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If "Gossip Girl" Were Set In A British School

"Come sit with us... at the back of the bus."

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1. The van der Woodsens, Waldorfs, Basses, and Archibalds would live in those massive mansions around Sloane Square.

2. The Humphreys would live in a trendy loft conversion in Stoke Newington.

3. Chuck would get an Uber Exec to school. But everyone else would just get the school bus.

4. Blair and her minions would always sit on the back row.

5. Jenny's transition from nobody to ~cool girl~ would involve her moving further back down the bus.

6. And also making her Roxy rucksack straps a little longer.

7. Jenny would show her edgy style by wearing those knitted UGGs instead of the standard ones everyone else had.

8. She'd still wear Jack Wills hoodies though.

9. Serena would backcomb her hair.

10. But Blair would straighten hers.

11. Chuck and Nate would first become friends when Chuck pulled down Nate's trousers in the playground and then etched a dick into his desk with a compass.

12. Serena and Blair would become friends on the lacrosse team.

13. Nate would always set off the gas taps in Chemistry.

14. Even when it stopped being funny.

15. Blair would always use that rainbow font with a shadow behind it for her WordArt headers.

16. Serena would use the blue wavy one.

17. Dan would be furious that he never made the rugby team.

18. He'd have to join CCF instead.

19. Lily would be the kind of parent who flirted with the teachers at parents' evening.

20. Tbf, so would Rufus.

21. They'd co-organise the annual PTA ball.

22. Even though Chuck was always really naughty, he'd never be expelled him because his dad would be one of the school governors.

23. He'd get put on report a lot, though.

24. And he'd always get detention.

25. That's where he'd meet Vanessa, who'd be on a scholarship.

26. She'd be in detention for student activism gone too far.

27. AKA: Trying to set the school hamster free.

28. Serena would be in detention too.

29. For rolling up her skirt too high.

30. And for pairing the wrong socks with her summer uniform.

31. Blair's 16th would be in a gazebo in her parent's garden.

32. The invites would be written in marble gel pen.

33. She'd pass them out during Latin.

34. Instead of the Debutante Ball, the event of the year would be the Teen Tatler Bystander Ball.

35. The girls would stand on one side of the room.

36. The boys would stand on the other.

37. Everyone would drink J2Os and get a bit hyper off rainbow sherbet.

38. Georgina Sparks would join the school in year 9, once friendship groups were already established.

39. She and Serena would sit on opposite sides of the cafeteria at lunch time.

40. Georgina would tell ~everyone~ that Serena got to third base when she was at boarding school, even though she actually only got to second.

41. Blair would be furious that she wasn't the first to know.

42. Georgina and Serena would be in charge of rival Young Enterprise companies.

43. They'd both make it to the regional semi-finals, but they wouldn't get further.

44. Blair would get hilariously prissy on DofE.

45. And even though he'd boast about having been camping a million times before, Dan would be rubbish at navigation.

46. Serena would sneak along a few Bacardi Breezers.

47. But Vanessa would snitch.

48. Chuck and Blair would first get together on the annual ski trip to the Alps.

49. They'd snog on the coach.

50. He'd touch her boobs outside clothes and everyone would gossip about it for weeks.

51. She'd stick his picture in her locker when they got back.

52. The group would hire a limo to take them to their leaving ball.

53. Dorota would take photos of everyone on Blair's lawn before they left.

54. They'd drink Asti en route.

55. Blair would set her sights on marrying Prince William.

56. That's why, instead of being obsessed with getting into Yale, she'd be obsessed with getting into St Andrew's.

57. But she wouldn't get in because she'd only get a B in Critical Thinking.


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