I Loved "Home And Away" In The '00s, So I Recently Tried To Watch It Again To See WTF Is Going On

So much, but so little has changed.

Greetings, my name is Tahlia. I used to love watching Home and Away in the '00s, even though my parents thought it would kill my brain cells.

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Luckily I've now proved them wrong and progressed onto really stimulating shows like The Bachelor, Vanderpump Rules, and Real Housewives.

I stopped watching the show around 2009, and even though I know of a few odd storylines since then, I'm not across it as well as I used to be.

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So, it made sense for me to tune in for a couple of weeks, while I was waiting for the internet to be set up in my new home. What better time to check on Alf, Irene, Leah and co, and all these other randoms who are either distantly related or banging each other.

Without further ado, here's what's been going down in Summer Bay.

Some angry blonde dude with a ponytail was chasing James Stewart of Packed To The Rafters fame, in a car.

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There was a lot of backstory about some guy named Robbo, who was in love with a pregnant cop, who died, and now people are blaming Robbo. While Robbo was on the run, he remembered he had a dead family (?!), and went into a catatonic state. Enter James Stewart trying to help him. Angry blonde ponytail was the pregnant cop's baby daddy. Both the cop and her baby died in a car crash with Robbo, hence why blonde ponytail is so angry. You can tell he's angry because he aggressively screams a lot and it's super hard to understand him. Kinda like me when I'm watching a Parramatta Eels game.

In this epic car chase, James Stewart crashed into some roadworks, which set off a badly CGI-ed explosion at the school.

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Of course bloody Alf Stewart was at the school because one of his many grandkids had detention. So an explosion goes off in the science labs, and Alf and his daughter Roo get stuck. (Her name is legit Roo.)

With a slab of concrete on him, Alf thinks he's about to die from a heart attack, so he tells Roo her mother is still alive.

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Roo's mother is not Ailsa FYI, it's Martha. I don't know how many wives Alf has had, but I know that makes it at least two, because I've learned basic maths. Roo is not happy, Jan, not happy at all. Except Alf kinda goes into some cardiac arrest, so Roo is all "what d'ya mean mum's alive?!" and Alf is all "gujbnjbjbb, goodbye cruel world."

Eventually they're rescued and Alf and Roo are in one big old fight.

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Apparently Martha faked her own death then later wrote to Alf being like "lol, sike, jokes on you, I was just sick of being a wife and mother!". I'd say that's relatable, but I am neither of those things.

Roo leaves to go live in a hotel, where Marilyn eventually finds her. "How did you find me?!", Roo asks, astounded. Roo, pls, there's gotta be like two hotels in Summer Bay, c'mon now.

The new cop in town used to be a River Boy.

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Finally, some old lingo I can understand. You can tell he's a River Boy, because it keeps showing a promo of him doing up his police shirt over his "live, love, laugh" tattoo or whatever their stupid motto is.

Kidding. It's "Blood and Sand". I've also got one, but I'm not telling you where.

Meanwhile, Sam Frost is constantly stressed and nervous and fervently looking around... this is to show she's scared of something.

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Sam Frost was in the other car that crashed into preggo cop who died. Anyway, as it turned out she was running away from a horrible ex. Lol, no, not Blake Garvey!!! You're so bad.

No, Sam Frost's character was running away from a stalker. A new stalker that is, not one who is disguised as a nurse named Zoe. So she's taking out an AVO on him.

Sam Frost is not doing a bad acting job by any means, it's just weird to see her on something that isn't a Network 10 dating show.

Two blonde, tanned people are fighting about their breakup. She cheated on him, and only told him after he tried to propose.

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I do not recall their names.

He's super mad and stomps off to go sleep in the bait shop, while she slides down the shower wall crying, until Irene finds her and says things like, "oh GAWD, love, no, please stop."

One family is struggling with the news that the mother has cancer. She has two daughters, one that looks her age and is dating an ex-meth addict, and one who is a teenager with anxiety issues, who is dating one of Alf's stray grandsons.

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They find out the cancer hasn't spread, but it's aggressive so she needs to undertake chemo as soon as possible. "Let's start it right now," she nods firmly, while her husband looks at her confused. "Are you sure???" he asks. He's very bewildered by the fact his wife wants chemo to kill the cancer. What a confusing situation! Who ever would have thought!

The kids later join them in the chemo room, where everyone's super impressed as to how well the mother is taking her first treatment. "I'm going to BEAT this," she smiles triumphantly, while they're all "yas queen, OK, let's go back to UNO!"

Eventually the mother thinks she's gonna vom, and like all good hospitals, there was nothing placed next to her during chemo treatment. As she gets up to find somewhere to throw up, she faints instead. Her kids are freaking out like, "WTF, she was doing so well?! IS THE CHEMO MAKING HER SICK OR SOMETHING?! WHAT IS THIS MYSTERY?? SHE MUST BE ALLERGIC?????"

None of these morons clearly know how chemo works.

Tanned blonde dude from tanned blonde breakup, goes on a date with another blonde. His tanned blonde ex-girlfriend is not impressed.

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"What is he doing?! She is nothing like me!", she screams to one of their mutual friends. Probably the point, doll. Let's just say if you've cheated on someone, chances are they're not gonna go looking for someone exactly like you again.

Sam Frost goes to the gym to punch some bags.

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No, not Marilyn and Irene, lmao! You're so naughty.

Some guy with ridiculous biceps helps her out, while staring at her with googly-eyes. "I'm not a yoga kind of girl," Frosty beams, while delicately punching the bag, looking exactly like a "yoga kind of girl".

Uh-oh, her stalker ex is in town! He is conveniently waiting in her caravan when she returns from not being a yoga-kinda girl.

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Why are these caravans still so easy to break into? Does no one lock their doors in Summer Bay, even after all the years of stalkers, murderers, River Boys, and fuck knows what else?

He holds Sam Frost, Leah, and Alf's random grandson hostage!

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Luckily, Leah has been in this situation at least 77 times before. She orders a pizza with a "SOS" message. The dude that used to be addicted to meth is all like, "This is weird" and calls Leah to see if she wants garlic bread. Stalker man is like "ffs yes, we'll take some garlic bread", and this is a sign for former meth-addict turned pizza man to send the police over.

New cop, aka secret River Boy with secret chest tattoo, tackles creepy stalker to the ground.

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Sam Frost's ovaries explode! The day is saved!

Criminal Robbo is now out on bail! He was the dude angry blonde ponytail is heaps pissed at. The town is also angry and scared for their safety... so it makes sense to call a town meeting.

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That'll be sure to fix things!

But will Roo ever forgive Alf? Will cancer mum's family ever learn that chemo does actually make you sick? Will Sam Frost choose the new cop or the guy with the biceps as big as my head? Will angry blonde ponytail ever speak clearly again? Will this Robbo storyline ever die?

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These are the questions that will keep me up at night.

Until next time, comrades.