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    23 Tweets For Anyone Who Stopped Maturing Somewhere Around Sixth Grade

    "I have a boyfriend." —A lettuce head

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    snickers got a d*ck vein https://t.co/l1HYNDMyrN

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    So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head

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    When train conductors drive past each other

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    My bop it: bop it Me: *bops it* Bop it: oh yeah, twist it Me: uhh weird *twists it* Bop it: pull it Me: *pulls it* Bop it: HARDER Me: ..... wtf Bop it: fuck me

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    Me and Matt are no longer allowed in @IHOP

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    im at knots berry farms n my butts 2 big 2 fit in da seats on ride. ahhhhhh (dats me yellin)

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    when my manager asks where ive been for the last hour

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    jake gyllenhaal reminds me of a sim and maybe that's why i find him so comforting.. i can just picture him saying "dag dag" and laughing at a wall

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    We have a chicken at work and it loves attacking me when I let it out

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    Moths when they see a lamp (via @notphozee)

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    Me: *choking on a piece of bread* Paramedics: let’s get this bread

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    me when someone says its 8:53 but on my watch it says 8:52

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    You know it’s time to go to bed when you reach this account in Explore

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    locals in 1928 watching charlie chaplin silent films

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    Pizza rolls are just Italian gushers

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    me walking to my parents room at 2am telling them i threw up

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    what does NASA stand for. not another spaceship aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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    *Child visiting the Willy Wonka factory getting brutally injured in one of the machines* Oompa Loompas watching from a distance: https://t.co/cSZhqQgaR3

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    starbucks barista: and what’s your name? me:

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