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What Office Jargon Actually Means

Don't forget to loop me on this one.

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Luckily, we can offer some assistance. Here are some easy to comprehend definitions for the most common business-speak:

"Best practices" = Rules.

"Check in" = Just making sure you have a pulse.

"Circle the wagons" = Have a meeting where approximately half of the attendees don't care about this issue and will be looking at the internet while you're talking.

"Chat" = An unnatural and formal conversation wearing a fun and informal costume.

"Core competencies" = The stuff executives are good at (usually "networking," see below).

"Double down" = Work overtime.

"Ducks in a row" = shit together.

"For future reference" = for me to archive in gmail and not be able to find later.

"Leverage" = Take advantage.

"Loop me" = I am insecure about my position and I need to be needlessly included in as many things as possible.

"Move the needle" = Actually accomplish something, ANYTHING, please.

"Networking" = Like partying, but for work.

"No brainer" = Since you haven't already done or thought about this, you're already in trouble.

"Reach out" = Send an email.

"Run the numbers" = ask someone who understands this.

"Shoot me an email" = You better fucking send an email about this as SOON as it's done or I'm putting you back on my secret list.

"Table this" = Never speak of this again.

"Thanks in advance!" = I hate you.

"Touching base" = You didn't respond to my last three emails, where the fuck are you?

"Use case" = I don't really think your idea makes any sense but maybe you can explain an actual real world application of it that will mean something.

"Value add" = a secret sign to make sure as many people as possible know exactly what good things you've done and what you bring to the company, because they haven't been paying attention.

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