Two guinea pigs were found dead in the Salisbury home of Sergei Skripal, along with a "distressed" cat, which has been put down.
Buckfast is "for kids", and pre-drinking is universal, apparently.
♫ "She was Fiat 500 Twitter, he was Dark Fruits Twitter, can I make it any more obvious?" ♫
"Me: hi. British person: hey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx."
"So work made me do this 3 times without me realising it was ‘anyone for a blow job’"
What the hell is a scoobywoofer?
You're not allowed to eat half the food in your kitchen because "it's for Christmas".
"He’s got his finger on the pulse of American voters."
Queen of British comedy.
These tweets were the only good things to happen this year. Enjoy!
These aren't acceptable, sorry.
Did you choose your time wisely?
Or will "Gritsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Anti-Slip Machiney" finally have its day?
Some of our tubes are driven by computers.
The bus driver turning off the engine.
If you miss Calpol and being allowed on the apparatus, this one's for you.
When you just want a simple coffee but everywhere has been gentrified to an inch of its life.
We're a strange nation.
"The positive impact on growth would be significant," the OECD said.
"Wonder when you stop using 'year above' to say someone's age."
Find someone who looks at you the way Bargain Hunt contestants look at a £4 profit. H/T @daytimesnaps.
Hot, buttered crumpets on Saturday afternoon.
"Got bigger bags under my eyes than a Year 7 with cooking and PE in the same day."
"Been absolutely shattered since about year 8."
It's so different, and yet occasionally kinda similar.
Shit's about to go down.
"Did you even go cinema if you didn't sit there through the adverts saying 'I wanna go see that' to every film and never actually go?"
"Find someone who looks at you the way Neil Buchanan looks at pipe cleaners."
Warning: this post will make you thirsty AF.
"Fuck you my Yorkshire accent shines like the light of a thousand suns, I hope you get sat on by a cow."
RIP Milkybar Choo.
It's a jungle out there.
Old Bake Off vs new Bake Off
"Find someone who looks at you the way Gregg Wallace looks at literally ANY dessert."
Let's put 1776 behind us and enjoy some funny tweets.
We're not just awkward, we're funny too! H/T British Memes Official
Life was kinda strange back then.
What is with Simon's bootcut jeans?
Funny tweets and Bake Off. It's all we've got left.
RIP Turkey Twizzlers.
"Someone told me Neil from Art Attack is Banksy and I believe it."
Twenty years ago, we lost the queen of hearts.
Using "you alright?" as a greeting.
Those were the days...
We have a highly sophisticated palate.
Did you know "flapjacks" in America are pancakes? I sure as hell didn't.
Can't we all just get along?