Hello! My name is Stephanie and I am a ~self-appointed~ wine expert, in that I like to drink wine and I use the wine emoji often.
I grabbed my friends Emily, Shannon and Benji and hit up five of the Adelaide Hills' best wineries. Here's how it went down.
1. Yay wine tour!
2. I should probably take an extra anti-acid in preparation for this day.
3. Oh God 9:30am is so early to be en route to drinking.
4. Oh well, soon I'll be drinking and that won't matter.
5. Yay let's get this show on the road!
6. Today is going to be so much fun.
7. I'm thirsty.
8. Are we there yet?
9. The Adelaide Hills are really pretty.
10. You know what's prettier is a big ol' glass of wine, though.
11. The driver just said we'd be drinking in 15 minutes YAAASS!
12. He also said we'd visit three wineries before lunch i.e. I am 100% going to vomit today.
13. I don't think I've ever had any wine from this winery before but I've heard good things, so this is exciting!
14. We're heeeeeeeeereeeeeeee!
15. This sparkling is divine.
16. The second sparkling is being described to me as having a taste of strawberries and cream, but like... I taste wine.
17. Sorry, ***sparkling wine. #nailingit
18. My palette is not developed enough.
19. I should learn more about the wines I drink.
20. There's a lot of science involved in the winemaking process.
21. I respect it, but I do not understand it.
22. Unsurprising, I failed science in high school.
23. Who would have known that science would be so useful in the ~real world~.
24. "Real World" is a great Matchbox 20 song. Imagine if it was about wine.
25. "I wonder what it's like to be a wine maker. Ba-dum-dum, dum-da-dum-dum. I wonder what's it's like to know that I made the wiiiiiineeeee."
