Aries (March 21 - April 20)
"Aries dudes are BABIES"
"Like usually creative and seriously fun, but the kind of guy whose mom is still doing laundry for them at 25"
"bunch of whiners"
"they want everything that they want and they don't want to have to do any work for it
fun for makeouts, terrible for relationships"
"And usually super hot."
"also incredibly stubborn"
"They are rams."
"good whirlwinds maybe, they're so impulsive which feels romantic for like a day
'let's skip work and take a road trip!!!!!!!'"
"yup. i had an Aries move to NYC for me after three weeks of dating. That imploded, as you can imagine."
"Yeah. they're romantic and passionate, but they also have short attention spans so it's easy to get paranoid... rightfully paranoid!"
Taurus (April 21-May 20)
"this is a mythical 'strong and silent' type that sounds good in theory but is actually boring and bad."
"ugh they are just so boring. no charisma."
"taurus guys are loyal though"
"they can't flirt"
"Argumentative about dumb things."
"'Taurus make wonderful friends' - profile I just read. emphasis on friends"
"they kinda make your stomach churn because they're trying so hard"
"Yeah, and like just not natural"
"I feel like their priorities are all wrong, too — like they're the guys who are thinking about wanting to have kids when they're 22."
"Like they are not natural charmers"
"the Taurus I dated was reallllly into us getting married when we graduated and then he married some other girl two years after we did graduate."
"I will say Tauruses are great when they are dating one of your friends! Like you never have to worry that they are going to fuck them over."
"They are like the Bob the Builders of the human male world"
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
"i feel like if you can pin a gemini down (which is hard) they're great"
"Geminis are guys who you get crushes on but nothing ever happens because they're like too busy for anything"
"If they are anything like lady geminis they're impatient and restless, like sexy airheady flighty boys"
"I feel like Geminis always have pretty eyes and long eyelashes <3"
"a gemini is a good boyfriend to have when you're 20"
"but they're the kind of guys who like, convert to hari krishna. Just so unpredictable that it's scary."
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
"the men are different from the women btw cancer guys are just a WRECK"
"I do feel like cancer men understand women better than any other sign. they're male feminists."
"but they're also super fragile and sensitive"
"they are fragile in this way that is so not productive though and sometimes it's just like FUCKING HELL get your shit together. my worst boyfriend ever was a cancer and he was just downright MEAN sometimes."
"i think they're very defensive"
"like they think it's a personal attack if you ask them to do a house chore"
"I get crushes on cancers but I also feel like they're 99% likely to be hung up on some random ex who probably sucked anyway, and it's been like 10 years."
"yeah, because they just have a surplus of feelings all the time. they have not cashed in their feelings tax return"
"tbh now it just sounds like we're describing 'men'."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
"super good in bed"
"super charismatic, dynamic. it's a stereotype but DAT HAIR"
"yep, I feel like they are usually hippies. The kind of guy that owns toe shoes and does the master cleanse and wants to have sex at camping."
"leos are just confident. it's like they lived that prior life of being a moody cancer and were like, fuck that noise, i'm going to do me. sometimes to the extreme."
"i feel like with leos you're always trying to get their attention"
"i really really liked a leo once but i feel like he was off-brand, he was like, definitely not a clear communicator or what i'd necessarily call 'strong'."
"The way I picture a Leo is like a guy who would be your manager at a tropical themed bar, who you'd have sex with after work even though he had a 'girlfriend' who he was constantly fighting with."
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"My BF is a virgo and he is great BUT a lot of virgo dudes are just kinda cold fishes."
"My one that got away is a virgo. His deal was that he is perfect but couldn't allow himself to be happy, with anyone or life in general."
"yup v. virgo. sensitive sallies who are v. self critical"
"secretly emotional but like, who cares if you don't ever show it?"
"right. like the biggest problem in their lives is how they feel about themselves."
"ugh yeah a virgo can't ever just be happy for himself or like settle down."
"they are all repressed and shows in weird ways. they're like nail biters"
"and nitpicky. a little rude and thoughtless."
"but it's actually BeCAUSE THEY HATE THEMSELVES"
"mean and insensitive about others without ever really meaning to be and then if you do let them know they feel terrible about it foreverrrrr."
"BUT, they are also super smart and incredibly creative."
"i personally do not care if someone is smart and creative if he is a self-pitying whiny asshole. pass, virgo."
Libra (September 23-October 22)
"most stand-up guy sign"
"I alwaaaays get crushes on libras. I feel like they are funny and cute and good at flirting and also being nice. i like them"
"i find them just ho-hum"
"A Libra is great to introduce to your parents. Great parents boyfriend."
"Yep. I will say I don't think they are particularly ~deep~ or anything. Like there aren't infinities to get to know and think about. Not the kind of guy you get hung up on, but super great to date."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)
"no no no no"
"Actual sociopaths. HOT sociopaths."
"Scorpios only care about sex, money and death."
"suuuuper heady and intense and also very frail and immature and flighty"
"I find them endlessly compelling but also like actually frightening."
"YES like scorpios can figure out the one thing that will just ruin you and then dangle it around as a bargaining chip in your relationship"
"however I will say that I think they are the best kissers."
"they are good at doing it"
"they are the type to want to hang out all the time super intensely and then just one day FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH."
"and you're like, but! but! but! and then they show up again like 'NBD.'"
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21
"so sagittarius dudes... ok... I LOVE A SAG. i have fallen for several of them because they are charming and flighty and adventurous and they encapsulate many traits that i wish i possessed."
"they SHOULD be good at communication?"
"too blunt maybe?"
"but they are supppppper hard to actually pin down"
"I do find them charming as heck, but like... never serious. the kind of guy who never wants to have like a REAL conversation. too busy makin' jokes."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
"nerds lol. I mean I am also a nerd but capricorns are just like awk. they can't hang."
"Capricorns are also lovely people. But they are def. the guy who stays in your hometown."
"introverted AND like short-tempered AND like, unfairly always thinking they should be way farther ahead in life than they are."
"they're boring-romantic like they follow romance to the letter candle dinners + flowers etc"
"Red roses. Whitman's sampler."
"also like the kind of guy who reads some book about kissing and thinks that he should spend 45 minutes sucking on your lower lip"
Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)
"they think they're friends with everyone and then you realize that they use the term very loosely"
"Never dated one, don't know one, don't want to know one."
"hard to get close to them."
"I just don't have anything to say about aquariuses, which maybe doesn't reflect great on them"
"there isn't that much sexy, good or bad, about them."
"idk they just take on the personality of whatever they are around. like the Mystiques of the dude world."
PISCES (February 20 - March 20)
"OMG I LOVE THEM. They are just like, so DEEP"
"sensitive and a little moody but not in a necessarily bad/dealbreaker way"
"they're generally pretty calm and reliable"
"I feel like pisces will send you a text message that you will remember for the rest of your life / screenshot and send to all your friends."
"Dating them for me is like the equivalent of wearing a dress that I used to wear in high school. I know that it's no longer my style. But I can't help but feel nostalgic for it."
"They can be a little navel gazy though, let's be real."
"A little bit, 'NO THANKS CAN'T HANG TONIGHT GONNA STAY HOME AND WRITE IN MY JOURNAL.'"
"right and I also like sometimes they say things they don't mean. like they're in their heads so much that their words don't always match up to what they actually want in actual real life."
"but I get it and I like them."
"yeah big thinkers who can have a hard time with follow-through, but when they do it's great."
"sometimes they are stymied by their own overwhelming feelings."