A Ranking Of 13 Important "Sex And The City" Men

    Sorry, Big fans. You're not going to like this.

    by Tabatha Leggett, Ailbhe Malone, Rossalyn Warren

    Hello! We (Tabatha, Ailbhe, and Roz) have seen every episode of Sex And The City approximately 1,000 times.

    Recently, we got to thinking... what would happen if we tried to rank the show's men?

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    Ailbhe: So which of the women would you marry? I think probably Charlotte for me.

    Roz: Yes, Charlotte. Except she can be a pain in the arse.

    Tabatha: IDK, I reckon Miranda would make a good wife.

    Ailbhe: URGH. MIRANDA? NEVER. YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE MINDING BRADY.

    Tabatha: But she'd look after your mum if she became senile in her old age.

    Roz: Aw, that is true.

    13. Richard Wright

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    Ailbhe: Richard is like a bachelor uncle who goes to "gentlemen’s clubs" and has dinner there.

    Tabatha: Richard gives me the creeps.

    Ailbhe: For a while I didn’t mind him because Samantha knew what was up. But when he started messing her around, I was like: No. She is better than this.

    Tabatha: Remember when he gets a private jet to Atlantic City with Samantha and Charlotte and he basically has sex with Samantha there and then. So rude.

    Ailbhe: And Charlotte was feeling old as well! It was her birthday!

    Roz: He did bring out one of the best moments in the show though. When Samantha sticks up flyers saying “This man is a cheater” and the police officer is all, “Excuse me, ma'am, you can’t do that." And she says, “This man ate another woman’s pussy out.” “Oh, go ahead ma'am.”

    Ailbhe: And she throws a martini in his face. Very satisfying.

    Roz: Such a badass moment.

    12. Trey MacDougal

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    Ailbhe: URGGHHHHHHHHHH

    Tabatha: God, he's awful. This actor plays the exact same character in Desperate Housewives too: Orson.

    Roz: Ewwwww. The worst. And his MOTHER is just the worst, too. What was her name? Bunny?

    Ailbhe: Bunny Mc Dougal was a terrible person.

    Tabatha: Sorry but I disagree. Bunny MacDougal is the woman I aspire to be.

    Roz: She was awwffffulllll!!

    Tabatha: She was SO POWERFUL though.

    Ailbhe: That’s only because she OWNED SO MUCH PROPERTY. She was literally powerful.

    Tabatha: But she was also INCREDIBLY glam. Her hair was always so elegantly pinned back.

    Roz: Back to Trey. I hated how Charlotte was so feeble around him.

    Tabatha: OMG sorry to be gross, but remember when he couldn’t get an erection and she just found him wanking over the bathroom sink.

    Ailbhe: And then she stuck her face on the magazine! I was like: Charlotte that is not the solution.

    Roz: You do not tackle erectile problems by sticking your face on dirty magazines. That is not how it works.

    11. Mr. Big

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    Tabatha: OK I have a lot of questions about this man. 1. Why does he spend all day in a car? 2. How much does his driver get paid? 3. What is his actual job? 4. Why does he never make a penis joke about the fact that his girlfriend literally calls him “Mr Big”?

    Roz: What is his job?!

    Ailbhe: “Finance”? More importantly, though: Why does he speak like an old timey gangster? "Hey, kid!” NOPE NOPE NOPE.

    Roz: Is his job just to drive around in that car?

    Ailbhe: Does he live in the car?

    Tabatha: It must smell very stuffy.

    Ailbhe: Also is the fact that we keep focusing on the status symbols a part of the consumerist culture SATC reflected?! MAKES U THINK.

    10. Aleksandr Petrovsky

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    Roz: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOOOOOOOOOOO CRAAAAPPPPPPPP.

    Tabatha: This guy is such a dick.

    Roz: He's horrible, and then he hits Carrie in the last episode! It’s like: No, mate. You can fuck right off.

    Tabatha: And that scene where they go to McDonald's and dance. Just sit down and eat your burger.

