Hello, world. My name is Stephen, and I'm here to ruin your favorite childhood film, Beauty and the Beast.
Now don't get me wrong. I freaking LOVE this movie. It's a classic! But I recently re-watched it as an adult, and I have some bad news for you...
Every single character is a massive fucking asshole. They're all a bunch of dicks! Let's break it down:
We'll start with Belle. Yes, she's an asshole!
She acts so holier-than-thou all the time. She sings rude songs about her neighbors like they can't even hear her:
BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us
I mean, really, she's very condescending!
Belle could have easily set up some kind of literacy program in her town instead of being a pretentious snit about it
Belle CLAIMS she wants more than this ~provincial life~ — and then becomes a princess in a big empty castle in the middle of nowhere. She sold out all her values for a man!
Next up: the Beast. He's an asshole!
As a prince, he was selfish and vain. He and all his friends are put under a curse LITERALLY because of how terrible he is.
So what does he do to reverse that curse? He abducts a woman and holds her hostage until she falls in love with him. Fucked up!
And then we have the enchanted objects — Lumière, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts — and yes, even Chip. They're all assholes, too.
If they REALLY gave a fuck about Belle, they would let her escape. Instead, they trick an innocent woman into falling in love with a monster-man, so they can be freed from a curse. Do these people have no moral compass?
Next up is Maurice. Yup, asshole!
Maurice started this whole mess by trespassing on private property. That's breaking and entering, dude!
Also, some believe Maurice is responsible for his wife's untimely death:
Do we all agree there is a 100% chance an earlier version of this machine killed Belle's mom
And finally, we have the villains. Needless to say, they're all assholes. Gaston is a sexist pig, Le Fou is complicit as well, yada yada. This one's obvious.
Listen, I love Beauty and the Beast as much as the next guy. But every single character in this film needs to take a long, hard look in that magic mirror. THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES.
Except for the stepstool-dog. He's cool. He can stay.
