1. Someone call the ambulance, I don’t know if Anton Chekhov will recover.
2. EZRA [just got a] POUND[ing].
3. Someone’s gonna need a ShakesBEER.
4. Ralph Waldo Emerson: respected essayist, lecturer, poet and…
5. Edgar Allen OooOOOooooh.
6. Uh-oh, can someone check on Emily Dickinson?
7. If you haven’t ostracized D.H. Lawrence, you better treat these wounds.
8. Joseph Heller’s first-degree burns need some attention!
10. James What-A-Dickey sears the sensitive flesh of Robert Frost himself.
11. John Steinbeck’s Of Mice And Men Who Need Some Aloe Vera For That Burn
12. Jack Kerouac is On The Road to the ICU!
13. Walt Whitman is probably wearing that coat to protect himself from jabs such as these…
14. More like Withering Heights, amIrite Emily Brontë?
15. Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, virtually cremated.
- Nope, President Donald Trump will not release his tax returns after an IRS audit, the White House says, despite pledging to do so.
- Trump has commented on yesterday's massive Women's Marches asking, "why didn't these people vote?"
- Kellyanne Conway says White House press sec. Sean Spicer didn't lie about crowd size at Trump's inauguration. He gave "alternative facts."
- "SNL" paused the laughs for a moment last night to pay tribute to former President Barack Obama.