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Completely Fake Spoilers For This Sunday’s Game Of Thrones Episode

In case you haven’t heard, the sixth episode of Game of Thrones’ seventh season leaked onto the internet this week and there are a lot of people posting spoilers. Here are some completely fake spoilers that will hopefully help bury the real ones into the abyss.

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1. There’s a love scene between the Night King and Jon Snow

It’s super graphic. Not since Renly Baratheon’s death has there been a love scene between two male characters that was so arousing.

2. Petyr Baelish’s hands shrink to the size of Donald Trumps (and they’re orange too)

This one doesn’t even get explained. One moment he has perfectly normal snake hands and all of a sudden *BOOM* he’s got this little orange mittens and NOBODY notices.

3. Euron straight up murders Cersei’s puss right in front of Jaime AND THEY USE HIS GOLD HAND

Euron’s been gone for a few episodes, but he’s proven to Cersei that he’s a worthy ally and she accepts his marriage proposal. She’s not done there, however. To show Jamie how pissed she is about him meeting with Tyrion, she orders her maid to bring him to her chamber while Euron is balls deep inside of her. Jamie, having misplaced his hand the night before and hoping that it was like under her bed or something, walks right inside to find her fingering Euron’s asshole with the VERY SAME HAND.

4. Daenerys gives her dragons to a shelter

This one came as a big shock, but it’s understandable. Dragons are hard to tame and even though she’s the “Mother of Dragons,” she could only do so much.

5. Bran starts a punk band

Brandon Stark is not the same anymore. He’s brooding, he knows everything, and he’s a little annoying because he could solve a lot of issues just by TELLING HIS SISTERS TO MURDER LITTLEFINGER. However, he decides to channel all of his newfound angst into his music. He does a crazy good cover of “The Kill” by Thirty Seconds to Mars in the closing credits. Like, I would go to a concert of Bran playing Panic! At the Disco hits.

6. Arya rips her face off and reveals that she’s actually Beyonce

Obviously. Beyonce’s a badass. Arya’s a badass. They’re clearly the same person.

7. Olenna Tyrell comes back from the dead

She is not one to be trifled with. We never actually saw her die. This could be real. I have no idea. I haven’t watched Sunday’s episode yet. If this is a real spoiler, I sincerely apologize. HOWEVER, I WANT THIS TO HAPPEN SO BAD!!!!!!!!!

8. Gendry and The Hound fuse into one cosmic being

Game of Thrones loves to play with our ideas of reality and this time is no different. Jon Snow was dead for what was clearly more than 15 minutes and didn’t have brain damage and Bran can literally see everything that has ever happened and is currently happening. You can’t tell me that Gendry and The Hound morphing into the same person is an impossibility. THIS IS WHY THE HOUND WAS HOLDING A HAMMER IN THE TRAILER FOR THE EPISODE!!!

9. Sam tells Gilly that he loves and has a lot of respect for her because he’s a FUCKING MAN

It’s sort of a weird jump cut scene. One minute, we’re in the middle of a battle, the next Sam has a subtle but nice line where he tells Gilly about how much he respects her, and then it cuts back to the battle. It’s bizarre, but not unappreciated.

10. That wildling that was also in Pitch Perfect 2 comes back as a White Walker and the army of the dead does the entire Thriller video dance in front of Jon and company

Completely unexpected? Yes. Enjoyable? Not in the least. It was the worst flash mob I’ve ever seen and you should probably fast forward through this part. Who knew dead people couldn’t dance for shit?

11. Bronn gets a week off

: I think he deserved it.

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