"Farting boyfriend causes neighbors to call police."
"Do you have other tattoos that are, you know, like hidden?"
They're better than we are.
"I'll just sit here."
Who doesn't love a good book?
You: writing. Me, an intellectual: sitting in front of a computer and crying.
#BBQBecky is back at it again.
Sitting on the toilet with a baby on your lap? Check.
Pubes can be art if you let them.
"Don't cut my butthole in half!"
"Another day has passed and I haven't used Pythagoras theorem."
They are too pure.
"I’m looking for aesthetically-pleasing water retrieval devices for my yard. So far it’s going pretty well."
You shouldn't laugh at these, but you will.
Teaching the youth one quip at a time.
Dads are the best in so many ways.
If any of these fails happened to me, I'd just be lying on the floor and crying.
Thank god Tumblr is free.
"Diets are all fun and games until it’s time to eat."
"Is... is that your mom drinking wine in a Marshall's?!?!?"
Try not to spit out your water laughing.
Moms, we don't deserve them.
"Do you know how sexy it is when he teases you in bed with a bird leaf?"
"Not the emotional ones--that's for therapy. The physical scars!"
"I can kill you with my brain."
"We should pregame food with more food!!"
"I think I have diarrhea."
"Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to hell."
We owe A LOT to the '80s.
"My nose has done more running this spring than I have."
It's amazing how many signs are accidentally dirty. H/T r/funnysigns/
If you're looking for boring kids, you're going to need to look elsewhere.
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you might pee your pants.
Does anyone have any anti-itch ointment perchance?
"Uterus wants baby. Person doesn't have baby. Uterus wants revenge."
"Viggo Mortensen's appeal as Aragorn is 90% the way he opens doors."
"Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane lake, dry land is never the same again."
Fact: It's always summer in the Philippines.
Parenting ain't for the faint of heart.
The original petty queen.
Watch my mind (and this chic updo) unravel.
Make me LOL.
"Do you have the book, Madame Ovary?"
Now he's really bringing sexy back.
So many Disney memes, so little time.
"Who the fuck measures pizza in acres?"