    Ailbhe: And there's the time when Carrie turns up at his flat with the girls and he's horrible to her.

    Tabatha: BUT, his flat is verrrrrry nice.

    Roz: He wins nice-flat-points. That's about it

    9. Jack Berger

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    Roz: Berger was just the worst. Whiney, self-obsessed, woe is me – he was perfect for Carrie.

    Tabatha: And then he broke up with her by Post-It.

    Roz: Didn’t the writer write that into the script because it happened to her IRL?

    Ailbhe: I hate that I fancy him. He's everyone that ever did English Lit. But also, can you imagine dating Carrie? I would also find it hard to deal with her Vogue word rate.

    Roz: Oh the book! When she talks about the SCRUNCHIE. OMG, what a weird episode.

    Tabatha: And she says it like "sssssccccchhhhhhrrrrruuuunnnncccchiiiiieeeee."

    Ailbhe: But there was that bit when he turned up at that wedding in the Hamptons on his motorbike in this perfectly crumpled suit and wow.

    Tabatha: Hang on, his last name is Berger. That’s very funny.

    8. Skipper Johnston

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    Ailbhe: LOOK AT HIM. HE IS A DWEEBY STEVE.

    Roz: Skipper was so wet and boring and just blaaaaaaaah. But didn’t he have really great sex with Miranda? Or am i just thinking he did just because I feel sorry for him?

    Ailbhe: I mean, give Skipper that win if you want.

    Tabatha: Remember when he described himself as “a romantic”. That’s not a thing you can say about yourself, is it?

    Ailbhe: Certainly not to Miranda. Can you imagine her face? Like D-(

    7. Aidan Shaw

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    Ailbhe: The first time round, Aidan round is sweet but a drip. The second time, he's cynical but buff.

    Roz: Carrie breaking his heart is the worst thing ever.

    Tabatha: I find Aidan and Carrie a very creepy couple because they’re such different sizes. His hand is the size of her entire torso.

    Ailbhe: I like everything that Aidan has to offer (tables, dogs, etc) but as a person he is just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    Tabatha: It was weird that he didn't get more angry when Carrie lost his dog. Imagine if you owned that dog and then Carrie lost it. I’d be furious.

    Roz: Oh, I’d lose my shit. Even then, Carrie managed to make the dog running away some sort of emotional turning point for herself. It’s like, no: You lost a fucking dog, sort it out.

    Ailbhe: I think the fact that we are all focusing on Pete the dog means Aidan does not rank highly.

    Tabatha: Pete is a zzzzzzzzz dog name.

    6. Ray King

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    Roz: For some reason, I can't remember this character saying anything. I just remember him leering at Carrie, then they have sex, and that was about it? Silent jazz man who slept with Carrie.

    Ailbhe: JAZZZZZZZZZZ! HE LOVED JAZZZZZZZZ.

    Tabatha: I remember this man very clearly because he played Carrie as though she were an instrument, which is a strange thing for a boyfriend to do. And didn't he wear a very distinctive hat?

    Ailbhe: He did indeed wear a hat.

    Roz: I wasn’t keen on the hat tbh.

    5. Bill Kelley

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    Tabatha: The pee man!

    Roz: Right, so I know he was the pee man, but I actually fancy him more than any of the others. I also hate to also keep bringing up their other roles too, but Man Men, come on!

    Tabatha: He also plays a political candidate on Desperate Housewives. But he doesn’t pee on Gabby.

    Ailbhe: Thinking back on it, I’m surprised Carrie’s bath was big enough. Her flat was tiny, and I always assumed she just keep more shoes in the bath.

    4. Dr Robert Leeds

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    Tabatha: This was the hot sports doctor.

    Roz: He's handsome, and had a great job, but he made that dumb "I love you" cookie. Terrible idea. Who gives the woman they're seeing a cookie with “I love you” on it after a couple of weeks?

    Ailbhe: Did he ever meet her friends? I don’t think he did. That’s weird, to give someone an "I love you" cookie without meeting their friends first.

