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If Newspapers Reported On My Life: 32 Important News Stories

#Breaking: Woman cancels all plans; wonders why she has no friends

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1. Woman seen with male friend by aunty; runs into traffic

2. Woman forgets to wear kajal, fakes her own death to avoid questions

3. Woman plans to have good day; day has other plans

4. After 5 years of jiggling it in the mirror, woman makes peace with belly fat

5. Woman cancels all plans; wonders why she has no friends

6. Woman gets comfortable in bed; immediately needs to susu

8. Woman says "just one episode" on Friday night; emerges 4 seasons later Monday morning

9. Woman swears off socialising after friends trick her into splitting the bill equally

10. Woman keeps 12 shirts that don't fit her for 5 years because "patli ho jaungi toh pehnungi"

11. Woman contemplates thumb amputation after accidentally liking colleague’s 75-week-old Instagram

12. Woman gives up lifelong dream of becoming a well-rounded adult while wolfing down three packets of Lays in 8 minutes

13. Friend finishes most of woman’s fries under the pretext of taking “just one bite”

15. Woman feels truly alive for the first time in years as she online shops without setting “Price low to high”

16. Woman has trouble recalling which century she's in after waking up from a 9 hour "nap"

17. Oscar-eligible woman tricks her gullible loved ones into believing that she's "OMW"

18. Brain believes one fruit a week is healthy lifestyle; body disagrees

19. Future looks bleak for woman whose response to mother's "beta, kahan ho?" text was "new phone who dis"

20. Woman with failing love life confidently gives relationship advice to friends

21. Ola driver who claims to have followed directions found walking aimlessly in another part of town

22. Woman vows to treat her body like a temple after yet another night of violent drinking; fails

23. Metro co-passenger gets a somewhat detailed idea of woman’s life by peeking into her phone the entire time

25. Sticky sanitary napkin wings get the better of woman who hoped to not tug at her crotch in public

26. Woman has 36-minute crisis about whether or not to Snapchat with oily hair

27. Woman spends an hour of company time deciding what to eat for lunch every day; gets fired

28. Vodafone employee still hopeful to sell 4G connection to the woman who’s rejected him 589 times in the past month

29. Woman creates scene while yelling at the sidewalk she just tripped over

30. Woman tosses and turns till 4am remembering handshake-hug debacle from previous evening

31. Woman tries distracting mom from a discussion on “settling down” with her career; mom provides zero fucks

32. Woman converts deepest anxieties into self-deprecating online persona; wins life




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