We asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us their absolute funniest, worst, and best poop horror stories. Here are the hilarious results.
1. This drunken disaster:
One time I was very drunk and had to use the bathroom. My friend was using the only toilet in the house, so for some reason I decided to poop in the bathtub. I finished my business, but as I tried to get up I fell backward into the tub and into my own poop. In my drunken state, I turned on the shower to try to clean myself and the bathtub, but the shower drain got clogged, creating a giant poop bath that circled around me. Cleaning that up was not fun.
2. This fast-food fiasco:
For some reason I thought it'd be a good idea to have coffee, Taco Bell, and White Castle during the three-hour drive to my parents'. I was five miles from their house when my stomach took a turn for the worse. I let out a relief toot and felt something unusual. I couldn’t wait anymore. I sped into a Target parking lot and ran into the store. I was full-on CROWNING. I rushed into a bathroom stall and exploded before my cheeks could even hit the seat. I looked down and saw full poop in my underwear. When I was done I bought new underwear and cried as I drove to my parents' house. They asked how the drive was. I said "fine." That's when I farted one last time and accidentally shit on their floor.
3. This double whammy:
Last month I was outside with my dog while he went to the bathroom. It suddenly hit me that I also needed to go number two, like, now! I clenched my butt as hard as I could. We ran inside and made it just a few feet from the bathroom before I shit myself. I was only wearing boxers, so my shit ran all the way down my legs and onto the floor. While shamefully cleaning up the mess, the smell triggered my gag reflexes and made me puke. There I was, sitting on the floor, naked, covered in my own shit and puke, as my mom pulled up and honked from the driveway to take me to the farmer's market.
4. This maid of horror:
I was the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. I spent the week before taking care of my flu-infested boyfriend, but I showed no symptoms. We all lined up to take pictures with the bride, and I suddenly started to feel ill. I sneezed once, and I immediately started to feel something drip down my leg. I looked down, and my leg was covered in poop. I had to run away and wipe it off, and the whole night I couldn't get over the fact that I pooped myself in my bridesmaid's dress. The professional pictures bring back memories that I will never forget, for more reasons than one.
5. This crappy test:
It was the morning of my AP Chemistry exam. I was at McDonald's, and I thought I had to fart, but I ended up crapping my pants. I waddled by several clothing stores around me in hopes of buying fresh underwear, but none of them were open yet. I knew I couldn't be late for my test, so I couldn't go home to change. I had to sit in my own poop throughout the entire AP exam, which I ended up failing.
6. This unforgettable honeymoon:
My husband and I were on our honeymoon. I was on medication that made stuff happen, uh, a lot faster than you’d hope. We were two blocks from our rental flat when I told my husband that I had to go NOW. We walked home on icy sidewalks as quickly as my butt allowed. As soon as we unlocked the front door, I felt it. I did everything I could to clench, but it all came forth like an explosion of hot lava. I crouched down, crying, saying “IT'S HAPPENING," like I was in Bridesmaids. We got upstairs and I finished in the bathroom as my AMAZING husband cleaned my pants out with his hands. It definitely wasn't how we expected our honeymoon to go, but you can’t deny that THAT'S love.
7. This chocolate surprise:
When I was little, I found a package of chocolate laxatives in our fridge. I thought it was candy, so of course I ate the whole box. There was an immediate gurgle in my stomach, and the next thing I knew I was filling my pants with poop. I didn't even have time to make it to the toilet. I ended up running through the entire house to the bathroom, crying, with poop spraying out of my butt. It went everywhere. Never again.
—Jacki Demchak, Facebook
8. This snowy dusting:
Last winter I worked at a ski resort. After I got onto the chairlift and headed up the mountain to go to work, I somehow managed to shit my pants. I had to ride all the way back down the mountain while shit seeped down my legs and into my snowboard boots. I spent the next hour cleaning myself up in the bathroom and creating an elaborate excuse as to why I smelled like shit and was so late for work.
9. This student's nightmare:
I was in the middle of an exam at school when my stomach howled out. I bolted for the bathroom and made it to the toilet just in time to let the majority flow out, except for one hard bit at the end. No matter how hard I pushed, this little poop nugget just wouldn't come out. I wiped anyway, and I accidentally smeared poop EVERYWHERE – all over my hand, the waistband of my pants, the hem of my shirt. It took half a roll of toilet paper to clean off my ass and clothes the best I could, and then I had to wash my hands. That's when my teacher walked in to check on me, just in time to see me scrape poop out from under my nails with a pencil in the sink.
