20 Petty Exes Who Will Make You Glad You're Single
*Makes playlist that's just "Before He Cheats" 100 times*
1. The absolute monster:
"My ex-husband gave me back my KitchenAid mixer but kept all the attachments."
2. The Bitmoji ruiner:
"My ex changed the passwords to my Snapchat, ruined my Bitmoji, and proceeded to block every guy on my account."
3. The guy you're* never getting over:
"After I broke up with my first high school boyfriend, he left messages on my desk with misspelled words and incorrect grammar, knowing how irritated I would be, as it was (and still is) one of my biggest pet peeves."
4. The party pooper:
"In college, my boyfriend dumped me two days before my birthday. Little did he know that his friends were throwing a huge surprise party for me at his house. He sulked in his room the whole time and didn't come out."
5. The left sock burglar:
"My boyfriend's ex knew how much he loved those expensive Nike socks that are designed specifically for each foot and labeled with an L and R. When they broke up, she stole all his left socks."
6. The ex who just wanted to stay friends:
"My ex kept texting me wanting to 'be friends'. I already told him that I would need more time. After a month of me not responding, he sent me a text with a link to the song 'Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You)'."
7. The teddy bear skinner:
"My boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend cut open an oversized panda bear he had gotten her, took out all the stuffing, and wore the skin of the bear."
8. The pyromaniac:
"My ex sent me a 13-minute long video of him setting fire to everything of mine I left at his apartment. He used gasoline and everything."
9. The parting gift giver:
"When we broke up, he was a senior and I was a junior. I didn’t take it well and cried pretty heavily when we had the talk. Our high school had a ‘Senior Will’, where seniors could gift things like 'health' and 'prosperity' to their lower-classmen friends. My ex gifted me a box of fucking tissues."
10. The Barbie girl:
"After I broke up with my girlfriend, she logged into my Netflix account and gave five stars to a bunch of Barbie movies and messed up all my ratings."
11. The tacky ex:
"One of my boyfriend's exes left thousands of brass tacks, point up, all over his apartment."
12. The erectile dysfunction enabler:
"After a year of marriage, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me. So, while he was moving out, I poured out his bottle of liquid Cialis and refilled it with water."
13. The scorned thespian:
"My acting major ex WROTE and PERFORMED a monologue for class in which he described in explicit, gory detail how he cheated on me multiple times and how much he enjoyed it. Apparently it was so vulgar that, when he was finished, a girl said, 'You really shouldn't be allowed to talk to women.'"
14. The Craigslist advertiser:
15. The ex who got even: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"My ex slept with my best friend, so I slept with his best friend."
16. The ex who was *clearly* a hoarder:
"When we broke up, my ex returned EVERYTHING. That included five bobby pins, three Capri Suns, one bag of popcorn, and a tiny fake flower I had in my hair on one of our first dates."
17. The John Tucker Must Die recreator:
"When I found out my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me, I messaged the girl he was cheating with and asked her to come over to tell me what was going on. Later, I called him and asked if we could meet up and talk. When he came over, I had the girl come around the corner with me to greet him. His face was priceless!"
18. The ex who's really Elle Woods:
"I applied to medical school after my ex tried and failed just to prove I was the smartest. I got in!"
19. The DidgeriDOO NOT STEAL MY THINGS:
"My ex stole my DIDGERIDOO! I got it from Australia when I was in high school and I'm still pissed about it."