a convenient pair of joggers. Of course they didn't show WHO the runaway bride was until the very last scene, so let's rehash the weddings.

John and Debbie were paired together because the psychologists thought they were "perfect" for each other, whereas I saw it for what it was... they worked because they were the only middle-aged ones left. Debbie for some unknown reason was convinced she was marrying a Polynesian guy, so had some Polynesian men carry her down the aisle to a bewildered John, who is basically the whitest guy alive. Debbie was fucking shook that John was not Polynesian, and you could see that behind her zen-like, potentially Valium-induced demeanor she was trying to remember how to take deep breaths.

At the reception, some Polynesian dancers came in while Debbie proudly looked at them and said, "now that's what I call culture". Debbie. What in the fresh hell are you on? And can you share it with me?


Ok, I'm not going to clickbait you for a solid hour like Channel 9 did to me. The next wedding featured Lauren, aka the runaway bride
. Except after the initial stress of the ceremony, Lauren and her groom Andrew seemed to be having a pretty damn good time. He even serenaded her! He was fine when she said she had a kid! They shoved cake into each other's mouths and kind of kissed! They both looked absolutely wasted by the end and were leaning on each other for support! Romance!

We find out at the end of the episode that Lauren disappeared the next morning... one minute they were outside together, the next second Andrew turned around and she was gone, only leaving her suitcase, makeup, and literally everything else behind her. But more on that later.

Monday: It's a twin thing.

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The two most-hyped episodes so far have been the runaway bride and the twins getting married... not to the same guy. We checked in quickly with Andrew who was sitting forlornly on his bed, texting things like "where r u? call me? Reply to my Snapchat? It's not a dick pic I swear," to Lauren. But then it was all about the twins, Sharon and Michelle.

One twin was labelled a "party girl" while the other one... was just the other twin, I guess. No, this isn't a plot from Sweet Valley High unfortunately, though god it sure sounds like one.

Elizabet- wait sorry, Sharon, is matched with Nick, a self-confessed bogan. "I love being a bogan aye, don't find it insulting at all champ, just wanna find a sheila, settle down, live on a farm, yeah few kids, few sheep, yeah pretty good." While that may not be word for word, that's basically Nick in a nutshell. Sharon was fucking rapt, may I add.

Michelle, on the other hand, was partnered with Jesse and seemed less than impressed. The main reason? HIS HEIGHT. The short guys are really taking some self-esteem hits this season and part of me is starting to think the psychologists keep setting up tall girls with the short guys just to fuck with everyone. Jesse works in the "family business" aka a fruit shop, and loves a bit of a flirt. Except for when he meets Michelle and can barely string a coherent sentence together, and looks like a kid who's experiencing his first crush. "Michelle, Michelle, watch me kick the footy! Hey Mich, did you see my sweet backflip into the pool? Mich? Mich?????"

Fast-fowarding to the reception, Michelle was about to lose her fucking mind because she hadn't talked to Sharon all day (and let's be real, is probably jealous of Sharon's instant bond with Nick). Finally, they talked it out in a loo, and Michelle realised she probably should give Jesse a chance. In return he gave her a necklace which his mum helped pick out.

Prediction: There's some ~cheating drama~ coming up with Sharon and Nick – he hates cheaters and she has cheated. If they get past this bump, they may be in for a good shot. Jesse and Michelle? It's looking like a no from me.

Tuesday: Where da fuck is Lauren, and the others go on their honeymoons.

It's honeymoon time! The couples jetted off to a range of locations; the only one worth mentioning is John and Debbie are going to Samoa, because the producers are hilariously evil. I'm already predicting that John will come home alone while Debbie is desperately chasing after a Samoan guy 20 years her junior, screaming, "COME BACK POLYNESIAN!"

So do you guys happen to remember the other couples that got married last week? Neither. So let's break down the first episode of honeymoons briefly.

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Andy and Vanessa: Andy started exercising his vocal chords, and apparently it took him two separate drinks to finish his story about how he finds it hard to meet girls. But hey, at least he's talking.

Simon and Alene: Alene is still horrified by Simon's curly hair, but thinks he's a real nice guy. The two went dancing and seemed to have a nice time. They're nice. It's all nice.

Sean and Susan: Honestly, these two are so cute they make me want to hurl.

Jonathan and Cheryl: Jonathan the entrepreneur seemed to think once Cheryl was wearing a bikini that they’d finally have a good conversation. Jonathan, a lot of the time, makes as much sense as his job. “I feel like you’re not the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen,” Cheryl kindly told Jonathan. He was real pissed off, because apparently no girl has ever told him like it is before.

