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Pumpkin Pie Is Actually The Worst Kind Of Pie And I'm Tired Of Pretending Like It's Not

Enough is enough.

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America, please have a seat. We need to talk.

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Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and you know what that means: Many of you will be charged with the task of bringing a dessert to your family's celebration.

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And I'm here to ask you — nay, beg you — to PLEASE stop it with this pumpkin pie madness.

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Pumpkin pie is the WORST kind of pie. It is a horrible idea for a pie. I'd go so far as to say it's the only truly bad pie out there!!!

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So let's start with an objective, scientific, mathematical fact: Pumpkin pie is gross.

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Whereas apple pie, cherry pie, and blueberry pie are all made with fresh fruit, pumpkin pie is made with a big ol' glob of THIS stuff:

And then there's the flavor: Pumpkin pie tastes nothing like pumpkin at all. You have to add so many spices just to make it taste like anything — but it ends up tasting more like a half-melted candle Yankee Candle than an actual dessert.

Yankee Candle

Also, why would you even WANT to eat pumpkin in the first place? Have you ever held one before? They are rock-hard, inedible objects. They are nature's basketballs. Who would ever look at a pumpkin and wish to eat it???

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And y'all, if the world's pumpkin obsession was confined SOLELY to pies, I might just suffer in silence. But the reality is: Pumpkin pie is a disease, and it's starting to spread.

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From our potato chips...

...to our breakfast cereals...

...and even to our deodorants. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Honestly, no singular food could ever be deserving of this level of worship. And CERTAINLY NOT PUMPKIN PIE.

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And if we're going to solve this problem, we have to cut the snake off at its head. We have to find a less problematic pie to make the Official Pie of Thanksgiving. For example, apple pie!

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Apple pie is delicious, autumnal, and it tastes great with ice cream. Best of all, nobody is trying to make deodorant that smells like it.

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So, please. Stop putting your pumpkin pies here:

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And start putting them where they belong, right here:

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Thank you in advance for never eating pumpkin pie again! You are truly doing your part. Happy Thanksgiving!

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