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I Made A German Dude Watch "K3G" For The First Time And He Had 41 Burning Questions

"There are pyramids in India? Are all people in Bollywood movies rich AF? And is Anjali clinically insane?"

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Hello, everyone. You know me, I'm your old pal Srishti and also the resident Bollywood writer at BuzzFeed India. A few days ago, I made friends with Maximilian Zender, who is a writer for BuzzFeed Deutschland. Here are photos of our faces:

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Being a woman of refined taste, I recommended Maximilian to watch the most grand, irreplaceable and inimitable cinematic marvel to have been birthed by the Indian film industry, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham. He delved into it immediately.

This was the first Bollywood movie he'd watched in his entire life. Maximilian was thrilled. He had many interesting thoughts and feelings.

Srishti Dixit / Via Slack

But most of all he had some pertinent questions about K3G, its characters, and our nation as a whole. So...

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1. Do all Bollywood movies last almost as long as Titanic?

Answer: Some last longer.
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Answer: Some last longer.

2. You call this a "house”?

Answer: No, we call this a "castle". I think the Raichands rent only a quarter of that place (I'm not sure though, so reaching out to the production house for comment).
Imaan Sheikh / Dharma Productions

Answer: No, we call this a "castle". I think the Raichands rent only a quarter of that place (I'm not sure though, so reaching out to the production house for comment).

3. What does this sign mean?

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Answer: In some parts of India this means, “I’m heading out for happy hour, join me in 10".

4. Or this?

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Answer: This one, pan-India, means, "Eyeliner on fleek, gurl!"

5. What about this gesture?

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Answer: This one's my personal favourite. The message being transmitted here is, "My mom has called 57 times so I need to leave urgently but can we have a quickie first?"

6. So why is there no real kissing?

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Answer: We have something called the Central Board for Film Certification a.k.a. The Censor Board. They have the worst case of germ-fearing OCD so to them, kissing = Eww.

7. The only kissing I saw (during the entire movie) was this. Is the neck where all the first base action happens in Bollywood?

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Answer: When actors don't get to kiss onscreen, the filmmakers have to resort to the "cleavage-sniffing" workaround.

8. Why are Anjali and her friend cracking nuts without eating them?

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Answer: Indian women store food in hollow trees and underground to prepare for harsh winters.

9. How often do you dance like this in the middle of a busy market square?

Answer: As often as 344 days a year. The rest are public holidays.
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Answer: As often as 344 days a year. The rest are public holidays.

10. Are all people in Bollywood movies rich as fuck?

Answer: They were only till November 8, 2016. Then, demonetisation happened.
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Answer: They were only till November 8, 2016. Then, demonetisation happened.

11. How often do these mishaps occur?

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Answer: Chain snatching IS a real problem in this country.

12. What's with all the wind indoors?

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Answer: I don't know who kept farting on the set.

13. Can we talk about Anjali? Is she... clinically insane?

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Answer: She's chill after you've hung out with her a couple of times.

14. Do all the actors really sing their own songs?

Answer: They don't. Thank god, they don't.
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Answer: They don't. Thank god, they don't.

15. Why is Shah Rukh Khan ALWAYS lurking in the background?

Answer: He likes to watch them leave.
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Answer: He likes to watch them leave.

16. What's with the awkward ankle touching?

Answer: We touch the feet of our elders to greet them (it's a way of showing respect) and sometimes we don't reach all the way to the feet so we settle for ankles. It's snappier, low effort and gets the point across instantly.
Dharma Productions

Answer: We touch the feet of our elders to greet them (it's a way of showing respect) and sometimes we don't reach all the way to the feet so we settle for ankles. It's snappier, low effort and gets the point across instantly.

17. Why is Shah Rukh Khan always on the run?

Answer: They never mention what he does for a living, so my guess is that he's a contract killer which requires him to be on the run.
Dharma Productions

Answer: They never mention what he does for a living, so my guess is that he's a contract killer which requires him to be on the run.

18. WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. INSIDE. THIS. BAG?

Answer: Ammo?
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Answer: Ammo?

