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Here's What Happened On "Married At First Sight" This Week, It's Nearly Over I Swear

We said goodbye to JONESSSSYYYYYY, thank fuck.

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Sunday's episode: The comedown from the dinner party, and Jonesy still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Remember last week's shitshow of a dinner party? Ugh, I wish I didn't remember either. As every couple woke up with a big old drama hangover, master villain Andrew hinted heavily that he was going to write "leave" on his card during the commitment ceremony. "Cheryl and I are in the same boat, chipping away at friendship." OK then Jonesy pal, if mocking people's voices, insulting their character, and making crude physical comments about them is what friendship is about for you, then that says a lot.

OK let's just fast-forward to their inevitable breakup on national TV. "I made you guys do an intensive bootcamp," psychologist John said proudly. You know the one – when they looked back on a scrapbook of their "better" times together. I mean, boys night and last week's dinner party proved John's bootcamp didn't really work... but let's avoid the real issues here! Let's not talk about the gaslighting or the misogyny or anything. Let's talk about this ridiculous fucking bootcamp for a two-week relationship.

In a frustrating turn, the dinner party and boys night weren't exactly analysed the way they should have been. "How do you expect me to react when you're mimicking me?", Cheryl asked Andrew. "When was this?," he replied feigning complete innocence, as though the whole thing was never recorded for one million Aussies to later watch. Andrew's defence of his immature and deplorable behaviour? "I just had enough of the whole situation," he said. Um, Andrew, you know you could've actually LEFT last week right, instead of opting to leave then choosing to stay? The producers aren't holding YOU hostage, they only reserve that for Nadia, duh.

When psychologist John asked Andrew about the boys night, good guy Jonesy described it as "light-hearted", and was confused once again when asked if he had Cheryl's back. "I guess you could say I had her back, if stabbing her 100 times in the back counts, yeah," Jonesy said. In a completely non-shocking twist, the two both opted to leave their relationship. The most ironic part? Jonesy felt like HE had been let down by the whole experiment. "I just feel like I've missed out, and I just wanna go again," said the dude, who's first bride literally ran away from him. Okeh.

For the other couples, the psychologists kept gently pressing them to drop the L-bomb. By gentle, I mean they were screaming, "There's a four-letter word you need to say to each other!! It begins with L!!!!" None of the couples fell for that psycho-babble bullshit, thankfully. Look I'm not a psychologist, but it seems really odd for the experts to try and force them to drop the word "love" after six weeks.

Michelle and Jesse had a bit of a hard time. While Jesse vomited out his feelings, his heart landing with a little "plop" on the floor, Michelle was still like, "I just dunno if we're good mates or more". Michelle. It has been SIX WEEKS. If all the couples are fornicating and you're still feeling like you're babysitting your little brother, newsflash, it's probably NOT going to work! With both of them breaking down into tears, it looked like it'd be all over for our favourite friend-zoned couple - but for some unknown reason Michelle decided to stay. I can't wait to keep repeating this storyline until the end of the show and my untimely death!

The only other thing you need to know about this episode is that Nadia drew Anthony a horse on her "stay" card, and I've literally never seen him look SO happy. Now that's what I call a "horse woman".

Monday's episode: Last dates, and who's just mates?

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We opened the episode with one of the series' strongest couples, Nick and Sharon, who seem to be a shoo-in for renewing their vows. "I had a bad dream about Nick and I, now I'm unsure," Sharon said, as my hand made a gesture all by itself to turn the TV off. "Ahh dreams are the window to the SOUL," psychologist John's voice bellowed out from a moving picture frame in the apartment, just like in Harry Potter.

Let's get the lovey-dovey boring shit over first, because that's obviously why we don't watch the show. Susan and Sean went on a beautiful Hunter Valley date, complete with a hot air balloon. Simon and Alene, over a romantic setting and some wine, told each other the first moment they fell for each other. Ahh young love.

OK great. Back to Sharon's dream. She now feels like she has trust issues again with Nick, because of whatever the fuck he did in her dream. Last night I dreamt I was in a room full of doughnuts, and I woke up and it wasn't real, so I can sympathise because I now also have trust issues. Sharon and Nick went on a date to Luna Park, where he went on rides he clearly didn't enjoy for her purpose, and she wondered if she was being a bit over-the-top. "But the twins would NEVER be over the top!", you chortled. I know right?! Crazy!

Nine Network

Meanwhile in Michelle and Jesse's land, he took her on a boat in attempt to woo her and get her out of the "friendship zone". Let this be a note to all males: Do not attempt to try and romance a woman after six weeks of doing shit-all, because it's probably not going to work. That's some free advice!

