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    "Bachelor In Paradise" Has Finally Fuckin' Started And Here's What Went Down

    I've never felt more single.

    Oh hey there. We haven't talked since November. Don't worry it's not you, it's definitely me.

    Thankfully our common interests have finally aligned again and we can live vicariously through these hot rejected idiots who have decided to fly to Fiji to fall in love with other hot rejected idiots. Shit yeah, I'm talking about Bachelor In Paradise! Let's hash out what went down in Episode 1, shall we?

    Osher warmly greets us from Fiji, where he's been stuck ever since Sophie's Choice.

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    Get it... Sophie's Choice! It's a joke. Whatever, my parents think I'm funny. Mum, Dad, please call me back.

    Osher finally explains the premise of the show – our beautiful, idiot rejects will spend a lot of time drinking, splashing, and fondling each other to try and build connections to fall in luuuuurve. In the first week, the women will have the power handing out a rose to who they want to explore a connection with. Then the next week, the men will have the power. Etc etc. "If you do not receive a rose, you had to leave paradise immediately," Osher sternly told the camera. I can't believe he stole my number one dating line, but that's fine, I'll let him use it just this once.

    This show is already fascinating to me because I'm 99% sure most of them already know each other, have banged, and now we're going to watch one huge incestuous Bachelor-related family get involved in a shitload of drama.

    We get a tasty little preview of what's to come this season. And it looks really fun!

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    Jarrod promises we're going to see a whole new side to him that doesn't involve red-faced rage over pot plants, Elora and Megan are 100% going to hook up, and there's some American INTRUDERS. Oh, and the tears! So many tears! From women and men alike! The last time I saw that amount of tears was when I drank half a goon bag and watched the episode of This Is Us where Jack died. Soz for the spoilers, but catch the fuck up if you're behind.

    “Nothing says summer romance like a cool drink by the pool at a stunning tropical resort," Osher smugly says. OK, we get it, it's fucking beautiful there and the rest of us plebs are just sitting at home with scary face masks on that promise to be "anti-ageing". Or maybe that's just me.

    We get introduced to our first beautiful rejects.

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    Tara is up first, and said she’s excited to see Osher and his hair, which I can report is being held up with five cans of TRESemme intense hold. Tara admitted to having previously met some other rejects but said she's hoping to find some "fresh meat", which is ironically what I say when I open up Tinder for the 10th time on a boring Saturday night.

    Up next is Michael Turnbull, not to be confused with Malcolm Turnbull. You can tell the difference between Michael and Malcolm, because while they may both embellish on their careers and think they're better than they are, Michael has chest tattoos and as far as the general public is aware, Malcolm does not. We know this because Michael is our first shirtless shot of the night. Again, not to be confused with Malcolm. Please check the image above.

    “People might remember me, I came runner-up in Sam Frost’s season of The Bachelorette," Michael-not-Malcolm says. Or for being a fake Olympic-level football player, either one.

    Michael is keen to meet Tara but she's paranoid she's too sweaty for him. "Michael is perfect, like a Ken Doll, and I was just like 'am I too SWEATY for you?!" Tara screamed at the camera. God, how we've missed her on our screens.

    Luke (Sophie Monk's season) and Lisa (Blake Garvey's season) stroll on in, and dramatic music tell us villain Leah is on her way.

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    "Who?" you ask. Leah. She was on Matty J's season and she proudly said she's remembered for "stirring the pot". Ugh, whatever, just Google her if you can't really remember, I don't blame you.

    A young Tony Soprano saunters into paradise, a necklace swinging jauntily from his neck, and his huge-ass ring glinting in the sun. Yes, it's Davey Lloyd ladies and gentlemen!

    Someone called Brett who seems to think he was on Sophie Monk's season ambles in, and Tara is excited to see him but also confused because he's apparently dating her friend.

    Nina from Sam Wood's season makes an entrance, breakdancer Eden from last year's Bachelorette sticks to walking in like a normal human, and Flo looking like a glowing goddess excitedly tells Osher she hopes Davey's on the island. Yes. You read that right.

    Davey, who had been chatting up Leah, is fucking stoked to see Flo.

