1. Her Exotic Four Syllable First Name That Starts and Ends with a Vowel.
2. Her One Syllable "S" Last Name.
Seriously, their names are Isabella Swan and Anastasia Steele. It's already basically a parody.
3. She's Clumsy.
Yes for Isabella. Yes for Anastasia.
4. He's Impossibly Gorgeous.
Yup, Edward. Yup, Christian.
5. He Has Semi-precious Metal Colored Hair
"Bronze" Edward. "Copper" Christian.
6. She's Brown-haired
7. She's Pale
Both milky in the skin department.
8. She Has a Guy Friend of a Different Ethnicity Who's Not So Secretly In Love with Her
9. That Guy Has a "J" Name
10. She's a Literature Buff
Of course. Like all relatable, insecure girls, books are their friends.
11. She Works In Unglamorous Retail
Sporting goods. Hardware.
12. He is irresistibly drawn to her.
Like to a wounded pair of puppies.
13. He Has a Desire to Hurt Her That He Struggles to Control
Wait, what!? But yes to both.
14. He Also Has an Obsessive Need to Protect Her
But he still wants to hurt her?...Yes and Yes.
15. He Has a Secret That She Needs to Keep
16. Set in Washington State.
It serves the story in Twilight, but there wasn't another state in the Union that E.L. James could have picked?
17. He's Incredibly Wealthy
It just makes the guys that want to hurt you easier to fall in love with, am I right materialistic ladies?
18. He Saves Her From an Accident
19. She Thinks She's Not Good Enough For Him...Ad Nauseum
Say it with me girls, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
20. He's a Total Control Freak
21. He and She Fall In Love Ridiculously Quickly
22. She's a Virgin
Both the ultimate in corruptible female innocence.
23. His Eyes Change Color
With hunger. With mood.
24. He's Adopted
Yes for both.
25. His Parents are Ultra Nurturing and Understanding
Both sets would have to be.
26. His Dad Has a Unique "C" Name.
27. Her Parents are Divorced.
OMG, the girls are so damaged and fragile.
28. She Has a Strong Father/Friend Figure
29. Her Dad Has Been Involved In Civil Service
30. Her Father Loves to Fish
They're loners and appreciate alone time.
31. The "J" Name-Unrequited-Love-Guy, His Dad and Hers are Friends
Billy. Jose Sr.
32. Her Mom is Sweet, but a Bit of a Flake
Our daughters will be just fine...
33. Her Mom is Happily Remarried to a Single Syllable
34. Her Mom Moves From a Southwestern State...
35. ...To a Southeastern Costal State.
36. He Has a Younger, Bubbly Sister with Short Dark Hair
37. He Has a Physical, Boisterous Brother
38. That Brother Has an "E" Name
Emmet. Elliot. (Actually "E," followed by a double consonant, ending with a "t.") I'm seriously not making this up.
39. He and She Break Up, Seemingly In Her Own Best Interest
Yes for both, because making her own decisions would be really hard.
40. She's Über Depressed After the Breakup
I'm depressed just thinking about how depressed they were.
41. He and She Get Back Together
Obviously. (See #4 and #17. [Remember you are at #41.])
42. Her Very First Time is Blissed-Out Mind-Blowing Sex
43. There is a Very Specific Affinity for a European Brand of Car
44. A Crazy Lady That He has Wronged Obsessively Tries to Harm Her
Victoria and Leila come after her, not him. WTH!?
45. She Gets Pregnant
Didn't your mother warn you? (See #32)
46. He's Unhappy That She's Pregnant and is Really a Tremendous Jerk About It
Right, because both these gals were alone when they got pregnant.
47. They Get Married
Okay, so this happened earlier in Twilight, but c'mon it was YA literature written by a religious gal. The point is, it happens in both.
48. He and She Get Their Own House
49. A Meadow
Two freakin' meadows. Apparently canoodling in a flowery meadow is a thing. I honestly couldn't even tell you where to find a bonafide meadow, let alone ever canoodled in one. But these two couples did.
50. They Live Happily Ever After
Of course. Because everything is perfectly normal now and will be forever. None of them have any emotional damage that will rear it's ugly head ever again...
51. BONUS: I read every page of all of these books and will or have seen all the movies.
Yes I did. Yes I will.
Who can resist gorgeous, rich, and dangerous?