"I really hate texting, but I also hate phone calls. What I’m saying is don’t contact me."
"Once you pass 27, every day becomes a game of 'Am I sick or is this just how I am now?'”
"I’m single because I hate people, but I want to find one person who I don’t hate, who also hates people, but doesn’t hate me."
"Your circus name is your first name + your surname. That’s it. You’re a clown."
"Me: I’m sad I need a purpose. My brain: Did u say a purchase?"
"The millennial version of 2.5 kids and a picket fence is six houseplants and no roommate."
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye matey!"
"Imagine carrying a baby for 9 months just for it to have a fucking nut allergy...I’ll pass."
"I am, unfortunately, all panic and no disco."
"Don’t think of it as dating ladies think of it as creating a lifelong audience for your Instagram story."
"One time I fell in love with a guy then he texted me 'minus well' so I blocked him."
"What part of 'Do not spend money' do I not understand?"
"Please sign my petition to rename giving birth 'going number 3'.”
“I think all writers have this Platonic ideal of the book they’re going to write next, and then you realize that you’re hamstringed by your own obsessions.”
"Break up with your girlfriend she’s cheating on you every Thursday in the projection room above the auditorium with Shane Oman."
"Therapy is like someone gently walking through your brain and looking around like, 'This how you living??'"
"I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp.”
"Literally nobody: Me: You’re right I should take another nap."
To Live and Die in LA...and they be carried in a Prius hearse.
Tirarte 15 minutos adicionales todas las mañanas buscando uno de tus guantes.
¡Antes de que existiera Anatomía de Grey había arte!
Richtig gute schlechte Witze!
She basically has a doctorate in funny.
18 tuits que te harán llorar de la risa si tú también eres una persona de 82 años en un cuerpo joven
My lower back is killing me.
"If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die."
We're looking for those groan-tastic quips dads always seem to make!
From a dark alley: "Psst, man. Wanna score some REALLY dumb jokes?"
Follando en castellano: oh sí, sigue qué gusto. Follando en catalán: ah ah ah, tu sempre guanyes Doraemon.
Si no soy Martin Luther King, ¿por qué tengo este sueño?
"Ich werde auf alles kacken, was du liebst."
A student is acting up, and now you have to write a note.
Imagine if our savior’s name were "Jomar Christ."
They don't just...appear on the ground or something?!