"You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of 'bag of ice' to your summer cookout."
"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date!"
Nothing like a good ol' dad joke.
Eating ramen for the rest of the month is worth it because I am now a real-life mermaid.
"Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let's do it, let's eat our young."
"Adulthood is trying each of the same six passwords that you use for everything."
Bakit ako nakakarelate sa bagong saing na bigas?! BAKEET
"When people talk about how much they hate salad, they always look at me and say sorry...like it offends me."
Warning: These are very, very, NSFW.
La très grosse marrade.
"Did we just become best friends?"
"If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do? You go home because it's your favorite one being used. Math is easy."
Clay Jensen, chaotic good.
“Hey, big guy. Sun's gettin' real low.”
You: writing. Me, an intellectual: sitting in front of a computer and crying.
"Have no regrets. Except all those facebook pages you liked back in 2009, regret those."
"Copernicus called, and you are not the center of the universe."
Are you smart enough to understand them?
This month marks 25 years since Cheers' final episode aired.
"I’m looking for aesthetically-pleasing water retrieval devices for my yard. So far it’s going pretty well."
"Diets are all fun and games until it’s time to eat."
"Me waking up: wow I can't wait to go to sleep tonight."
This post is full of spoilers. And also memes.
"You can post any photo of Sonam Kapoor and say it's from her wedding."
"We should pregame food with more food!!"
"Met Gala is what grown ups call Fancy Dress."
"My nose has done more running this spring than I have."
"To be fair, your honour, mercury was in retrograde"
"Viggo Mortensen's appeal as Aragorn is 90% the way he opens doors."
I'm never drinking again. Oh, look! Alcohol!
You live and you learn!
So many Disney memes, so little time.
We might not have jobs, but at least we have a good sense of humor.
Pin now, laugh later.
"Price low to high" is a lifestyle.
"[alphabet naming committee] Okay what comes after O and P? Let's just do O and P again but give em dicks"
I guess I'll take "his driving makes your stomach upset" for $3 and "makes fun of you for believing in astrology" for $2...?
Respect the Ñ.
OMG Number 11. WTF?!
"Just overheard my toddler say “uh-oh” from the other room, which either means I need to retrieve a toy from behind the couch or we need to change our identities and move out of state again."
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. High.
"Hello, Police? I accidentally stepped on my cats foot and need to be arrested."
"My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realising I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store."
"I don't have a problem with straight people, I just don't wanna see it in public."
The best four years of your life?
"I have plenty groceries in this house, it would be lazy as hell to order dinner." *opens Grubhub*
I call it the SpongeBud SpliffPants Theorum.
Cross a kid at your own risk.
Crunchy leaves NOOO!!!