Hello, friends. My name's Stephen LaConte, I'm a writer here at BuzzFeed, and according to my friends and family, I'm pretty darn good at giving advice.
So I've invited the world to message me on Instagram and Twitter (@StephenLC in both places) with your biggest problems — and I'm solving 'em right here on BuzzFeed, one DM at a time. Let's get right to it.
Today we've got this woman, who recently discovered multiple sex toys hidden in her boyfriend's sock drawer:
Okay, here's the deal: Normally, I think it's fine to let your partner have a secret or two — not every kink has to be shared, especially if it's something they'd rather keep private and explore alone! But this is one thing you probably should discuss with him, for both of your sakes.
Now, the problem you wrote to me about is your dildo discovery, but I actually think the more pressing issue to resolve here is your boyfriend's inability to, as you put it, "come to fruition" during sex. Let's deal with that, first and foremost.
His inability to orgasm with you might indeed be related to those sex toys — maybe he's not having the kind of sex that he wants to have. But it could also be a medical or psychological issue that he should talk to a doctor about. There's only one way to find out what's going on there, and that's by asking him directly.
Sit down with him (ideally when you're fully clothed and out of bed; this is not a great conversation to have during or immediately after sex) and gently ask him what's up. Let him know that you've noticed he doesn't come during sex, and you're wondering if there's a larger issue here that you could address together. Is he being open about his needs? Is there something you could do differently? Or is he experiencing some sort of physical pain during sex? Is he feeling anxious or depressed?
Approach this conversation as calmly and nonjudgmentally as you can. The goal here isn't to have some "Gotcha!" moment — it's to identify the problem and then decide on some productive steps you can take together to fix it.
And then, once you've opened up this dialogue, if the conversation is productive and he's engaging with you, go ahead and mention the dildos you found. It doesn't sound like you violated his privacy by finding them — if your relationship has reached the "doing each other's laundry" stage, a sock drawer is not a good place to hide secrets. So, assuming you weren't snooping, I think you can just matter-of-factly let him know what you stumbled upon.
Make it clear that you're not angry or upset, but you'd love to know a little more about his use of these toys. You write in your DM that you'd be open to trying some new stuff, so I'd be quick to mention that, too! There's a good chance he'll be embarrassed when this topic comes up, so the more you can do to make it clear that he has nothing to be ashamed of, the better. He'll be more comfortable, and you'll get more honesty out of him as a result.
And that's pretty much as far as my advice can go, because what happens next will really depend on whatever he says. Just talk to him, and make it clear that the only wrong answers here would be lies.
One final piece of advice: This is not necessarily a problem that can be solved overnight, and that's okay! Let it be an ongoing conversation between the two of you over the coming weeks. He might need time to figure out what he wants, and you might need time to process whatever he tells you. So keep the lines of communication open, but don't rush to solutions before you're ready.
TL;DR: Bring up the orgasm issue first and the dildo stuff second. Ask for honesty, and give honesty back. Once you have all the information laid out in front of you, you can work together to determine the best path forward for both of you.
That's all the advice I'm giving today, folks, but if you've got any words of wisdom for our DMer, please share them in the comments. I'll be reading...