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If "The O.C." Were Set In Britain

"Welcome to Islington, bitch."

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1. The Cohens would live in a fancy townhouse in Islington.

2. Sandy would meet Ryan in Swansea, where the Public Defender Service is based.

3. Ryan would be in trouble with the police for trying to get into Revs using a fake ID.

4. Sandy would take pity on him, and buy him a First Great Western train ticket to Paddington.

5. They'd share a packet of Walkers prawn cocktail crisps from the food cart on the journey.

6. When they finally got to the Cohens' house, Kirsten would offer Ryan a bed in their recently converted loft.

7. The bed sheets would be from the White Company.

8. So would the candles.

9. Kirsten would work, under her dad, as a senior estate agent at Foxtons.

10. She'd wear an LK Bennett twin set with sensible nude heels.

11. And at weekends she'd dress down in a Joules polo shirts and pair of mum jeans.

12. Seth would straighten his big side fringe and wear a studded belt.

13. But he'd categorically deny that he's going through an emo phase.

14. Ryan would struggle to make tank tops his thing, because he'd have to wear a uniform to school.

15. He'd show his rebellious side by poking thumb holes in the sleeves of his jumpers instead.

16. Rather than being captain of the water polo team, Luke would be captain of the rugby team.

17. He'd actually be so good at rugby that he'd represent his school at county level.

18. "Welcome to Islington, bitch," is how he'd greet Ryan.

19. But because he's so well-mannered, it would come across quite sincerely.

20. Ryan would feel very welcome, even though his thick Welsh accent would kind of set him apart from everyone else.

21. Marissa and Ryan would first hang out in detention.

22. Marissa would be in trouble for rolling up her skirt too high.

23. Ryan would be in trouble for drawing a dick on Seth's AQA poetry anthology.

24. Ryan would show Marissa he liked her by etching her initials in a heart into one of the school desks, using a compass.

25. Instead of going to Tijuana, everyone would head to Southend-on-Sea for half term.

26. Seth, Summer, Marissa, and Ryan would book a room in a Holiday Inn.

27. They'd get a Greater Anglia train from Liverpool Street.

28. When they got there, Ryan would buy Marissa a packet of Quavers from the vending machine.

29. Then he'd make her a nice cup of tea using one of those mini kettles they put in your room.

30. Marissa would tell Ryan she prefers Space Raiders and doesn't actually take milk, thank you very much.

31. Instead of going clubbing, everyone would just head to the pub.

32. This is where Marissa would catch Luke cheating on her with Holly.

33. She'd throw her blue WKD over him.

34. Instead of overdosing on painkillers, she'd just head to their closest Nisa and stock up on Lambrini and Caribbean Twist.

35. And instead of showing he cared by searching the streets of Mexico to find her, Ryan would just find her back in the hotel room, where he'd wash the sick out of her hair.

36. Everyone would feel a bit sheepish on the train back home.

37. On Monday morning at school, Summer would arrive with her P.E. kit in a Jane Norman carrier.

38. Having written her homework in a grape gel pen.

39. She'd act like a bitch, but Seth would know she had a caring side because she'd wear loads of charity wristbands.

40. Marissa and Ryan's first kiss wouldn't be on a ferris wheel. It would be on an awkward teenage date at the cinema.

41. They'd be watching something neutral like The Mr Bean Movie.

42. Ryan would have bought Percy Pigs from home because who can afford cinema sweets?

43. They'd share a plate of chips at Frankie & Benny's afterwards.

44. And then their parents would pick them up.

45. Except they're next door neighbours, so they'd actually share a lift home.

46. Seth and Summer's first kiss would be on D of E.

47. Summer would be annoyed that she couldn't straighten her hair, but Seth would tell her she looks beautiful even when her hair's frizzy.

48. They'd exchange shag bands.

49. Meanwhile, Marissa would be getting fake drunk off the Strongbow she snuck into her camel sack.

50. Ryan and Marissa's first fight would be because Marissa put Oliver in her Myspace Top 8.

51. She'd apologise over MSN, and set her Away Status to something like "(♥‿♥)(♥‿♥)(♥‿♥) ryαɴ + мαrιѕѕα 4evα (♥‿♥)(♥‿♥)(♥‿♥)".

52. Luke wouldn't dare try it on with Marissa's mum. Instead he'd flirt with one of the school dinner ladies.

53. As a result, he'd get served a few extra turkey twizzlers on a Friday.

54. Jimmy would still be a crap dad and lose all his money.

55. Everyone would find out because he'd never offer to buy a round in the pub.

56. Instead of being obsessed with The Valley, Summer would get into The Valleys.

57. But since it's set in Wales, Cerys, one of Ryan's exes would be on it.

58. Marissa and Cerys would become toilet best friends on a night out.

59. But their friendship wouldn't last.

60. Kirsten and Julie would have regular weekend brunches on Upper Street.

61. They'd both get avocado on toast.

62. Eventually, Sandy would sell out and take a job at Clifford Chance.

63. His commute to Canary Wharf would be hellish.

64. But the lunchtime queues at Wasabi would be worse.

65. Instead of eating bagels for breakfast, he'd just grab a bowl of Cheerios.

66. Chrismukkah would be a day longer, because we get Boxing Day.

67. Seth would ask Santa for Sims Hot Date.

68. Sandy would be in charge of the turkey, and he'd put Kirsten in charge of the cranberry sauce.

69. But somehow she'd mess that up.

70. Sandy would cook a Full English for the family every Sunday morning.

71. And Ryan would talk about the time his family would have Penclawdd cockles and laverbread with their weekend fry ups in Swansea.

72. The day Sandy learned to make laverbreak would be ~poignant~ for Ryan.

73. Instead of getting a part-time job at the Crab Shack, Ryan would become a Nando's waiter.

74. This is where the gang would hang out at the weekends.

75. Summer would get peri-peri chips with her chicken, and Seth would get spicy rice.

76. They'd split both evenly.

77. Seth would work at Borders.

78. He'd run into Anna in the comic section.

79. After taking their GCSEs, the gang would go to Reading Festival.

80. Luke would be the guy who got his head stuck in the loo.

81. Instead of going through a drugs phase, Seth would get in trouble for getting one of those star tattoos on his ankle.

82. Marissa being expelled from school would be NBD because everyone ends up going to different sixth form colleges anyway.

83. She'd get to know Johnny by doing publicity for Battle of the Bands.

84. She'd get her belly button pierced in an effort to impress him, and Julie would get really mad.

85. In her absence, Taylor Townsend would become head girl.

86. And Managing Director of her Young Enterprise team.

87. Taylor would get 8 A*s and 1 A in her GCSEs, but still cry because she thought she could have done better.

88. After a wild weekend in Brighton, Marissa would get alcohol poisoning, and end up in hospital.

89. But she'd be treated on the NHS so everything would be fine and she would NEVER die.

Correction: In a previous version of this post, the gang forgot to reserve seats on their train to Southend-on-Sea. I've since learned that seats on the Liverpool Street - Southend Victoria line are unassigned. My bad.


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