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Coffee Is Actually Terrible And People Who Drink It Are Even Worse

This is an intervention.

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Attention, coffee drinkers: It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that your favorite drink is bad, and all of you are bad, too.

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Now, don't get me wrong: I'm sure that many of you are good, upstanding citizens of the world. You are doctors, teachers, students, parents. You are important! But every morning, you drink a giant cup of steaming bean water. And for this reason, you are horrible.

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I'll start with the obvious: Coffee does not taste good.

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And before you start blabbering about ~ACQUIRED TASTE~, let me save you the time: Yes, the more you drink coffee, the less awful it seems. This is called Stockholm syndrome, and it is a bad defense of coffee.

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The first time you ever tried coffee, you probably made a face like this. You should have trusted this face. This face was telling you the truth about coffee.

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Case in point: When you buy coffee at a store, they literally have to give you cream and sugar for free, to help you not taste the coffee.

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You can even pay your barista extra to pump some caramel or hazelnut into that shit, so you taste the coffee even less.

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And then there are the people who drink their coffee black. These folks love to brag about drinking black coffee. Why? Because coffee tastes bad, so they feel like a badass drinking it straight.

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Hot coffee? Bad. Iced coffee? Bad and cold. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN FROM THIS.

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Coffee ice cream? Surprisingly good! Because it doesn't taste like coffee.

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But honestly, my REAL problem is not with coffee itself. It's with the people that drink it. My problem is with you.

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Because honestly, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU PEOPLE???

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You can barely function in the mornings until you've had coffee. That is nuts!!!

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This is what you look like in the mornings:

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And you KNOW IT'S TRUE. You brag about it on your stupid mugs.

You arrive late to things because you "had to get a coffee."

everyone: why were you late me: wow traffic was insane I am literally so sorry also me:

And COFFEE IS EXPENSIVE. Those few bucks you spend every morning really add up. THINK ABOUT YOUR RETIREMENT.

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You even made Lady Gaga degrade herself in the name of coffee. LADY FUCKING GAGA!!!

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Caffeine is a drug. And you are all addicts.

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But it doesn't have to be like this. You can stop. You just have to break the cycle.

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YOU JUST HAVE TO PUT DOWN THE MUG.

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It's not gonna be easy, but I believe in you.

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  1. Isn't coffee bad???

    Correct
    Incorrect
    Yes, coffee is bad.
    Correct
    Incorrect
    I wish I could say "no," but since you didn't make that an option in this poll, yes coffee is bad.
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Isn't coffee bad???
  1.  
    vote votes
    Yes, coffee is bad.
  2.  
    vote votes
    I wish I could say "no," but since you didn't make that an option in this poll, yes coffee is bad.

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