    Network 10, Network Ten

    As it turns out, they've had some flirtation on Instagram. And as it also turns out, it looks like we've got our first love triangle situation of the show, and we're barely an hour in!

    Another Sophie reject, Mac, enters paradise, sans his guitar. Straight away he zooms in on Leah. "I see Leah straight away, she was wearing a bikini top and a sarong," he tells the camera, while Leah stands by the pool in a white playsuit. OK Mac.

    Douchey Blake (not Garvey, but other douche Blake from last season) makes his grand entrance in what looks like kids pyjamas. He's ready to stop being a douche in Perth, and bless Fiji with his overall douchiness. You may remember Blake as the guy from Sophie's season that had his abs contoured on, and who also made home visits, but was massively douchey when he was eliminated.

    Jake Ellis from Georgia Love's season appears. Already his story arc seems to be "nice guy turned fuckboi", so this should be interesting to watch. I've seen his thirsty Instagram pimping himself out for ladies nights. I know his game.

    As it turns out Flo and Jake have a history. “People talk on Instagram and you get smashed and things happen,” Flo tells the camera. I guess that's what the life of attractive people is like anyway. The only DM slides I get is from my BFF sending me LADbible memes.

    Meanwhile Brett, the guy convinced he was on Sophie Monk's season, is dodging questions about his rumoured girlfriend.

    Davey Soprano is given the first date card, and sweats it out trying to choose between Flo and Leah.

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    His heart says Flo, but he's cottoned on to the fact Flo and Jake have history, so he doesn't want to be THAT dude. So instead he does a 180 and chooses Leah. Big mistake. Huge!

    Watching Davey and Leah is like watching two people who were popular in high school and could never quite let go of that feeling interact. They flirt with about as much emotional maturity as two 16-year-olds drinking Passion Pop for the first time.

    Meanwhile dateless Flo is pissed off at Davey's decision. Flo, hon, you are a beautiful goddess but good lord, you have terrible taste in men.

    Davey and Leah make out with as much passion and enthusiasm as I feel when I accidentally see a photo of an ex-boyfriend. So... zero.

    Tara tries to talk some sense into Flo re: Fuckboi Jake and serves up a scalding hot tea.

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    “I live on the Gold Coast and everyone has been there,” she says. "Everyone has a Jake Ellis story."


    Flo confronts Jake about being a fuckboi.

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    Jake reckons all the stories about him being a manwhore are absolute rubbish. Stay tuned for his album Reputation: The Jake Ellis Version, dropping as soon as he leaves paradise.

    Flo and Jake then passively-aggressively fight about whether he could go take a bathroom break in the middle of their argument. It's like they've already been stuck together for three years, the passion has died out, they've stopped having sex, and for some reason are holding on to make each other miserable.

    “I’ve got such bad taste in men, it’s actually funny," Flo tells Lisa. Flo, I relate to this on a spiritual level.

    We enter day two in paradise with some of the boys rubbing Luke's belly for "good luck".

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    I, too, would like to rub Luke’s belly for good luck.

    “It’s day two and already we have more drama than High School Musical," Eden tells the camera. We clearly didn't see enough of this dude last year.

    Sexy villain music plays to announce Keira's arrival, as she passes a forlorn Jarrod trying to make his way home from Sophie brutally dumping him.

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    “I love Jarrod, but it’s too sensitive for him right now I think” Keira tells Osher, after seeing Jarrod standing by himself on the sand island that he took Sophie to last year. He hasn't moved since then. Poor Jarrod.

    Jake is given a date card and decides he needs to talk to da boiz before making a decision.

    Network Ten

    Women love when a grown-ass man does this!!!

    Davey is busy apologising to Flo and saying he fucked up, when Jake comes over, and mumbles through his teeth, "wannagoonadatewithme". Flo agrees to go on a date with him much to Davey's obvious disappointment and dun dunnnnn... we have to wait until the next episode to see what happens next!

    Will Flo and Fuckboi reignite the flame? Will Davey Soprano make his goddamn mind up? Will the producers realise Brett is an imposter and send him back home to his confused girlfriend? Will I ever get a match on Tinder?

    See ya tomorrow!

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