We asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about their awkward experiences with giant penises. Here are the cringeworthy results.
1. This grandma's guidance:
"My ex and I were having sex, missionary. I went to shift the angle of my hips at the exact moment he broke rhythm and give me a surprise, extra hard and fast thrust. This completely destroyed my perineum. I lived with my grandma at the time, and I couldn't get the tear to stop bleeding. We were freaking out, so I went into the living room, holding the bloody towel over my crotch, and asked grandma what to do. She was more concerned that I had stained one of the good hands towels."
2. This vomit brigade:
"My friend was hooking up with a guy who was so big that while she was blowing him, she literally threw up every drink she had had that night on him. It also triggered a chain reaction, and they both spent the rest of the night in the bathroom."
—Sherri Thomas, Facebook
3. This cornfield massacre:
"Years ago I met up with a guy in an empty cornfield. His dick was almost 9 inches and thick. Neither of us had condoms or lube, so we foolishly just used spit. A few minutes later, he finished and pulled out. That's when I noticed the bloody, shitty jizz that was dripping off his dick and down my legs. We didn't bring anything to clean up with, so we used my underwear. He thanked me and took off. I went to Walmart a few blocks away, bought new shorts and underwear, and changed in the restroom. When I got home, my mom complimented me on my new shorts."
4. This ridiculous reveal:
"I hooked up with a guy who had the most enormous penis I'd ever seen. Rather than chickening out, I grabbed the lube and attempted to make it fit. I have dyspareunia, a condition that makes sex very painful, and his dick ended up ripping the lower part of my vagina, à la giving-birth-style. I had to have an episiotomy, which meant stitches from my vagina to my ass."
5. This jaw-dropping tale:
"I dislocated my jaw trying to give a blow job once."
6. This girth monster:
“I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I’d ever seen. He took his dick out of my ass because it was hurting me too much, and he said, ‘Damn, you made a mess.’ I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor. His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity.”
7. This chomping disaster:
"I was dating a guy with a very long, very girthy penis. I was too scared to have penetrative sex with him, so we always stuck to oral. One night, I was going down on him and decided I wanted to try to deep-throat. His penis jerked and I got scared and bit him really hard. His dick started bleeding and he got really freaked out and made me bring him to the hospital. Everything turned out fine. The doctor just bandaged it and gave him some antibiotics, but we stopped dating soon after."
8. This tampon mystery:
"I was really horny so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex. The next morning I realized I never took out my tampon. His penis was so big that it pushed the tampon up too far, and I couldn't get it out. After 30 minutes I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favor. I went to his work, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
9. This handy test:
"I was with my crush, and we thought we were home alone. His dick was giant, but I was being a trouper. Just as we were finishing the deed, his dad arrived and started a conversation with my parents in the next room. They called for us to come out, so we scrambled to look presentable and not guilty, only to realize that there was a bloody handprint on his shirt and my face."
10. This Pringles can:
"I went on a few dates with a guy in college. We knew that neither of us liked to bottom, so I proposed a bet of whoever had the bigger penis got to top. I was obviously pretty cocky and sure that I would win. I was speechless when he pulled out a throbbing Pringles can. Never one to back out of a bet, I powered through, and it was incredibly unpleasant. I was late to class the next day because it took me an extra long time to walk up the stairs."
11. This braces mishap:
"The first guy I ever gave a blow job to was huge, both in length and in girth. I had braces at the time and was hesitant, but he assured me it would be OK. We took it slowly, but he ended up with two bloody lines down his penis where some inside wires were protruding. To this day, I still wonder if he has the scars."
12. This tasty delight:
"I occasionally get lockjaw. One time I was giving my boyfriend a blow job – he's quite big and girthy – and my jaw started to hurt. I thought, fuck it, and kept going, which was a big mistake. It got to the point where I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get his dick out, so I had to pry my mouth open with my fingers. Whoops."
13. This early period:
"I was a senior in high school, and the popular, hot guy on my bus asked me to his house. As soon as his pants came off, my eyes widened. I asked him how big he was... 12 inches. I was all in, though! I gave him a few hours of mind-blowing sex. After it was over, I experienced my first walk of shame through my ENTIRE neighborhood and could literally barely walk. I had to pretend I started my period early because of it, and I bled for almost three days. Totally worth it, though."
14. This sore vagina:
"I was hooking up with my crush in my car. It was dark outside, so I couldn’t see how HUGE his dong was. He started putting it in, and I swear it felt like he was trying to shove a fist in there. A few minutes later I looked down and saw something on his white shirt. He turned the overhead light on and saw his shirt was covered in blood. There was also a huge, bloody handprint on the back of the driver's seat. He gasped and ran out of the car and I drove to the nearest gas station and scrubbed the seats like crazy. My vagina was sore for days."
15. And this bloody blow job:
"I invited a guy over for a blow job. He whipped it out, and that man was packing what I was craving: thicker than the circumference of my wrist and at least eight inches! I was doing the deed, and he began face-fucking me. He pulled his cock out of my mouth, and it was covered in my blood. He literally destroyed my throat! But I ain't no bitch."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.