If you work in an office, you've probably received an email that looks kinda like this:
And it probably made you feel kind of like...
Luckily, we can offer some assistance. Here are some easy to comprehend definitions for the most common business-speak:
"Best practices" = Rules.
"Check in" = Just making sure you have a pulse.
"Circle the wagons" = Have a meeting where approximately half of the attendees don't care about this issue and will be looking at the internet while you're talking.
"Chat" = An unnatural and formal conversation wearing a fun and informal costume.
"Core competencies" = The stuff executives are good at (usually "networking," see below).
"Double down" = Work overtime.
"Ducks in a row" = shit together.
"For future reference" = for me to archive in gmail and not be able to find later.
"Leverage" = Take advantage.
"Loop me" = I am insecure about my position and I need to be needlessly included in as many things as possible.
"Move the needle" = Actually accomplish something, ANYTHING, please.
"Networking" = Like partying, but for work.
"No brainer" = Since you haven't already done or thought about this, you're already in trouble.
"Reach out" = Send an email.
"Run the numbers" = ask someone who understands this.
"Shoot me an email" = You better fucking send an email about this as SOON as it's done or I'm putting you back on my secret list.
"Table this" = Never speak of this again.
"Thanks in advance!" = I hate you.
"Touching base" = You didn't respond to my last three emails, where the fuck are you?
"Use case" = I don't really think your idea makes any sense but maybe you can explain an actual real world application of it that will mean something.
"Value add" = a secret sign to make sure as many people as possible know exactly what good things you've done and what you bring to the company, because they haven't been paying attention.