26. This pinot gris is so good I would like to drink at least 40 bottles of it.
27. I'm on my fifth wine already this is my best life for sure.
28. There's a pinot gris / riesling blend that is also very very nice.
29. Missed an opportunity to call it a Grisling, though.
30. It's only 10:30am how have I already had so much wine this is so good.
31. My BFF Emily just said that this wine "smells like fruit toast" in front of the winemaker I'M DEAD LOLOLOL.
32. Oh, she's right though.
33. Just realised I'm wearing heels. Fuck.
34. I'm a dum dum.
35. Good luck, future me.
36. Wine #8 life is good.
37. There are kids outside at this winery NO WINE FOR YOU LOLOLOLOL.
38. We're "learning about wine" but truth be told I have a little buzz on and I'm just thinking about gettin' more wine.
39. Shannon thinks that pinot noir is ~very sexual~ because it was described as "soft and fleshy".
40. Pinot noir is very sexual.
41. Caviar, Myanmar, mid-size car.
42. Oh God, this is my day now.
43. Winery #1 was great A+ wines all round I need to find them when I'm home in Sydney.
44. OK. Winery #2. Here we go. I have a tiny buzz on already, yaaass.
45. Oooh how pretty!
46. Their sparkling wine tastes like a party. 10/10 would recommend.
47. Yum. Wine.
48. How long could I live on just wine? Not very long, probably.
49. Why would anyone spit wine out on a wine tour that's so dumb and it's a waste of wine. How offensive, tbh.
50. This Honeysuckle Riesling does taste like honeysuckle it's lovely tbh.
51. The Nero D'Avola smells like a peppermint Lip Smackers and I'm for it.
52. Sometimes red wines have a texture like you've licked your makeup?
53. Or like you've got a cat tongue.
54. Like that video of June the Kitty licking that ice cream.
55. It's warm in here.
56. I like it.
57. This fortified wine smells like teen spirit. And liquor.
59. Oh it's so strong.
60. I was not expecting that.
61. I feel like a nap.
62. Ooh they also sell honey and olive oil!
63. Both good yes yes yum.
64. This rosé tastes as pretty as it looks.
65. Wow I'm so good at describing wines.
66. Their function room is great I'd like to attend a wedding here.
67. Look at their art.
68. Wait. Is that a Kardashian?
69. I don't know how to put the seat up in this car so our guide has to do it for me and I feel like a princess.
70. His name is Tim he is very nice.
71. He also knows a lot about the Adelaide Hills wine region which is good.
72. We're on our way to eat cheese and chocolate now. THIS IS LIVING. THIS IS MY BEST LIFE.
73. My tongue is purple oop.
74. Good start to the day tbh.
75. YAAASS Woodside Cheese YAAASS.
76. I have literally never been happier.
77. Cheese is my everything and Woodside's cheeses are just so good.
78. I swear when I walked in just then the heavens opened up and I could hear angels singing.
79. GET OUT OF MY WAY, PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME.
80. I WANT TO TASTE ALL THE CHEESES.
88. I feel like skipping but I shouldn't I'm in a cheese shop.
89. OMG I want all these cheeses.
90. I can't choose.
91. How many should I buy?
92. Two. Just get two.
93. BUT WHICH ONES????????
94. Ooh, two for one on the Vigneron.
95. And then one more. Obvi.
96. Okay, the Edith went well with the honeycomb so I'll get them, also.
97. We've all bought so much cheese OMG.
98. OK let's go look at chocolate.
99. TBH I just spent $32 on cheese I probably don't need chocolate as well.
100. I have a sneaking suspicion that they're trying to sober me up.
101. NO THANK YOU THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T SPIT OUT THE WINE!
102. Benji wants us to come up with an "elaborate back story" for when people ask us where we're from.
103. Meanwhile, Shannon is talking about how he wants an adult version of those wheelie shoes kids have.
104. We might be drunk.
105. We're going to lunch now I DON'T WANT LUNCH I WANT WINE.
106. I AM THIRSTY.
107. Oop now I'm hungry.
108. Winery #3's restaurant has a big fireplace and it's warm and toasty and smells amazing.
109. I finished that glass of wine and now my head is warm.
110. The food here is really good.
111. And there's cheese!
112. Yum salmon.
113. OMG. The table behind us just left and they basically left a full cheese plate.
114. WUT. WHO DOES THAT????
115. I'm so personally offended by this.
116. Should... should I take it?
117. Ooh should I use Periscope for the very first time while also trying to steal cheese?
118. They left near-full glasses of wine, too!
119. I should take it.
120. I'm going to take it.
121. OH GOD OH GOD THE OWNER CAME OVER.
122. I AM SO BUSTED.
123. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.
124. This was a bad idea.
125. OH NO WAIT!
126. SHE GAVE ME CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!
127. In hindsight, this was not a good idea.
128. If I hadn't been Periscoping in a restaurant where there are only two other patrons, I probably could have got the whole plate.
129. Still. Free cheese. I'm so pleased.
130. I'm also fuck-eyed.
131. This is it. This is my best life.
132. Good wines here, too.
133. This pinot noir smells like chocolate yum.
134. Oh look, a dog.
135. Byeeeeeeeeeee winery #3.
136. OMG the drive to winery #4 was so fast I'm not ready.
137. There's some art.
138. This sparkling wine tastes like confetti. Like fun.
139. Oh God I'm a wreck.
140. I am no longer keeping my shit together.
141. One of these wines is described as having "toast flavours".
142. I have Des'ree's "Life" in my head.
143. "Rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news! Life! Oh, life, ohhhh life, oh life... doo doo doodoo."
144. This pinot gris smells so good that if I spilled it on myself I wouldn't be sad because it would make a great perfume.
145. On the other hand, I would be sad because spilling wine is a damn tragedy.
146. Standing is hard.
147. Where the seats at though?
148. Emily keeps asking winemakers if they have "deer problems", as in, deer coming to fuck their vines up and I'm dying it's so funny. "DO YOU HAVE DEER PROBLEMS?!"
149. RELEASE THE DEER!!!!!!
150. ...UNLESS THAT WILL COMPROMISE ALL THIS DELICIOUS WINE.
151. Sisqo should still be really popular.
153. Oh I'm cold.
154. Where's my jacket?
155. Mmm toasty.
156. Our next destination serves cheese with its wine tasting YAAAASSSSS.
157. This has been a good day for both wine and cheese consumption.
158. I need to pee.
159. First things first I'm the drunkest.
160. They have art here, too!
161. Winery #5 has seats for their tastings YAAAASSSS.
162. This is living.
163. My eye is twitching.
173. Home time.
174. What a day.
175. Where am I?
176. My face is itchy.
177. I'm tired.
178. No, I want a gin. Let's go to the pub.
179. Tomorrow is going to be fucked.