10. This sleepless setback:
I was Black Friday shopping with my mom in a mall, running on two hours of sleep and a cup of coffee. We were walking through the mall when I suddenly felt an awful pain in my intestines. I stopped in the middle of the hall and felt the horror start to seep out of my asshole. I turned completely white, to the point where my mom got worried, and all I could say was that I needed a bathroom NOW. We ran to a nearby Best Buy, leaving a trail of poop along the way, and I had to clean myself up while my mom bought me a new pair of underwear.
11. This shitty date:
I went to a fancy restaurant with a guy I had been seeing for a few months. In the middle of dinner I had what I thought was a small bit of gas. I tried to slyly release it, but it turned out to be liquid diarrhea. I sat there and tried not to panic, but I felt it spreading. I had my white jacket on the back of my chair, so I snuck it down to my waist. I excused myself to the restroom where I had explosive diarrhea. Once it dissipated, I took off the dress to inspect the damage. There was a softball-sized brown mark on the back. I dipped the spot in the toilet and let it soak, and luckily it came out. My now-naked body ran from the stall to the sink for a handful of soap. I washed the spot until the stain went away, then dried it the best I could. I somehow made it back to the table in time for no questions. I ended up dating the guy for a couple years, but I never found out if he knew. To this day, over 15 years later, I still have the dress.
12. This slushy mess:
I had just gotten home from eating spicy chicken fingers at a restaurant. I was talking to my mom in the kitchen when I felt a gurgle in my stomach. I let out what I thought would be a fart, but I actually sharted in my pants. I waddled up the stairs to take off my shit-filled underwear and clean myself up. When I got out of the shower I heard my mom scream. My dog got into the bag with my shit-filled underwear and had dragged them all around the house, spilling poop all over the place. There were brown stains everywhere.
13. This vacation mishap:
My family and I were on a vacation in Egypt. I felt sick all day, so as soon as we got to the tombs I ran into the bathroom, bypassing the lady who was handing out toilet paper. I rushed into a stall, and my ass EXPLODED on the toilet. I kept yelling for my sister to get me toilet paper, but apparently you have to pay for each square in public restrooms there. She ended up spending $4 on toilet paper. Two hours later, after we finished our tour and walked by the lobby, I saw a "closed for maintenance" sign on the toilet I used. My ass literally broke an Egyptian national monument.
14. This airport calamity:
I've always hated using public bathrooms, but I was stuck at the airport and really needed to poop. I did my business and was feeling better, but I looked down and saw a bloody floater! My poop wouldn't go down, and it was a busy bathroom so I didn’t want to leave the stall. I covered my poop up with toilet paper and left. Problem solved, right? Wrong. I don’t know why, but this poop freaked me out, so I later went back into the stall and tried to fish out my floating poop and stuff it in the trash. That didn’t work, so I just kept flushing. Luckily it went down, but my hands smelled disgusting. Naturally the only solution I could think of was to roll on my deodorant all over my hands.
15. This heroic mother:
When my brother was younger, he went to his friend's house with my mom. He entered the bathroom and called out to my mom a few minutes later. Apparently his poop was so long and thick that it wouldn’t flush, so my mom had to go in there and slice up his poop with an aluminum foil paper until it all flushed down.
16. This H2noooooo:
It was my freshman year of college, and I had the most beautiful lab partner in my Chemistry class. One day during lab, my stomach was rumbling. I thought it was just gas, so I ignored it as my lab TA gave the instructions. Finally the lab started, and so did my stomach. I had the urge to go NOW. I told my gorgeous lab partner I would be right back, and I ran to the closest bathroom, which was downstairs in the basement. I squeezed my cheeks, holding my butt together as tightly as I could. I swung the stall door open, and right before I sat down I shit my gray yoga pants. I was mortified. I cleaned myself up and somehow got the courage to go upstairs, where I told my lab partner I threw up and had to go home. I had to walk across campus in my shit-covered pants. That class will forever haunt my dreams.
17. And this liquid volcano:
I wasn’t feeling great, so I decided to visit my paramedic boyfriend at work. As I pulled into the station, I felt everything in my intestines turn to liquid. I frantically called him to let me in, but he was too slow. I got out of my car and went into the wooden box where they kept the dumpsters. I pulled down my pants, and a liquid volcano of evil blasted out of me. I sheepishly walked back to my car to find some napkins to clean up with. My boyfriend finally came out, so I lied and said I threw up by the dumpster. He went to look and could tell I did much more than just puke, so he gave me a kiss and told me to go home to lay down. Ladies, marry a man who will still kiss you even after you shit your brains out next to a dumpster at his work!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and clarity.