Folks, if you're not watching Vanderpump Rules on Bravo, you are MISSING OUT. It's a reality show about a group of friends in Los Angeles who work at a restaurant together, and it is the greatest work of art I have ever experienced.
Suffice it to say, every episode of Vanderpump Rules is a wild ride from start to finish. Here are all of my thought's on this week's episode.
1. I don't know if I can handle James' brother as a cast member. I just don't think I can take that on.
2. James being so excited to buy his brother some work clothes is honestly sweet though.
3. Jax complaining about Lisa hiring James back at Pump is RICH. She's hired YOU back so many times, Jax!!!
4. Jax saying "fluffer" instead of "buffer"...it's like Freud himself is writing this shit.
5. Does Kristen change her Instagram password before she gets drunk? If so, I honestly applaud the self-awareness.
6. And I should probably start doing that, too.
7. How is she getting "travel anxiety" on a trip TWO HOURS outside of Los Angeles?? It takes me two hours to get to my fucking dentist in this city!
8. Stassi Schroeder on trusting your boyfriend not to cheat: "I didn't know that was, like, a thing." DARK.
9. I love how Lala took Scheana aside and was basically like, "Hey, just FYI, everybody hates it when you talk." That's not really a thing you can say to people! Even if it's true!!!
10. How do I live in the fine city of Los Angeles and yet I STILL haven't been to TomTom yet? I am a disgrace to this fandom.
11. This frozen shot machine thing is wild. It's a cool gimmick I guess but they don't look that appetizing?
12. It just feels like a brain freeze waiting to happen. And like something a kid would want.
13. "There's nowhere else in West Hollywood that's doing anything like this." THERE MIGHT BE A REASON FOR THAT, SANDOVAL.
14. Katie knocking shit off the shelves in this gift shop is relatable AF.
15. How much of this episode is going to take place in this gift shop? We've been here the whole damn episode. I'm bored! Someone get drunk!
16. Oh, JK, Kristen is drunk.
17. How does Jax think he has any right to sass Brittany about her cheating concerns? THEY ARE VALID.
18. I honestly understand why Kristen is upset about James getting a gig at Pump. Lisa seems capable of forgiving everyone but her. It's kinda weird.
19. I mean seriously, all she did was tell ONE manager to suck ONE dick ONE time. And that was years ago!!!
20. Lisa seems much more forgiving of the men in this cast than the women. FOOD 4 THOUGHT.
21. Ah, and now James' brother officially works at Sur. (I refuse to learn his name as a matter of principle, thank you.)
22. Peter training him how to bus a table was WILD. Why was he pouring liquids from one glass into another glass??? That's not remotely necessary!
23. I was a busboy in a past life and I can say with certainty that you should just clear the glasses quickly without doing whatever strange chemistry experiments Peter was attempting at the table. It's kind of gross for the other guests to see you doing that.
24. Ah, and now James' brother has a scene with Lisa. I guess this is really happening. Are we sure we want to do this, producers? It's not too late to go back...
25. Oh shit, Kristen is DRUNK DRUNK now.
26. I get that Tom Schwartz wants to get along with everyone, but his impulse to defend the guy who bodyshamed his wife feels.......misguided. To put it mildly.
27. Scheana is acting all shy about this Adam thing, but you know she worked SO DAMN HARD to make it a storyline. In the words of Lisa Rinna, OWN IT.
28. Hoooo boy, here come Scheana's tears. I hope her eyelashes aren't mink.
29. The "Rob symphony" moment deserves an Emmy award for editing. This fucking show, I swear.
30. While we're giving out Emmys, let's give Schwartz one for that time he called Scheana a "bootleg Kardashian." What a moment!
31. Katie and Scheana's reconciliation was kinda sweet. I am sure it will last all of one episode.
32. Jax joking about cheating on Brittany less than a year after he actually cheated is...quite bold!
33. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Someone save Brittany.
34. James' reaction to learning they ordered a cheese pizza was so pure. I have never been as excited about anything as James was about a single cheese pizza.
35. Sober James is kinda great! I hope he stays this way! I know he will not!
36. Okay, the producers definitely brought Peter in for this "guys night" because he's the only single one.
37. But Tom being his wingman is kinda pure. He's such a dork.
38. You can't order "baby shots" from a bar, Tom! Or I mean, I guess you can. But it's kind of a waste of money cuz they'll probably charge you for a whole shot?
39. These guys are truly TERRIFIED to be around women who aren't their girlfriends. Imagine being THAT incapable of not cheating. I don't get it.
40. That said, if they're truly just being "wingmen" for Peter, why did they bring a bunch of women back to the room??? Peter is only one guy!
41. They're trying to edit this party to make it look ~sexy~ and ~fun~ but it honestly looks so horribly, painfully awkward.
42. Lol @ Jax and Beau calling their girlfriends to let them know they are in the vicinity of women. Just keep your dick in your pants it's really not a big deal??
43. Ah, and naturally Stassi and Brittany are freaking out now.
44. I guess with Brittany I kinda get it...but Stassi, your boy is so good! Chill.
45. The Toms spraying champagne in the hotel room gave me anxiety. I hope someone went to get paper towels.
46. Oh fuck, Kristen is DRUNK DRUNK DRUNK now.
47. Why won't she sit down??
48. Kristen's quiet rage at the coffee table she tripped over...omg. She is gonna murder a piece of furniture.
49. Double lol @ Lala saying, "That was so trashy." Lala, my friend.........do you know what show you're on right now?
50. Wait, so what DID Carter text Kristen that set her off? Was it just the fact that James had shown up? I'm so confused.
51. Oh my god, this Carter tea.
52. Carter doesn't pay RENT??? Kristen, no...
53. Oof, Stassi is gonna regret saying all this stuff about him tomorrow.
54. JK, looks like she's already regretting it now!
55. But she's 100% right. Why isn't Carter paying rent?
56. They can't say this on camera because it "breaks the fourth wall" but Carter is clearly taking advantage of Kristen's reality TV checks. Damn. She deserves better.
57. PAY YOUR OWN BILLS, CARTER!
58. Wait, so are they still together or not???
59. Fuck, we gotta wait til next week.