1.
i am not a VSCO girl, i’m a venmo girl
2.
I think I’m the perfect your-ex-boyfriends-new-girlfriend because from some angles I’m really hideous (good for ur self esteem) and from some angles I’m really beautiful (good for your transitive-property market value)
3.
white moms be like i’m bilingual i speak english and to the manager
4.
i want a husband. i’m tired of telling 20 guys how my day went
5.
The Man by me having sex Taylor Swift 🤝 wonderin if I’d get there quicker if I was a man
6.
men love to date powerful women for 3-8 weeks
7.
“Wyd after class?” Me:
8.
Hot girl summer is over. It’s time for grand theft autumn
9.
“i bet u talk to mad people on the low” me: https://t.co/soS2cUUyW7
10.
if you dating a white guy you're single to me. tf Matt gonna do, start a podcast?
11.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
12.
lana del rey seems like that girl in high school who was always out of dress code but never got in trouble for it and would leave in the middle of every class to go to the bathroom but she’d take her whole bag with her and not come back for 45 minutes
13.
white girls just want a wedding so they can hear their totally uncommunicative boyfriends say what they like about them for the first and last time during vows
14.
The male equivalent of getting bangs is thinking about doing stand up
15.
All I want is a writing career that is stable enough to allow me to retire to a haunted coastal town and solve local murders, is that too much to ask
16.
i have NEVER, and i mean NEVER, seen an american perfect our accents like this
17.
found out my mom drove HERSELF to the hospital when she was going into labor bc she was mad at my dad for not giving her enough attention and wanted to birth me by herself bc “men are incapable”... so yes I am the son of a petty queen and, yes, I will carry on her legacy.