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Top Sheets Are The LITERAL FUCKING WORST — Here's Why

Oh sheet.

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So recently, Twitter launched a debate that truly shook Western civilization to its deepest, darkest core. And that debate, my chickens?

People say millennials “killed” chain restaurants, marriage, & napkins... But WHEN will they acknowledge our greatest take-down yet?? TOP SHEETS. I don’t know a single millennial who uses one. Top sheets are archaic. This is just the truth.

TOP SHEETS. OR. NO TOP SHEETS??????

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If you're a SANE person who doesn't like being trapped in a papery FART SARCOPHAGUS, then the correct answer is OBVI NO TOP SHEET. Gold star!

Getty Images / Syd Robinson / BuzzFeed

"But Syd," you're probably wondering, "why are you — and seemingly so many other people of the younger generations — refusing to use top sheets?"

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Well, dear reader, let me unpack this for you.

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*aggressively unzips carry-on bag*

EXHIBIT A: TOP SHEETS ARE LI- 👏 -TER- 👏 -A- 👏 -LLY 👏 USELESS.

'top sheet' more like 'crumpled down at the bottom of the bed and the floor ready for me to trip over when i wake up sheet' but yes i still use a top sheet

Whenever I've slept using a top sheet, it always ended up crumpled down at the bottom. Like, SORRY I kick and roll around when I sleep instead of just lying still like a CARCASS!!! Top sheets?! WHO NEEDS 'EM!!!!!! 💁

EXHIBIT B: THEY'RE BASICALLY LARGE NAPKINS.

Awful cotton top sheets remind me of the Starbucks napkin we buried my hamster, Beans, in when I was six. NEXT! (RIP Beanie. 😔)
Getty Images / Syd Robinson / BuzzFeed

Awful cotton top sheets remind me of the Starbucks napkin we buried my hamster, Beans, in when I was six. NEXT! (RIP Beanie. 😔)

EXHIBIT C: HAVE YOU TRIED SLEEPING UNDER JUST A DUVET THO?!?!?

Duvets are heavenly, HEAVENLY inventions. It's like you're finally free, sleeping in a cloud, and you're but a wee cherub. Honestly, I'm v sure that 99% of Top Sheeters™ only like top sheets because they have some BASIC ASS quilt instead of a feathery duvet! To those people, I say: Upgrade your life and GET A FUCKING DUVET. AND LOSE THE TOP SHEET WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
Getty Images / Syd Robinson / BuzzFeed

Duvets are heavenly, HEAVENLY inventions. It's like you're finally free, sleeping in a cloud, and you're but a wee cherub.

Honestly, I'm v sure that 99% of Top Sheeters™ only like top sheets because they have some BASIC ASS quilt instead of a feathery duvet! To those people, I say: Upgrade your life and GET A FUCKING DUVET. AND LOSE THE TOP SHEET WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

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And EXHIBIT D: THIS TWEET.

Also, this is you using a #TopSheet

IN CONCLUSION:

ARREST ME: I DO NOT USE A TOP SHEET BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR NONSENSE

Join #TeamNoTopSheet in our MOVEMENT! Be on the RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The conversation continues... #teamnotopsheet

OH! Also make sure to vote in the poll below while you're at it!!! 💁 We have to keep track of our growing numbers!!!!!!!!!!

  1. Which side are you on?!

    Which side are you on?!
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    TOP SHEET!!!
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    Correct
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    NO TOP SHEET!!!
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