17 People Who Really Fucking Blew It
"I was 16 and drank most of a $10,000 bottle of scotch that was my friend’s dad’s retirement gift."
1. The fake robbery
In 2008 I was playing Wii and accidentally let go of the controller, which flew into the brand new TV and cracked the screen. I put the broken TV on Craigslist to get rid of the evidence, and when my family came home and saw it was gone they reported it to the police and said we were robbed.
2. The devastating vacation
I was working for a travel agency, and a customer asked what documentation he and his family needed for their trip to the Bahamas. Not knowing they were staying overnight, I said they'd only need birth certificates. Three weeks later I found out the entire family was stuck in the Bahamas for weeks. They had no money, and his wife was actually from Costa Rica, so she was deported. It took the rest of the family another two weeks to return. I felt so horrible.
3. The smoking bandit
I was sneaking a smoke at my first office job and disposed of my butt in a trash can. A half hour later I saw fire trucks. The trash can had six-foot flames coming out of it. When someone asked what happened, I said I saw a construction worker smoking, instead of owning up to it. The fire ending up burning the freshly painted railing, and they had to re-do the concrete steps and path.
4. The explosive toilet
I blew up my parents' toilet with dynamite. Enough said.
–Hayely Queen, Facebook
5. The nicest coworker ever
My coworker was out on disability, so my boss asked me to water the plants in her office. Six months later my boss mentioned how great the plants looked, and I said, "Yeah, the aloe plant on her desk looks especially good, I was afraid I was going to kill it." My boss looked at my, puzzled, and said, "Anthony, you know thats a fake plant, right?" I watered a plastic plant, twice a week, for six months.
–Anthony Thomas Esposito, Facebook
6. The drunken decision
My nephew was due to be born any day and I decided that it would be fine to go out on a Friday night and get drunk, because what were the chances of him being born exactly then? Apparently the chances were very high, because I got a call at 5 a.m. saying my sister-in-law was in labor. Ended up taking family pictures with the new baby with the biggest hangover of my life.
7. The clumsy waitress
I was 16 and just started as a waitress. I was eager to show my boss my dedication, so I demanded to take the table of eight burly, hungry men who just walked in. The beginning went swimmingly. Then the entrees were ready. I deftly balanced all eight entrees. I walked to the table with the grace of a ballerina. I did a creepy wink at my boss, like, "That's right. You see me? I've got this." Then I tripped and dumped every single entree on the floor.
–Melanie Schneiderman, Facebook
8. The ticket master
I volunteered to take tickets at a major Christian band's concert. During the opening band, some hipster dudes came in. I approached one and asked to see his ticket. He gave me a funny look and said, "We're playing after them." It was the bass player.
9. The honest bridesmaid
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding, and I had just met the groomsman. He was lovely, and we hit it off. He took me to see this old man and introduced me. I said, "So, who's this? Your grandfather? Great uncle? Great grandfather?"
He said. "My dad." I was mortified.
10. The drunken disaster
I was drunk and got kicked out of a T.G.I. Friday's. My friends were pissed and brought me outside. I ended up peeing my pants before they could get me in the car.
11. The texting mistake
I had two friends in my phone, both named Jake. One was my best friend, and the other was a guy I was trying to get with. I'd been flirting with Jake #2 all day, and out of nowhere he texted me "I have cancer," but within the context of our conversation I thought he was making a tasteless joke. I replied, "Yeah, sure," with a winking face. I immediately got a call from Jake #1's girlfriend, saying, "Jake is so upset you'd say that." I then realized I had misread the text and blew off my best friend after he was diagnosed with cancer. It took hours of calls and a million apologies to get things straightened out. He's now cancer free, and has never let me live it down.
12. The prom debacle
I was a freshman in high school when my aunt, a teacher at a different school, tried to set me up with one of her favorite students. It was his senior prom, and his girlfriend had just dumped him. I was a shy freshman and already had a boyfriend, so I said no. Fast forward nine years: the guy turned out to be an extremely successful TV star. And the boy I was dating? He's gay.
13. The insulting student
When I was in middle school I made a friend with someone who was a grade below mine, so I felt I had to warn her about the terrible math teacher. I used a lot insults while talking about her, and when I finished the girl said, "Yeah, I know. She's my mom."
14. The bloody date
I got my period on one of my first dates with my boyfriend. For some reason we decided to sleep in his car that night, and when I woke up I was soaked with blood. We were parked pretty close to a Walmart, so instead of driving 30 minutes to go home and clean up, I waddled into the store. People were staring, mortified, and then, of course, I walked into my ex. I tried ignoring him and rushed straight into the restroom where a kind, old lady saw my pants and silently handed me a pad and walked away.
15. The Harry Potter lover
One time I got so drunk with my crush that I started speaking in Parseltongue and talked about my 'Dark Lord.' He never talked to me again because he thought I was a Satan Worshipper.
16. The terrible cover-up
I paid off a man after I hit his car. To cover up, I told my mom I lost my wallet. Then I accidentally got the guy arrested for theft when he cashed my check.
17. The $10,000 fuck-up
I was 16 and drank most of a $10,000 bottle of scotch that was my friend's dad's retirement gift. She never spoke to me again.