What Office Jargon Actually Means

Don’t forget to loop me on this one.

1. If you work in an office, you’ve probably received an email that looks kinda like this:

(this is an extreme and made up example, obviously, but not THAT far from reality!)

2. And it probably made you feel kind of like…

3. Luckily, we can offer some assistance. Here are some easy to comprehend definitions for the most common business-speak:

“Best practices” = Rules.

“Check in” = Just making sure you have a pulse.

“Circle the wagons” = Have a meeting where approximately half of the attendees don’t care about this issue and will be looking at the internet while you’re talking.

“Chat” = An unnatural and formal conversation wearing a fun and informal costume.

“Core competencies” = The stuff executives are good at (usually “networking,” see below).

“Double down” = Work overtime.

“Ducks in a row” = shit together.

“For future reference” = for me to archive in gmail and not be able to find later.

“Leverage” = Take advantage.

“Loop me” = I am insecure about my position and I need to be needlessly included in as many things as possible.

“Move the needle” = Actually accomplish something, ANYTHING, please.

“Networking” = Like partying, but for work.

“No brainer” = Since you haven’t already done or thought about this, you’re already in trouble.

“Reach out” = Send an email.

“Run the numbers” = ask someone who understands this.

“Shoot me an email” = You better fucking send an email about this as SOON as it’s done or I’m putting you back on my secret list.

“Table this” = Never speak of this again.

“Thanks in advance!” = I hate you.

“Touching base” = You didn’t respond to my last three emails, where the fuck are you?

“Use case” = I don’t really think your idea makes any sense but maybe you can explain an actual real world application of it that will mean something.

“Value add” = a secret sign to make sure as many people as possible know exactly what good things you’ve done and what you bring to the company, because they haven’t been paying attention.

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