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My God, "The Bachelor" Episode 7 Was An Absolute Shitshow

So weird that Leah is the first topless waiter we've EVER SEEN ON THE SHOW?!?!?!?!

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Missed The Bachelor last night? OMG, same!!!!

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I went out to go find this so-called "life" thing people talk about! But I failed! Anyway, I have now learned while I was stuffing my face with wine and spring rolls, A LOT OF DRAMA WENT DOWN. Let's wade through the bullshit right now.

We start with a scene of Matty swimming, before making tea or coffee in a crisply ironed shirt. But he's placed TWO mugs in front of him?!?!?! What could this mean?!??!

It'd be so suspicious if the ads leading up for this episode hadn't already heavily promoed his sister!!!

Matty helpfully lets the audience know that he and his sister are "extremely close" aka, his sister wants him to impregnate some lucky lady ASAP so her children grow up with some cousins. Matty's sister is pregnant again, you guys! So we finally have some meaning as to why she's on the show so early. Kate wanted to meet the ladies, because she won't be able to go on a free overseas trip at the end to meet the final two, as she may end up in labour or something.

Back at the house, the ladies are gathered around talking about how they think an intruder or two might pop up any time now.

These dummies. Don't they realise intruders only pop up at cocktail parties when everyone is already heavily under the influence of wine?

Matty's sister walked in, and the girls were all shocked, yelling things like, "It's an INTRUDER!!!". Honestly, these bitches acting like they didn't even watch the series last year are too much. Especially Jen, because we all know she'd normally tear a stranger to shreds, but instead she kept yelling about how beautiful Kate is. I see you Jen. I see you.

Also, does anyone think Matty's sister looks like Michelle, and maybe that's why he gave Michelle the first rose on the show, because he was feeling homesick? Maybe that's just me.

Sharlene expressed that she thinks Matty is extremely smart to bring in his sister to do some research. Weird how I don't usually invite my sisters to meet my house-full of eligible bachelors that I keep hidden from the world, but maybe I will in the future.

The girls stood there and "oooh-ed" and "wooo-ed" over Kate, like she was the Queen. Leah started fake-crying when she learned Kate was spending the day with the girls (don't ask me why), and Alix was picked for the single date.

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Meanwhile, Matty decided to take Alix wakeboarding.

Matty gave Alix a demonstration on how to wakeboard with a little extra touching than what would normally be legal for a tutor, and I gazed out the window, wondering what a life post-Bachelor would look like.

Back at the mansion, Matty's sister started digging for the dirt.

Simone let Kate know that some girls aren't there for the right reasons (shocking!), and dropped Leah in the mess. Interesting that the girls were also failing to point out Jen doesn't really seem to be there for the right reasons either, but I guess if someone has a background of dancing at buck's parties, it automatically makes them a worse person.

Simone told Kate that Leah is a bit of a "party animal", but Elora was the one to put the final nail in the coffin. In her one-on-one, our not-so-Tahitian goddess told Kate that Leah is an "exotic dancer", while Kate's eyebrows launched off the top of her head. Tbh, I still get the vibe Kate gives zero fucks about anything apart from Matty keeping the family tree growing, but she said she will "investigate" Leah going futher. Slow down Tom Croydon, this case is one that can honestly remained unsolved for all I care.

On the single date, Matty awkwardly gave Alix a massage, then awkwardly talked about some of his time on The Bachelorette.

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See normally on single dates, Matty's sister Kate is lurking in the bushes providing a thumbs up if she thinks the lady is a worthy candidate to add to their family. Today Kate was otherwise preoccupied, so Matty seemed a little lost.

"It's so easy being around Alix in an intimate setting," Matty told the camera, while we all watched footage of him looking super awkward while giving her a massage. He then gave her a rose because the thorns started poking him in the butt where he had originally hidden it. Instead of the normal scene where Matty gives a girl a rose, and they play tongue hockey, Alix instead asked about how he deals with dating so many girls. Matty once again looked awkward. It was all awkward, guys, that's all I have to say.

