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Ann Coulter Just Made A Hillarious Article About Soccer Being Threath To The American Identity

Long story short: she believes growing interest in soccer is a sign of moral decay of the Americans.

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Ann Coulter, a conservative social and political commentator and a syndicated columnist, is known for her controversial views. Some say she makes her points and probably sometimes she does but it is definitely not the case here.

In her recent article in The Clarion-Ledger (Jackson, Missisipi-based newspaper) she tries to persuade us that any growing interest in soccer a sign of nation's moral decay.

Let's read her arguments and answer to them through pictures.

1. Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer.

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In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they're standing alone at the plate. But there's also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised. There's a reason perpetually alarmed women are called "soccer moms," not "football moms."

LOL, have you ever heard of penalty kick?

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That's when we're supposed to go wild. I'm already asleep.

That's kinda funny you argue that because just a few paragraphs below you mentioned David Beckham - one of the greatest MVPs of soccer. Plus, learn what formation is in football. Hint: there are goalkeepers, defenders, mildfielders and strikers.

2. Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys.

No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

Maybe liberal mums get it wrong. In Europe no one finds soccer to be co-ed. There is a women's league but, my apologies to all women, barely anyone watches it.

By the way, tennis is co-ed. Isn't tennis a serious sport?

3. No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.

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This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: "2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0." Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: "1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0." If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored.

Soccer isn't about scores only. It's about the game. About those incredible things soccer players do on the field. About those unbelievable goalkeeper's saves.

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Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it's a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.

That's probably because in football, by which I mean that funny ball handball, there are no amazing goalkeepers.

4. The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport.

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Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don't worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game.

Warning, graphic content included:

Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

Besides, who said after a sports game every player should be hospitalized? Civilized people don't hurt other people, even if the former are from Minneapolis and the latter from St Paul (or Barcelona & Madrid).

5. You can't use your hands in soccer.

(Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!

Eeee, have you ever heard of a goalkeeper?

6. I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.

The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating.

I note that we don't have to be endlessly told how exciting football is.

If you type "is american football exciting" into Google and press enter you'll have 23.9 million results, the first being headlined "10 Reasons Why American Football Is The Best Sport In The World".

By the way, I dislike all things Ann Coulter mentions ("Girls" are boring, Beyonce is overrated and Hillary Clinton is completely blank to me) but I llike Shakira who loves Piqué, one of the best soccer players, and they have a baby.

7. It's foreign.

In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

Sorry to ruin your life, Ann, but football is as foreign as soccer. They both have their roots in ballgames similar to soccer and invented in Great Britain. By the way, it's kinda funny to call some game "foreign" by a person who herself is foreign (or whose ancestors were foreign) to America.

8. Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European.

Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he'll say something like "70 degrees." Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he'll say it's about 200 miles.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

LOL. Metric system makes way more sense because it's based on nature, contrary to what you say. 0 Celsius is the point when water freezes and 100 Celsius is when water boils - that's pretty clever. What is 0 Fahrenheit? Temperature recorded during one winter day in Gdansk, Poland, in 1724. What is 100 Fahrenheit? Nothing, actually. That's not so clever. Oh, and it turns out Fahrenheit scale is foreign! Metric system also prevents for this to happen.

Now Ann, shut up and enjoy soccer field measurements.

9. Soccer is not "catching on".

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Headlines this week proclaimed "Record U.S. ratings for World Cup," and we had to hear — again about the "growing popularity of soccer in the United States."

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women's World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women's games are as thrilling as the men's.)

Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year's Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.

Except soccer audience is growing and football audience is declining. 40% of Americans don't want their children to play football, and in the higher income bracket it's almost 50-50. And in 30 years, soccer is probably gonna be even more popular. Just as it is in Europe and the rest of the world - on the video we have 100 thousand people on the street of Warsaw cheering after Poland scored 1:0 with Greece on Euro 2012.

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