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The Definitive Ranking Of Hangover Food

Everything's going to be ok. Probably.

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17. Last Night's Kebab.


While scraping last night’s doner and garlic mayo out of the soggy wrapper half-wedged under your sofa seems temptingly convenient, beware. Best case scenario: self-loathing and the runs. Worst case scenario: Miserable E coli death. If it looks like roadkill, don’t eat it, as a general rule of thumb.

14. McDonald's/Burger King/KFC Etc.


When you were a hungover student, it was a brilliant idea to pile into someone's car and head for the nearest drive-thru Maccy Ds. But now you're just a 32-year-old parked on your own off the North Circular trying desperately to stop alcohol depression percolating. You are the scientologist, the man with hairy shoulders, the guy who enjoys Everybody Loves Raymond. You're creeping out the 13-year-olds about to go bowling at the multiplex opposite, and you're possibly about to be nicked for daytime dogging. Return to your home, and think about what you've done.

11. Fry-up.


One to tackle during the window of opportunity when you wake up still drunk and have tons of energy. Initially the lashings of grease salt and tommy k will seem a kingly feast, but better eat fast: sadistic cotton mouth is en route.

10. Takeaway Indian Or Chinese.


Getting somebody else to cook for you is a no brainer when you're hungover. Mild and stodgy curry and naan seems the safest best, but each to their own – the most important ingredient is, of course, your own lethargy.

But ordering in is not without its perils: many a hangover casualty has been sent over the edge by being forced to disturb the innards of phone and wallet in quick succession. Who have you called at 4.30am? Where’s the rest of the 90 quid you took out? Enter The Fear.

8. Chocolate.


Nothing is more likely than a grinding hangover to make competent adults with beards and mortgages regress into the gibbering wreck of a child whose just lost his parents in Watford John Lewis. Embrace it by pressing the sugar-rush button. Extra hangover-cessation points if you can locate a Curly-Wurly, or even a Trio, then eat while watching re-runs of Fun House on Challenge TV.

7. Fruit Salad.


Pros: sweet, tasty, easy to prepare, and full of nutrients and whatnot (potassium-rich bananas, apples, coconuts and kiwi are best for clearing headaches). Cons: may taste identical to that Lambrusco/Vodka/5Alive punch you were guzzling straight from the bowl last night. Gross.

6. Cheese on toast.


The Ford Mondeo of comfort good: predictable, reliable, consistent, and readily affordable to any hangover sufferer not bound to a career in pyramid selling, and who still regards the horse as a farmyard animal.

5. Haribo.


Despite having precisely zero nutritional value, by some mysterious alchemy these little explosions of fruit-flavoured gummy joy can make a grim hangover seem like a kid’s picnic. Plus you can pre-stock. But: never, EVER this kind. Ever.

4. Barbecue.


A typical barbecue encompasses two crucial hangover alleviators: meat and bread. Plus a barbecued meal is less fatty than a fry-up, because everything is grilled, while you may even be encouraged to loll your aching frame onto the patio for an hour to soak up some vitamin D. Only the UK's fricking terrible weather prevents the barbecue dinner from ranking higher.

3. Soup.


Extremely handy for those hangovers where you’re doubled up in the foetal position on the sofa all day, whimpering ‘why, why?’, and your throat feels like you’ve got a Borrower lodged in there horseplaying with a miniature cheese grater. Solids are not an option, right? Keep it simple and non-threatening: tomato, pea, lentil or cream of chicken should go down pretty smoothly.

1. Roast Dinner.


Short of uninstalling Snapchat and crouching hidden in the airing cupboard nuzzling warm towels for two hours crying, nothing can make the guilt of the night before expire quicker than a giant, stodgy, sloppy, meaty, scrummy roast. As comforting as a friend who nods sagely when you say you're never drinking again, a roast is hearty cuisine's equivalent of a Morgan Freeman voiceover, or an episode of Blue Peter. You'll need someone else to cook it, natch - but what else are pubs for? Oh, wait.

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