I know you didn’t commit the crime, but life’s unfair. Things don’t always work out the way we plan them. I’d start working on a cover story soon, if I were you. You’re going to need to make a pretty solid case to avoid being sent to prison.
Someone’s shown one of your selfies to Craig David.
And guess what? He’s interested. He’ll call you later today, but unfortunately he doesn’t have your mobile number, so he’ll call your mum’s landline. Let’s hope she passes on the message: He’s got a pretty exciting first date planned.
You’re going to get back together with your first ever partner.
You know the one; you guys snogged behind the bike shed on the school playground. You guys will be really happy together, but one thing’s going to bother you: His feet haven’t grown since he was a child. They look really weird.
Unfortunately you’re going to get the timings slightly wrong, so the pasta will be slightly too al dente, but your guests will eat it anyway. Pick up a bottle of red on your way home; you’ll thank yourself later.
You’ve got a secret twin, and you’ll meet them later.
They won’t be hard to spot, because you guys look identical. Upon meeting, your first conversation will be about false eyelashes. You think they’re tacky. Your twin loves them. But it’s OK, you don’t have to share every interest.
Don’t worry, though, it’ll be one of the single ones. It does mean you’re going to have some pretty big decisions to make, though. Can you really handle the fame that’ll come with marrying into royalty? Think long and hard about this one.
I mean, think about it. You’ve never enjoyed doing chores, have you? You don’t like ironing. You don’t like tidying. You really hate preparing food. Get a butler; they’ll do all your odd jobs for you. You know it’s the right thing to do.
You know the one. You were 13 when you took it. You suspected you’d been robbed of an A back then. Your teacher had a personal vendetta against you. Phone your old school. It’s high time justice is served.
But don’t be alarmed. By some incredible twist of fate, your shoelace will get caught around a branch and your life will be saved. You’ll even make the local news! Make sure you’re wearing something nice!
Mirrors and photographs have been lying to you for your whole life.
You don’t look how you think you look. Think about it, have you ever seen your actual self? No. You have not. Now you know the truth, all you have to do is work out how the rest of the world sees you. Good luck!
Book yourself a hair appointment pronto, it’s time to change your look. Why not go radical? Shave half of it off. Dye one half green. Whatever you decide, it’ll be an improvement on whatever it is you’re rocking right now.