Quick cut to the group date! Matty and Kate forced six ladies to prove their maternal instincts.

The ladies were tested on how well they deal with kids. The lucky winner who could prove she has the most maternal instincts would win some alone time with the guy that may knock her up in the future. The children came bursting into the room with as much crazed energy as the ladies at the cocktail party, and they mean business: They were there to make VOLCANOES, so something other than my head could explode!

Matty is impressed that Tara builds a great rapport with her child... it's almost like, oh I don't know, she does it for a living? Laura got off to a shaky start but managed to turn things around. Most surprisingly for Matty, Leah was a hit with the kids, but I think the thought of alone time with her hurt his brain. Instead he picked the woman who truly makes his volcano explode... Laura.

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Oh btw, Kate pulled Leah aside to talk about her "shady past".

CAN WE MOVE ON YET? Nope, still 30 minutes of the episode to go, I guess not.

Kate told Leah that Matty deserves to know about her topless waitressing/dancing/whatever-ing past. Which is SO true, because Matty would never take his top off for money!!!!

Leah was quite open about her business, but told Kate she wasn't the only one who had dabbled in such illicit things. Sergeant Croydon's gotta get back on the case!

Laura and Matty lashed each other on a boat.

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They spent even more time talking about children, with Laura admitting while she might not be the most maternal person, she'd probably love her own children someday. Matty then shared something we had never heard before: his true desire to become a father. Laura let Matty know she'd probably be ready for children in five years, which is also what I tell my Nonna when I'm lying.

Back at the house, Leah is (rightfully) not happy.

Tbh I never thought I’d say this, but Leah raised some valid points. Particularly about the fact the the other girls decided to reveal her "secrets" while fiercely protecting their own.

Here's the thing: Has Leah been the best person in the house? Absolutely not. But instead of focusing on grilling her on her bad behaviour, the ladies instead focus on the fact she's done some topless waitressing, like it's oh-so-scandalous. Literally who gives a fuck? It's 2017 fam, move on.

Kate let Matty know Leah may have some ~things~ to tell him, but that no one threw Laura, Tara, or Elise under the bus.

So there's our top three sorted.

Kate told Matty that Elora gave her the information about Leah’s "business” and used words like “allegations”. GUYS, LET'S REITERATE. LEAH DIDN’T MURDER ANYONE.

Oh man, I feel so old and tired.

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Things continued to get progressively worse and gross at the cocktail party.

Matty pulled Leah aside to chat to her about all the ~allegations~ flying around. He said Leah's business is not a deal-breaker for him, but he was disappointed that she felt like she couldn't be honest about it. Leah then shot herself in the foot by admitting she tried to "break" Simone in the first two weeks of the house. Oh boy. Goodbye Leah.

Stephanie (lol who?) asked Leah how her chat with Matty went, and Leah played her cards close to her chest. Elora decided to chime in saying, "Did he tip you?" and honestly, FUCK. THIS. GROSS. BEHAVIOUR.

Sharlene, this season's unofficial commentator, chimed in telling Elora that was 100% unnecessary. Thank god someone in the house has common sense.

Matty then talked to Simone about her past, where she tearfully admits she was also a topless waitress, but that she hadn't told him yet because like... she doesn't know him that well? Which is fair enough? Do the names Blake Garvey and Tim Robards ring a bell? They were also TOPLESS WAITERS. And I don't remember them getting aggressively slut-shamed on the show.

A WILD OSHER APPEARED!

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Osher rocked up to grab Leah, and Matty decided it was time for homegirl to get outta there. Leah wished Matty luck in "cutting through the fake bullshit, because there’s a lot of it", before sliding into the limo to farewell the house of horrors. Hopefully she found Sian somewhere down the driveway, still struggling to get home, and offered her a ride.

Tonight's episode: Matty goes on a CONTROVERSIAL overnight date, and Sharlene reminds Matty that she's not actually there to serve drinks at the cocktail party.

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The above GIF is me preparing myself. I hope the overnight date is controversial because Matty chooses Osher!!!!