15 Times Customers' Logic Pushed Me Beyond My Limits As A Waitress

Shout out to the man who rubbed coleslaw on his body.

1. Toilet paper thief

NBC

This lady came in asking to use the restroom. We thought it was no big deal but then she came out with huge stacks of toilet paper (the backup stock and everything), yelling “DRIP-DRY B*TCHES” before sprinting out the fire exit. It was like she committed a crime — but I guess she kinda did.

2. The delicacy that is undercooked fries

E!

I’m usually not too surprised when I get requests to make modifications on food. But, I will never understand the person who likes the starchy-mouth feel of undercooked fries. And I don’t mean “not crispy” fries, I mean like fresh Idaho spuds sliced upright on their plate. Is that even considered a french fry if it’s not fried...?

3. Let’s throw a tantrum over pop options

NBC

I have learnt that there is some big political debate about Coke and Pepsi products. I don’t care if you have a preference, that’s on you, but this man explained to me that it was my job to make customers happy so I should drive to the store to buy him a Coke because that’s how I will earn a tip. Needless to say, I laughed thinking it was a joke, and he left pissed off and never returned.

4. Fish and chips...but hold the batter

NBC

Again, I totally get food preferences but why? Just why? I told the lady that the fish my work has is frozen and it’s a thin cut of meat so it wouldn’t be very good and perhaps she’d prefer something else. But she insisted – pleaded really, and not surprisingly complained that it was the “worst fish and chips she had ever had.”

5. Beware of flying ketchup bottles

HBO, Toddsm66 / Getty Images/iStockphoto

Ever heard of condiments of mass destruction? There was a lady who got extremely mad at our staff so she went to every table, making a collection of ketchup bottles. Then she spotted her targets, which I happened to be a part of, and threw them with a surprising amount of force. It was terrifying, but I only walked away with minimal bruises.

6. The man who rubbed coleslaw on his body

Getty Images

Shirt came off, coleslaw went on. Need I say more?

7. Keto diets include pie. Lots of pie.

TriStar Pictures

This still doesn’t make any sense to me: A family came in and explained that they were all keto. I adjusted their meals accordingly, like the good waitress I am, and they were happy with their low-carb, low-sugar dinners. When I went to give them the bill though, they explained that they wanted dessert. There are probably 100 grams of sugar in a slice of banana cream, def not keto-approved, but apparently still "works for the plan.”

8. Make out sessions in the back booth

NBC

Picture this: this older couple comes in and immediately the man pulls me aside asking if we had a private booth for him to “go crazy” on his girlfriend. After reminding him that: a) we are in public, and b) this is a family restaurant, he pushed his girlfriend into a booth and sucked her face.

9. The lady who told me she could tell I didn’t have kids because of my boobs

FOX/Peacock / Via giphy.com

I know I should take this as a compliment, but c’mon. I was chatting to a middle aged woman about her kids, she asked if I had any of my own. I told her no, she laughed, and said that it was obvious because my “t*ts were still nice and perky.” She then went on to explain how much damage her children did to her body. She was very descriptive.

10. Ordered at the wrong restaurant

FOX

This happens so often it’s actually annoying. People don’t seem to look at the location that they are ordering from and then over an hour later call us to inform us that they are six hours away and not coming to get their food. I get it, but it’s a waste of our time and food. This one lady called to somehow blame it on us, insisting that she should be given a store credit for the inconvenience. I’m sorry ma’am, this was your fault? Why should we be paying you?

11. Buckets of gravy

FOX / Via giphy.com

Around the holidays, we got a frantic phone call from a lady who said that she just cooked a turkey and she ruined the gravy. She explained that she needed to buy a restaurant-sized bucket of gravy to save her dinner. We don’t have buckets to sell, so we ended up filling about a dozen take-out coffee cups with gravy. I have never seen someone so thankful to be spending $50 on gravy.

12. She ate a napkin, puked everywhere, and refused to clean it up

FOX / Via tenor.com

I served this old lady – like an old, old lady — who would often forget where she was and got confused in public situations. She was a regular, so I always made sure to be extra patient with her and bring her everything that she likes (even if she couldn’t remember what she likes). But one day, I saw her eating a napkin. She inhaled the entire thing before her husband stopped her, but it was too late. This 100 year old puked everywhere – all over herself, all over the floor, the table, everywhere and refused to clean it up.

13. The 90-year-old who asked a...gross...question

PopTV/Netflix

My coworker served this old man who looked to be about 90. He just looked like a typical senior, nothing special about him, until he asked his waitress if she would like him to "eat her p*ssy." He was so nonchalant about it, it was like he was asking for more coffee or an extra napkin. He came in every Wednesday for a few months hoping she would change her mind. He died last year and was never granted his last dying wish.

14. The man that pooped in the parking lot

Nickelodeon

A couple of weeks ago, a customer informed our manager that someone had taken it upon themselves to take a giant poop in our parking lot. Yup, right there in open daylight for all to see. A real warm welcome. When one of our staff went out to clean it up, he excitedly told me that it looked like a curled-up snake piled into a neat little spiral – an image I can’t unsee.

15. And the kid who stood up and peed on the seat

Pixar

This was no accident either. A boy who was about 8 or 9 was having lunch with his parents. About halfway through the meal he stood up out of the booth, pulled down his pants, and peed against the table. His mom said that he often did this – just a “silly habit.” And no, she did not offer to clean it up, and she definitely didn’t tip.