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25 Things You Should Never, Ever Say To Someone Who Lives In Kolkata

TUI MAAR KHAABI.

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1. "But isn't Kolkata, like, really dirty and backward?"

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But aren't you, like, really ignorant?

2. “Golgappas/pani puris are way better than phuchkas.”

Ei baandor! Why don't you just go back to where you came from?
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Ei baandor! Why don't you just go back to where you came from?

3. “Oh I totally know a Bengali song." *KORBO LORBO JEETBO REEEE*

Dharma Productions

Even SRK is cringing somewhere.

4. “You live in Kolkata? Oh so you are obviously a Bengali.”

Yes. Shah Rukh Khan lives in Mumbai, so he's obviously Maharashtrian.
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Yes. Shah Rukh Khan lives in Mumbai, so he's obviously Maharashtrian.

5. “So there’s roshogulla, mishti doi and shondesh. Are these the only desserts you guys have?”

You surely haven't heard of rum balls from Flurys and Kookie Jar's lemon tarts. How about some plum cake from Nahoum's?
skanndtyagi / Via instagram.com

You surely haven't heard of rum balls from Flurys and Kookie Jar's lemon tarts. How about some plum cake from Nahoum's?

6. “Does Kolkata even have cafés and malls?”

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No. We mostly spend all of our time at the fish market and then go to Kalighat.

7. “Left is right.”

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EEESH. It's more like Ma Mati Manush.

8. “Why do you have a fucking potato in your biryani?”

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Excuse me? Why do you have a nose on your face? Let me break it for you.

9. “But nobody ever seems to work in Kolkata.”

Warner Bros

The first rule of lyadh is: You do not talk about lyadh.

10. “Soooooo! Is Kolkata the new London already? LOL.”

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Yeah, we have the poor man's Big Ben and annoying visitors like you. So yes, we are.

11. “The Delhi/Mumbai Metro is way better.”

iiSuperwomanii

Oh hello, hothobhaga! In case you didn't know, the Kolkata Metro happens to be the first metro railway in the country. Respect your elders.

12. “Why do you guys eat everything? Aami jol khaabe. Aami maach khaabe.”

iiSuperwomanii

TUI MAAR KHAABI.

13. “Why does your mom call you Bumba/Babai/Shona? HAHAHA Papai HAHAHAHA.”

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Every Bengali has an adorable daaknam. We have a few for you: Aarshola and tiktiki.

14. “What’s jhaal?”

NBC

It's the Satan inside me spouting the fire of the seven hells. BURNNNNN.

15. “The roads suck. The traffic sucks.”

Use the extra commute time to read a damn book then.
VnGrijl / Via Flickr: vngrijl

Use the extra commute time to read a damn book then.

16. “Why is everything pronounced with an O? Why does Amitabh turn into Omitabh?”

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The O makes it easier for us to put roshogollas in our mouths.

17. “Everything is so blue.”

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Our chief minister had once auditioned for an Ujala Neel commercial and was rejected. So she painted the entire city blue out of revenge.

18. “Can Victoria’s Secret be found inside the Victoria Memorial? EHEHHEHEHEHE.”

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If you were Matt Damon from The Martian, nobody would ever come to rescue you.

19. “But you are a Calcuttan. How can you get lost in Salt Lake City?”

EXCUSE ME! SALT LAKE IS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE TRIWIZARD MAZE!
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EXCUSE ME! SALT LAKE IS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE TRIWIZARD MAZE!

20. “But isn’t Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose dea..”

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LET ME BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD.

21. "You guys go cray AF about Durga Puja. Celebrate other festivals too?"

Calcutta and Christmas are pretty much synonymous. But of course, you wouldn't know.
im.hunt.in / Via Flickr: soumyaroop_chatterjee

Calcutta and Christmas are pretty much synonymous. But of course, you wouldn't know.

22. "Why do these bus conductors keep screaming “Aaste ladies, pete kole baaccha", all the time?"

I will explain. But first, aapni ektu chepe boshun.
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I will explain. But first, aapni ektu chepe boshun.

23. “I got into a yellow cab and told the driver “Bhaiya, meter se chalo”. He asked me to get out of the taxi because it was lunchtime.”

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HAHAHA! You deserved it.

24. “You have places like Ultodanga HAHAHAHAHA! Tangra HAHAHAHAHHA. OMG Hatibagan ROFL.”

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Your juvenility is appalling. Eat hagu!

25. “Aami tomake bhalobashi.”

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Tui maanush na goru. (And that TOTALLY means "I love you too.")