66 Unspoken Rules All Housemates Must Follow
1. No throwing up (without cleaning it up). 2. Lots of pizza.
1. You must keep a bag of emergency hash browns in the freezer at all times.
2. You are allowed to resort to the emergency bag once a week.
3. Twice, if it's a really bad week.
4. As a housemate, it is your duty to analyse texts, rehearse tricky conversations, and hand out compliments where necessary.
5. It is also your duty to prevent drunk texts being sent.
6. If you go away for longer than a day, you must send your housemate a postcard.
7. The tackier, the better.
8. If a problem arises, you must talk to your housemate like a grown-up. Passive-aggressive Post-It notes are for losers.
9. Their stuff is your stuff and your stuff is their stuff.
10. But you must ask before you borrow.
11. Or at least be sneaky enough not to get caught.
12. Some problems are best solved by cuddling.
13. Others by heavy drinking.
14. And then there are those that can only be solved by a monstrously large Vietnamese takeaway.
15. But whatever your housemate's problem, you must endeavour to solve it. Housemates solve problems.
16. You must go through at least three silly fads a year.
17. One of them will probably be juicing.
18. The next will probably be running.
19. And the last will be something to do with skincare.
20. None of them will last, but you must learn to laugh at your former selves.
21. If your housemate's parents come into town, you must help them tidy up.
22. You can expect a free meal as a reward.
23. Sometimes you will get too drunk getting ready and you won't be able to go out.
24. That's OK.
25. Sometimes you will watch TV for 12 hours straight.
26. That's OK too.
27. Sometimes you will say something really mean to your housemate because they happen to be there when you're in a bad mood.
28. That's not OK. You must say sorry.
29. If you get a house mouse, you must be brave and deal with it together.
30. But you should deal with it humanely. You can just get those plug-in mouse repellants.
31. They (sort of) work.
32. If your housemate gets ill, you must stock up on Lemsip and Strepsils.
33. Especially the pink ones, because they're the yummiest.
34. If your housemate takes a pair of tights out of the laundry bin before they've been washed, you must not tell anyone. Housemates don't snitch.
35. You'll make your lives easier if you set up a joint account for rent, bills, and pizza.
36. Especially pizza.
37. If your housemate brings someone back late at night, you must act cool.
38. Until they leave.
39. Then you can debrief on the night's happenings to your heart's content.
40. Fridge mould must be dealt with as soon as it's spotted. No one likes a mouldy fridge.
41. If some fridge mould leaks on to your housemates's food, you must clean it.
42. Housemates shouldn't be prissy about who owns what in the fridge. There are bigger problems in life.
43. If you throw a house party, you must try not to fall asleep before the last guest arrives.
44. And if you do fall asleep, your housemate is allowed to upload photographic evidence to the internet.
45. You should buy flowers as often as you can.
46. Even if they're only £1 daffodils.
47. It is perfectly acceptable to display your smart books and hide your silly books.
48. Same goes for DVDs.
49. You must never judge how much your housemate eats.
50. Or sleeps.
51. Or how long they go without showering. There are enough judgmental people in this world without housemates joining in.
52. If your housemate gets home drunk, you must make sure they get to bed OK.
53. You must also put their phone on charge. Uncharged phones make hangovers 10 times worse.
54. If you are ever sick in the house, you must clean it up as soon as possible.
55. Even housemates don't need to see each other's sick.
56. At some point, you will have to apply fake tan/after sun/moisturiser to your housemate's body. You must do so without grumbling.
57. You must be casual when you accidentally see your housemate naked.
58. Same goes for hearing them have sex.
59. Throwing dinner parties will always feel grown up.
60. You must all do your equal share of cleaning.
61. If your housemate cancels on a friend in favour of binge-watching Netflix, you must back up her story.
62. If your heating stops working in the winter, you must sit as close to each other as possible most of the time.
63. If your housemate loses their key/laptop/all of their belongings, you must help them relocate them.
64. Particularly if they're in a rush.
65. You must verbally admire your housemate's house-based achievements, such as demoulding a bathroom, or building a Billy bookshelf, or cleaning an oven.
66. And you must never tell your housemate's secrets to anyone. No secret leaves your house.