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    99 Thoughts Everyone Has When They Swim One Mile

    "I have been staring at this man's bum for 20 minutes now."

    1. What a gorgeous day for a swim!

    2. Jfc, it's cold.

    3. One mile in a 50-metre pool is 32 lengths, which is just 16 back-and-forths, which is only a little bit more than 10, and that's really not very far.

    4. My body kinda hurts already though.

    5. And I've only done two lengths.

    6. OK, front crawl is not a sustainable stroke.

    7. If I keep doing front crawl, my legs will fall off, I will have nothing to kick with, and then I will drown.

    8. I must not drown.

    9. Isn't it weird that swimmers literally put themselves into a situation where they have to keep exercising to stay alive?

    10. For fun.

    11. There are no other sports like that.

    12. Running would be, if you were being chased by a murderer.

    13. But then you'd have to employ a murderer to run behind you.

    14. Damn, I've lost count.

    15. Have I done three lengths or four?

    16. Hang on, I can work this out. I started from the shallow end on one, which is an odd number, and I'm now swimming towards the shallow end, so I must be on an even number.

    17. I must be on four.

    18. I should be timing myself.

    19. I wonder how long swimming a mile takes.

    20. Probably like half an hour.

    21. 5 – 5 – 5 – 5.

    22. 5 – 5 – staying alive.

    23. That's a funny rhyme.

    24. It would be weird if someone knew I wrote that lil' rhyme just now.

    25. OK, this is a good system. I swim to the deep end doing front crawl, and back to the shallow end swimming breaststroke.

    26. That way, I can get my breath back every other stroke.

    27. Except my face is under water, so I can't really.

    28. I need to overtake this guy.

    29. Why is he speeding up?

    30. I can't just slip back in behind him now I've started overtaking him, can I?

    31. Well, that's the fastest I've ever swum – thank god I can do breaststroke back.

    32. Oh Christ, he's overtaking me.

    33. This is embarrassing.

    34. Oh god, I stroked his leg. He probably thinks I'm coming on to him.

    35. Now I'm staring at his bum.

    36. I've done 11. Legs 11, like in bingo. Except with two kicking legs that are getting more and more toned the more I swim.

    37. I wonder if my arms will get too muscly though?

    38. I don't want to look like a bodybuilder.

    39. Hang on, people work hard to become bodybuilders. You can't accidentally become one. I'm probably safe.

    40. Maybe I should venture into the fast lane?

    41. No way, I'm scared of the fast lane.

    42. There's a woman in a wetsuit in it.

    43. I'm not serious enough to own a wetsuit.

    44. How do people dry wetsuits? I feel like they must always smell.

    45. Hey, I'm at 16. I'm halfway through.

    46. Tbh, I could just stop now.

    47. "I swam half a mile this morning" still sounds impressive.

    48. I'd be lying to myself though.

    49. And that's the worst person you can lie to.

    50. At least I'm not in the slow lane.

    51. Is that woman walking? In a pool? She probably has an injury, I shouldn't judge.

    52. It looks fun. I wanna walk.

    53. Whoa, the lady who just overtook me has a float between her legs.

    54. Which means that just her arms are faster than my arms and legs put together.

    55. That's crazy.

    56. Ahhhh, I'm wearing contact lenses.

    57. It's probably fine, hardly any water gets inside goggles; that's literally their purpose.

    58. Except they are leaking, and it stings.

    59. I wonder if I should attempt one of those somersault-and-kick-off-the-side moves when I get to the end of this length?

    60. I'd hit someone in the face, wouldn't I?

    61. Also, it's nice to have a little breather at the end of a length.

    62. 20 lengths! I'm basically done.

    63. For every 20, I will think of a person I know who is that age for the whole length.

    64. My sister is 21. I must call her later.

    65. OK, I don't know any 22-year-olds.

    66. There's that Taylor Swift song though.

    67. I don't know any 23-year-olds either. This is the worst method.

    68. I AM 24! THIS IS MY LENGTH!

    69. What's the time?

    70. Jesus, it's been half an hour. Miles take ages.

    71. I wonder how many miles the Channel is.

    72. If I swam the Channel I would look like a prune.

    73. Twenty-six! My boyfriend is 26!

    74. Wait, stop. Leave my head, random age method. You're rubbish.

    75. I need to buy a new swimming costume.

    76. Every time I push off the side, I show the entire pool my boobs.

    77. Everyone will probably talk about it once I get out.

    78. "I love swimming here, but I wish that girl didn't insist on showing us her boobs every two minutes."

    79. Hang on, that would be crazy. These people have better things to think about than my boobs.

    80. Do I still have my locker key?

    81. It'd be good if you could listen to music as you swim.

    82. Or if I had one of those length-counter watches.

    83. But they're like, a million pounds.

    84. And if I wore one, everyone would think I was a very serious swimmer, which would mean I'd have to go fast all the time.

    85. I wonder if swimming is bad for your hair.

    86. I'll deep-condition it when I get home.

    87. It'd be bad if scarecrow hair was the price I had to pay for a banging bod.

    88. Ow! Why would you do backstroke in a busy pool?

    89. Thirty! I am so close!

    90. I only have two more lengths, which is basically just one there and back, which is nothing.

    91. I'll try to do front crawl for both.

    92. And I'll try to breathe every third stroke.

    93. OMG I AM DYING, I must breathe every second.

    94. One length left.

    95. I'm gonna do breaststroke.

    96. I've swum a mile.

    97. I deserve it.

    98. I bet I could swim two miles.

    99. I must eat a very large meal.