19. Have you noticed that Shah Rukh Khan has been wearing the exact same shoes for about 10 years?

Answer: I HAD NOT, IN FACT, NOTICED THIS OMG. Money must be tight in the contract killing business.
Dharma Productions

Answer: I HAD NOT, IN FACT, NOTICED THIS OMG. Money must be tight in the contract killing business.

20. Is daddy wearing a wig?

Answer: Amitabh Bachchan's (the actor who plays Daddy Raichand) rep has declined to answer that question.
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Answer: Amitabh Bachchan's (the actor who plays Daddy Raichand) rep has declined to answer that question.

21. Why is Shah Rukh Khan clapping like this DURING A NORMAL CONVERSATION?

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Answer: If you look carefully, you can see how he realises that this is stupid and he stops immediately.

22. Is this a turn on for you then?

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Answer: ....Yes.

23. What's on this tray?

Answer: All the fucks young Rohan has to give about childhood obesity.
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Answer: All the fucks young Rohan has to give about childhood obesity.

24. And umm... are all Indian men mama's boys?

Answer: Poo thinks so. And who am I to argue?
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Answer: Poo thinks so. And who am I to argue?

25. Does daddy have a thing for his potential daughter-in-law?

Answer: He's just side-eyeing her outfit.
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Answer: He's just side-eyeing her outfit.

26. What kind of hair product does Rahul use? Gel, wax, pomade?

Answer: Personally, I've seen most Indian men use their own spit.
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Answer: Personally, I've seen most Indian men use their own spit.

27. Do Indian fathers like their daughters as much as they like their sons?

Answer: Well, I don't know about that, but I wish they'd educate their sons as much as they preach to their daughters.
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Answer: Well, I don't know about that, but I wish they'd educate their sons as much as they preach to their daughters.

28. Do a lot of women bleach their teeth in India? I mean those are perfect teeth.

Answer: We just brush 'em twice a day. Why, what do y'all do?
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Answer: We just brush 'em twice a day. Why, what do y'all do?

29. Do normal businessmen in India really wear rings like that on both their hands?

Answer: The cool ones do.
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Answer: The cool ones do.

30. Why are they doing this move all the time?

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Answer: This is how Indian people flirt. We literally nudge our crushes into liking us back.

31. I have to know this: What is he eating there?

Answer: He's eating his namesake, laddu. Laddu is an Indian sweet made of sugar, milk, gram flour and Kourtney Kardashian's favourite ingredient ghee.
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Answer: He's eating his namesake, laddu. Laddu is an Indian sweet made of sugar, milk, gram flour and Kourtney Kardashian's favourite ingredient ghee.

32. Please tell me, you too prefer the younger Rohan?

Answer: I do. The younger Rohan was more relatable to adult me.
Imaan Sheikh / Dharma Productions

Answer: I do. The younger Rohan was more relatable to adult me.

33. Pyramids in India? Where?

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Answer: In Bollywood movies, all romantic dream sequences happen on international waters.

34. Oh and can you explain these oversized nose-rings women wear on their wedding days?

Answer: These double-up as cock rings later in the night.
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Answer: These double-up as cock rings later in the night.

35. Why is Shah Rukh Khan not getting wet here? Is it because he's a demigod or something?

Answer: We're petitioning the government to change his status from human to superhuman.
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Answer: We're petitioning the government to change his status from human to superhuman.

36. Do you always apologise like that?

Answer: Unless we do, it doesn't seem like we're really sorry.
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Answer: Unless we do, it doesn't seem like we're really sorry.

37. Are people in India good at keeping secrets?

Answer: Trust me, we're better than these two.
Imaan Sheikh / Dharma Productions

Answer: Trust me, we're better than these two.

38. Do you have names for your dance moves? If so, what do you call this one?

Answer: This one is called, "You know you want the D."
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Answer: This one is called, "You know you want the D."

39. So they just moved to London to complain about England and talk about how great India actually is?

Answer: NRIs, amirite? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Answer: NRIs, amirite? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

40. Why do all the women in the U.K. sing, dance and dress like people from India?

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Answer: This is not how people dress in India.

41. Also are we just going to act like calling someone "Poo" is completely normal and not weird at all?

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Answer: When Winnie did it, nobody batted an eye.