Anthony and Nadia: Poor Anthony went in for another kiss, and Nadia was still like, "wow stop moving so fast, I need to take this slow!!" Nadia! You got married! To a stranger! If you wanted to take things slow, try eHarmony next time!

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Michael and Scarlett: Michael waited until the two were on their honeymoon before telling Scarlett he was a stripper. Scarlett wasn't stoked, but took the news surprisingly well. Michael reassured her that he had Tuesday afternoons free and even Sundays! So Scarlett is lucky! Things fell apart later though when the two disagreed on moving cities. This lead Michael to tell Scarlett he felt they were heading down a friend path and she was all “Well you’re the fakest person I’ve ever met”. Yep. The fakest.

The twins and their husbands: Sharon and Bogan Nick were disgustingly happy, and Michelle seemed to slowly be warming to Jesse. Sharon did confess to Nick that she's cheated in the past, and that is his one greatest hate. So that drama was a clickbaited "to be continued" with dramatic af music for Wednesday's episode.

John and Debbie: John told Debbie he wanted to move into another apartment because he was getting on her nerves. “I don’t know why you have to dramatise everything,” Debbie said, forgetting she was the one that brought a whole Polynesian army to her wedding. Debbie then got upset and ran off, and had the most AMAZING spiel about getting nothing she wanted. “All they had to do was put an ad out to get them (Polynesian men), and they could have interviewed 100 and got one! I got nothing I wanted! I got an orange cake. It wasn’t even gluten-free.” Honestly, give Debbie a Logie for that performance.

The Lauren and Andrew saga.

Lauren was finally tracked down. She was blindfolded, thrown into a van, and forced into a warehouse with Andrew and psychologist John Aiken. Joking, but she did come in laughing like a maniac, as though dumping your groom and never texting him again is the most hysterical thing to have ever happened. Lauren didn't give any valid reasons as to why she ran away, and was actually willing to give it all another shot, and Andrew was like "this bitch is fucking cray". Sadly, the curtain fell on their short-lived romance.

Wednesday: The first dinner party (if you're still reading hey, thanks, I'll try to make this as short as Jonathan).

The episode started with more honeymoon footage being shown, blah blah, everyone was in paradise, Sharon and Nick made up and won't stop making out, etc.

Jonathan is still fucking pissed that Cheryl had the nerve to express she's not that into him. Nadia's really happy with her "friend" Anthony. Maybe one day soon she'll realise she's ~married~ to him. John's not wearing his wedding ring and decided he's not putting it on until things improve with Debbie, which will be never. And as the dinner party kicked off, the psychologists watched from a secret room, in some creepy A-type shit from Pretty Little Liars.

Andrew rocked up minus Lauren, and of course everyone wanted to know what happened. He gathered the crew, and began his story, and Anthony had a LOT of opinions on it. "There's NO excuse for that," he said, as though he was talking about Andrew, but I nearly feel like it was directed at Nadia. "NO EXCUSE to not give it a try!!! You know what you've signed up for!! Nadia?? Are you listening to this rant??"

Now strap yourselves in my friends, this just continues to get worse. Jonathan and Scarlett started to hit it off, bonding over the fact they're republican, pro-life, AND THEY LOVE TRUMP. No you did not read that wrong. "He's gonna be soooo good for them," Scarlett drawled in her weird hybrid accent. I'm now terrified to read Scarlett's future book.

Cheryl, a 25-year-old, decided she had more life experience than John and Debbie with their 53 years on Earth. "You'd be stupid not to give your marriage a go," Cheryl said, ignoring her actual match Jonathan, while he stared lovingly at Trump photos on his phone. Debbie was outraged she was not getting the respect she deserved from her younger counterparts, then proceeded to chuck a Lauren, and vacated faster than you could say "Polynesian."

Sean and Susan literally couldn't keep their eyes off each other, Alene was pleasantly surprised that her and Simon weren't the worst couple so far, and Scarlett started telling people Michael was a stripper but he didn't want anyone to know. Cheryl and Jonathan ended the night with a fight, and Scarlett by name and nature, zeroed in on him to try and make Michael jealous. Ahhhh, blissful, blissful marriages. Who said romance was dead?

Next week: the couples meet up with the psychologists who ruined their lives, and one person walks out. FOR GOOD.

Spoiler: It's not actually me, but you never know.