"I won't eat for 22 hours and be like, 'Damn, why am I so lightheaded right now?'"
Feat. Mean Girls, Drew Barrymore, and Lionel Richie.
"Joker is for little, empty-headed babies. If you want to see something truly bleak and psychologically disturbing, watch Encore! on Disney+."
The 2020 Academy Award "Best Picture" Nominees Were Announced, So Here's A Bunch Of Jokes About Them
I'd like to thank the Academy...and also, Twitter.
We are friends until 5 p.m. After that, IDK who you are.
"Go ahead and get in the pond since you wanna act like a silly goose."
Baby Yoda has problems just like you, only cuter.
People Are Sharing The Biggest Problem They Have With Their Name, And Some Are Funny, But Others Are Infuriating
"What's the biggest problem you have with your name?"
Jerry for president.
We can. We will. We must.
"Oh, so you’re in your twenties and you DON’T have a crippling caffeine addiction? Grow up."
"Straight dudes think wearing striped socks is a personality."
Take a breather and enjoy.
If I can't bring my weighted blanket, I don't want to go.
"This is the generation of looking 14 but actually being 22."
"If your tattoos aren't stupid, you're a f**king nerd."
Message: Why do I love this show so much? SEND.
Or, you know: Claire, Clar, Clair etc.
The size of the fires is now more than 82 times the size of Singapore.
"Cancelling plans is okay. Faking your own death is okay. Making it look like your husband murdered you is okay."
"My compliments to the microwave."
Hermione: *Saves world.* Dumbledore: Well done, Harry!
"Me explaining that just because I take forever to text back, doesn’t make it acceptable for you to do the same."
Me, for the next decade: Oh, valley of plenty! Oh, valley of plenty!
"I'm about to sue Greta Gerwig for emotional damage."
"my new year’s resolution is to put my clothes back on the hangers after i try 8 different outfits outta the closet lol"
"Congratulations to all those couples that will celebrate New Year’s Eve together. As for me and the person reading this, the Lord is our Shepherd."
"Baby Yoda implies the existence of a Sporty Yoda, Scary Yoda, Ginger Yoda, and Posh Yoda."
Every week has seven days, except the last week before winter break. It has 192.
"Uncut Gems ended 20 minutes ago, and I still have enough adrenaline to lift a car."
Babu Frik is the best thing about "Rise of Skywalker." I will not be taking further questions.
"Sorry but 'tender and mild' is an absolutely nuts way to describe a baby you’re not trying to eat!"
"My favorite part of Endgame was when Remy from Ratatouille came on screen and saved the day."
I hope there's a spell for Luna to fix her back after carrying the series for all these years.
"Boyfriends can have a little of your fancy face wash, as a treat."
"So do we say 'happy impeachment' or 'merry impeachment?'"
"Half of my camera roll is just screenshots of my lock screen that I accidentally took."
"I really scratched off world peace for Hannah Montana tickets".
"I thought I liked seeing movies, but turns out I like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me."
"Why do Americans eat roasted marshmallows and potatoes with their Christmas dinner? I'm disgusted."
Entry-level job postings be like...
"Christmas is really in two weeks and everyone’s gift is still at the store 😭"
"Have you ever had the scissors slide through wrapping paper?"
"Why not people just beep horn so people in front of them will move??"
"Final exams are the true nightmare before Christmas."
"Oh, I REALLY needed this!" —You, reading this post.
'Tis the season!
Cardi B’s bodyguard could crack me like an egg and I’d say sorry.
"If you cried at the kitchen table doing math with your parents, you're gay now."
From Marvel movies to the K-pop explosion, here's what the world tweeted about the most in 2019.
"Trying on jeans in the fitting room is an extreme sport."
"Not using plastic straws is the thoughts and prayers of climate change."
"I wish someone looked at me the way some folks look at those Costco samples."
"When Jack Black said, 'You’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore,” I really felt that."
That's Hugo Award-winning author to you!
It's Baby Yoda's world and we're just living in it!
"Yo, everyone wanna act rich until it's time to call the Uber."
"Wrapped is just a vibe check from Spotify."
What, like it's hard?
Twitter has been around for the last decade, so here are the tweets most likely to make you chuckle and say, "That's good."
"I’d let Florence Pugh and Rachel Weisz push me down a flight of stairs..."
Here's to more chonks, floofs, and smol beans in 2020!
"Dudes be tryna bend you all crazy during sex, like calm down before I fart."
Prof: Thamks — sent from iPad.
"So you mean to tell me that a shrimp fried this rice?"
"Does anyone else bark commands at Alexa in the voice of Moira Rose from Schitt's Creek?"
"Oh you're an English major? Name every word."
Sprinkle-covered pickle or chocolate-covered Cheeto?
"Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you."
"Women just get it. And men don’t. Won’t elaborate."
The Avengers attacking Thanos while he was making breakfast really resulted in so many jokes.
Choose Your Fighter: Al Roker Vs. A Man Dressed As A Stick of Butter.
In no particular order...
My ex: "I want you back." Me: "My mom said no."
Baby??? I don't know her...
"Friendsgiving but it's a Taco Bell potluck."
It's been a good decade for feminist comebacks.
We don't deserve Lizzo or her tiny purse.
"For me, the most relatable character in Pride and Prejudice is Charlotte’s little brother who declares that, were he as rich as Mr. Darcy, he would buy many dogs and turn to alcoholism."
The only type of wars I like.
"The joys of mutually appreciated oral pleasure."
Please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me.
21 Food Opinions That Are So Controversial They Make Me Want To Slam My Fists And Throw A Chair Across The Room
"Lettuce is crunchy water."
18 Jokes About "Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace" That'll Remind You That Nobody Likes That Movie
"Once more, with even less feeling." —George Lucas to every actor in Phantom Menace.
"'Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.' Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla."
It's OK, I can make fun of them because I was one.
"Fun fact: The most powerful person in any family is the person who tells the other family members what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner."
The Cats movie really is the gift that keeps on giving!
"Look upon my prettiness and despair!" — Ezra Keonig, Aries.
I am an adult, but also I need my mommy at all times.
"You're on his mind. I'm on his nerves. We are not the same."
"My mom made everyone get out of her picture with the food because 'ain't nobody help'."
"Do business majors deserve rights? Let's discuss."
I'm gonna tell my kids to mind their business, first of all.
"He protec. He atac. He also take nap."