I couldn't help but notice when Jesse was basically asleep on the boat, the curious angle of his tattoo. A symbol of the future perhaps?

Nine Network

Meanwhile Anthony went dress shopping for Nadia. As he inspected one item, he muttered something about how Nadia didn't have the tits for such a dress. Sad! It's kinda like how Anthony doesn't have the brain to be in a healthy relationship with a woman!

He then took Nadia to a secluded spot, where he surprised her with opera singers. "Tonight is all about Nadia and what she's passionate about," he said, probably coming to this realisation a tad too late, considering the last six weeks have been about Anthony. "I know music is something you're passionate about," Anthony said to Nadia. The whole time I was hoping opera specifically was her passion, because nobody should be surprised with a spontaneous opera chorus. Trust me, I know from experience, because at 6:30pm every night my neighbour does exactly that.

Tuesday night: Jesse's fukt, and a stray Thirsty Merc.

Because we hadn't seen enough of the awkward final dates the previous night, Tuesday's episode continued them. Here's the thing guys: Maths is not my strong point, but if each episode of Married At First Sight cut half an hour of the rehashing of previous episodes, I would still be a youthful 26, not 84 years old and wishing I was dead.

Vanessa decided she wanted more out of Andy, so she could make a decision about where their relationship was heading. "Will you miss me when we're apart?" she said, repeating the phrase I say to my boyfriend every time he goes upstairs. Andy said he would miss her, but apparently that still wasn't good enough for Vanessa. He should have said how MUCH he'd miss her, but he rightfully doesn't exactly know... until like, they finally spend time apart. Vanessa then went on a rant about the difference between them as extroverts and introverts, as though being an introvert is some sick, unholy disease, while poor Andy was probably just confused af.

Sharon’s trust issues were rehashed and the topic of caring for a hungover Nick was raised, as though that is some kind of threshold for breaking up. Literally if all breakup criteria was based on vomiting in a bath and getting too hammered, I'd be single for life. Anyway, weirdly enough, this show isn't about me. Nick gave Sharon a scrapbook of their life so far together, and she was impressed he was able to print off some photos at Big W and glue them into a 95c notepad. Good job, Nick!

FYI, Sean and Susan are still perfect in this episode and if they can't make it work, no one will.

Jesse decided to read a letter he wrote for Michelle, and it was painful. As he read off the sheet of paper like a six-year-old, running his finger along the line to sound out words, Michelle tried to compose her face into a loving look, but failed. While I'm sure there were some lovely sentiments in Jesse's letter, I got distracted by how many times he used the word "door". "I've seen the door. If you can find the door, that I have found, and allow yourself to walk through it.. I just hope you find the door. Like I have," he read. It was borderline sad to watch, because we all know Michelle's door is an escape one, to get the fuck outta there. Also literally no one has been that obsessed with doors since Hodor, so like, this is not going to end well.

Meanwhile in Nadia and Anthony's world, Anthony seemed to think Nadia moving cities for him wasn't a huge deal. "I've moved before," he exclaimed. "You pack your bag, you move, it's not hard." "That is bullshit," Nadia said, as she savagely stabbed her food with a fork. Girl was finally sticking up for herself! Basically Nadia was having doubts about moving for Anthony, because she's moved for a guy before and it didn't work out. Some would say if Anthony thought moving wasn't such a big deal, maybe Anthony could try moving to Nadia! But as we all know, this show isn't exactly logical. "I don't want to be swept away in a fairytale," Nadia told the camera sadly. Um newsflash Nadia sweetie, if you think Anthony has resembled any sort of a fairytale prince so far, I am begging you to GET OFF THE SHOW.

As you probably have realised by now, I don't talk much about Alene and Simon because they are very sweet, falling in love, and their dates are not dramatic. BUT! Simon treated Alene to a beautiful date, and they both realised they started falling for each other when they went to dancing lessons on their honeymoon. So Simon and Alene took to a makeshift dance-floor, where some dude was standing there waiting to serenade them. "Haha this guy looks like that dude from Thirsty Merc," I said to my housemate, laughing at my hilarious wit. "This is Rai from Thirsty Merc," Simon told Alene, as I promptly choked on my two-day-old honey chicken. This show is serving up some Bachelor-style shit, lemme tell you. The two slow-danced to the lead singer of one of Australia's biggest bands in 2006, but unfortunately he didn't sing "20 Good Reasons", so idk why they even bothered.

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