Tweets From This Weekend
"Chasing after a ping pong ball is dehumanizing."
"Do you mean to tell me that if I don’t go big, I may get to go home?"
"Any voice note over 60 seconds, you are now holding me hostage."
Ma is kinda worthy of lifting Thor's hammer...
Not the sugar daddy texts...
"Y'all after drinking cold brew and vaping for breakfast: I have IBS."
"Jack Harlow looks like he just got his braces off. I don't know how to explain it."
Not the thicc snowman...
The squirrel squaring up...
"Just because I'm evil, doesn't mean I don't cry." —A Capricorn
Not the Steve Harvey pics...
"I coulda went pro if PE was recorded."
The Elton John tweet, LMAO.
The Jigsaw pic, LMAO.
"I don’t like that we sell baguettes naked like that."
"I think my favorite part of my life is when I get a package."
The Big Bird tweet, LMAO.
"Not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough. <3"
"I like my music at a volume where I can't hear you."
"How you DUNE?" (Wendy Williams' voice.)
"Everything new I learn about Olivia Munn and John Mulaney I learn against my will."
"Willy Wonka is so weird. I’ve had chocolate too, bro. Not gonna act all weird because of it."
"As if this year could get any worse, I just met a dog named Amanda."
"Please don't ask futile personal quizzes." —Taxi driver
"I didn't peak in high school. I was ugly the entire time."
"My boyfriend cheated on me in my dream, so we will not be speaking today."
Fake pizza hotline????
The mom's text, LOL.
"I can’t have a child because it will take away from time I could be on my phone."
"Just spilled my iced applecrisp oatmilk macchiato all over my sister's newborn baby."
The flash mob tweets, LMAO.
We are literally the cast of Black Mirror this season...
"Cleaning your glasses be like changing from 360p to 1080p."
"Can't decide if I wanna be kissed right now or get hit by a car."
"Parents don't care how the picture looks. They just post you."
"How hot was Freud's mom?"
Silly Goose Fall is here.
"I like to see how red the flag can get."
"My body’s check engine light has been on since I was 14."
"Hot people check their email at the bar."
"Me in an ambulance: 'Hi, for Isabel?'"
The note to the vet, LMAO.
I love these.
LOL the Midsommar "review."
What a weekend.
"The hypochondria is the powerhouse of the unwell."
The dad text...
"Need to meet someone the old-fashioned way (blacked out a bar)."
Randomly, there's two vacuum tweets this week.
The piece of tape...LMAO.
"Sometimes when my husband makes me mad, I look at him through a fork and pretend he's in jail."
"Kinda rude i wasn’t born into a multimillionaire family."
The cat footage...
"Crossfaded (had a Coke and a Diet Coke)."
Not the "girl by herself" description...
"Microdosing a relationship by getting into arguments with my male friends."
"Boy, are you Jesus? Because you've been dead to me for three days."
"When a guy is a good cook, it cancels out like three red flags."
"Humans weren't created so we could give each other parking tickets."
"I just got into Harvard! A student opened the door for me."
"My god!" —Someone shocked at a nose ring
That text...I have no words.
The bulldog's face...
The dog blurred out...
Falling in love so rent is cheaper
Not the Bill Clinton pic...
Not the Thot Patrol...
The shape video...
"The next stimulus check will be a cameo from the D’Amelio family."
The Kamala tweet, OMG.
"Look who decided to come out of their room."
The Lysol helicopter...
The dad's reaction, LMAO.
Featuring some election-related tweets.
Spooky selection this weekend.
I, too, will no longer get ready or dressed anymore.
Monica Lewinsky is right about prosecuting mosquitoes.
October said, "hold my beer."
The turtle escape...
The mask purse...
The oversized mask...
I agree — men don't work.
The ocean is a soup???
The Annabelle memes...LOL.
Kidz Bop people listening to "WAP," LMAO.
DURING A PANDEMIC?!
Featuring a lot of cake-related tweets.
The soap bar...
The chicken playing Uno...OMG.