We asked the BuzzFeed Community for the smartest, most clever jokes they've ever heard. Here are the genius results.
1. This chemistry quip:
2. This line from Frasier:
3. This ancient joke:
4. This dumb blonde zinger:
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 car as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
5. This savage burn:
6. This Demetri Martin line:
7. This physics joke:
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!" The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..." Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!" Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"
8. This Mitch Hedberg observation:
9. This Roman numeral gag:
10. This English crack:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
11. This clever jest:
12. This Groucho Marx gag:
13. This nostalgic dig:
There once was a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother, afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions, they named the dog "This," so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
14. This nerdy quip:
15. This brilliant deduction:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes asked, "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied, "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
16. This play on words:
17. And this lawyer's trick:
A hotshot lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane for a long flight. To pass the time, he turns to the blonde and asks to play a game of riddles. She's not interested. He says, "What if we bring money into it? For every riddle you ask that I don't know the answer to, I’ll pay you $20, and vice versa." She's still not interested, so he says, "Okay, what if I have to pay you $200, but you still only pay me $20?" She thinks about it and agrees.
He asks her a riddle, and she immediately pulls out $20 and hands it to him without even trying. She tries to go to sleep, but then he says, "Wait, it's your turn now!" So she turns to him and says, "What goes up a hill on three legs, stands on it with one leg, and comes down with four?" The lawyer is extremely stumped. He asks his neighbors, pays for the plane’s Wi-Fi to do some Googling, and emails a friend, yet he comes up with nothing. He reluctantly gives up and hands her $200. She takes it and tries to go to sleep again. The lawyer asks, "Wait a minute, what's the answer?" The blonde hands the lawyer $20.