    Tabatha: And he gets weirdly bitter about their break up. He won’t let Miranda use the lift in case he runs into her. I mean, come on.

    Roz: Also there was the time he *checked out* the NBA girls with Miranda right next to him. It's like, duuuude: They are so young and you’re a grown man.

    Ailbhe: I like how handy he is though. He fixed the telly.

    3. Smith Jerrod

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    Ailbhe: Smith was so lovely.

    Tabatha: Yes, he was basically the dream man: stupidly good looking, ridiculously successful, good in bed... and then he shaved his hair off when Samantha lost hers <3<3<3.

    Roz: And he was the first person who really made her happy.

    Tabatha: That scene where Samantha goes upstairs with Richard, and Smith just waits for her in the hotel lobby: I cry whenever I think about that.

    Roz: That scene is such a turning point for them as a couple.

    Ailbhe: But, but, but: can you imagine saying his name to your parents? Or your work friends? And Samantha changed his name because his real one was worse. JERRY JERROD.

    Roz: Hahaha, yes! And he's on the Absolut Vodka adverts in the first few episodes!

    Ailbhe: "Hello, here is my boyfriend. He is on a billboard and his name is JERRY JERROD. NO, HE’S LOVELY. I SWEAR, HE'S VERY SUPPORTIVE."

    2. Steve Brady

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    Ailbhe: I find it hard to like Steve because his clothes are so gross. But maybe at the time they were cool?

    Tabatha: Bad clothes aside, Steve is my absolute favourite. He’s SO cute. It’s weird because he’s verrrrrry drippy, which I don't normally find attractive, but wahhhhhh he loves Miranda so much.

    Roz: Remember when he dates that "super hot" young woman because Miranda is with Robert? Even then he still loves Miranda.

    Tabatha: I find Steve and Aidan's friendship very odd. Like, what did they do when they hung out? I think the vibe of their evenings together must be like that Friends scene where Ross and Mike have to talk.

    Roz: WTF was that weird Aidan and Steve friendship about? I think the writers just got lazy and lumped them together.

    Ailbhe: I like how chill he is though. Chill with ambition. Just how I like ‘em.

    1. Harry Goldenblatt

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    Roz: I LOVE HARRY. One of the top guys in the show.
    Ailbhe:     I love Harry too. Except I cannot forgive him when he gets food on his face. I feel a bit sick thinking of all the schmutz on his face.

    Tabatha: He lovely but he's too gross. He leaves used tea bags around the flat. Who does that?!

    Ailbhe: He is a bit gross, isn’t he? But that’s good for Charlotte. She needed someone who wouldn’t be too precious.

    Roz: Harry is also bbbyyyy farrrrrr the most emotionally stable man on the entire show. Not just emotionally stable, but just like, a good person.

    Tabatha: What about when he shaved his back and came out in a rash, though? Bleurgh.

    Roz: I love him. And Charlotte chooses to convert to Judaism for him!

    Ailbhe: Because of that plot line I spent quite some time googling Episcopalian, as I had never heard of it.

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    Tabatha: So if you had to marry one of them who would you marry? I pick Steve.

    Roz: Harry or Bill. I don’t fancy Harry, but he’s a gem.

    Ailbhe: I guess Harry but I couldn’t live with him. Do I have to live with my SATC husband?

    Tabatha: You would have to live with Harry, yes. He’d need the constant reassurance that you love him.

    Roz: Actually, Aidan is the best because he has the dog.

    Ailbhe: OK, I will take Aidan and Pete.

    Tabatha: Sometimes, can Steve and I come walk Pete? Steve would carry doggy snacks in his pockets.

    Ailbhe: It would be awkward. You and Steve can walk Pete but Aidan and I will be out.

    Roz: We all agree none of us would pick Big?

    Tabatha: Absolutely not.

    Ailbhe: 100% not.

    For a comprehensive ranking of all the SATC men, click here.

    Aidan's dog is called Pete. Samantha and Charlotte took a private jet to Atlantic City. An earlier version of this article said that Aidan's dog was called Buster, and that the girls went to Vegas.